What Borderline Personality Disorder feels like ...

WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.120 --> 00:00:11.910 It's only now it's online Bible this stylecom yes, Jo emotions with Bible style. 2 00:00:13.750 --> 00:00:18.230 All right, welcome back. It's good to have you here. Man, 3 00:00:18.350 --> 00:00:23.420 it's been a busy week and keep them busy recording some podcasts. So 4 00:00:23.820 --> 00:00:29.420 I was on somebody else's PODCASTS, a friend of mine name Becky, who 5 00:00:29.500 --> 00:00:36.409 I know from bipolar PARTYCOM. She's got a podcast called that B word, 6 00:00:36.450 --> 00:00:43.850 which is not just about bipolar, it's also about borderline personality disorder. So 7 00:00:44.049 --> 00:00:49.090 if you don't know about personality disorders in general, U should check this out 8 00:00:49.850 --> 00:00:54.560 or go maybe wikipedia personality disorders and see what they're all about. But they 9 00:00:54.600 --> 00:01:00.000 include borderline narcissism and several others. Yeah, it's pretty trippy. I've been 10 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:07.709 diagnosed with one for many years and it's possibly more troubling than even my bipolar 11 00:01:07.750 --> 00:01:11.549 disorder, honestly. So we talked a bit about that and I just give 12 00:01:11.549 --> 00:01:15.709 you about ten minutes of the interview and I hope that you'll check out the 13 00:01:15.829 --> 00:01:21.939 rest of the interview over at that B word podcast. She's on Itunes, 14 00:01:22.140 --> 00:01:26.819 apple podcasts and places like that. So I'll give it a listen. Cool, 15 00:01:26.900 --> 00:01:30.459 and I've got another one coming up after this with my buddy g shock, 16 00:01:30.620 --> 00:01:40.689 where we talk about Google bus protests in San Francisco. Google provides buses 17 00:01:40.969 --> 00:01:45.969 back and forth from the Silicon Valley to its employees and once they get into 18 00:01:45.969 --> 00:01:51.400 San Francisco the protesters don't like them much. So there's a big protest last 19 00:01:51.439 --> 00:01:56.319 week and I talked to g shock about that in the next episode. So 20 00:01:56.480 --> 00:02:00.920 two episodes in a row with guests. It's kind of weird because I feel 21 00:02:00.920 --> 00:02:02.750 like I've seen a lot of ways. I feel like I'm like a lift 22 00:02:02.870 --> 00:02:07.790 driver and I just picked you up and we're just going to go for a 23 00:02:07.870 --> 00:02:12.229 ride and you just kind of listen to your lift driver rambling on about random 24 00:02:12.270 --> 00:02:15.900 shit. Or maybe I was telling Becky I'm kind of like the Weirdo at 25 00:02:15.900 --> 00:02:19.740 the bus stop. It's like four or five people at the bus stop and 26 00:02:19.780 --> 00:02:22.900 I'm the one guy who just comes up, starts talking and won't shut up, 27 00:02:22.979 --> 00:02:25.300 so you're all kind of stuck listening to me. That's how it feels 28 00:02:25.340 --> 00:02:30.250 a lot to it a podcast. I'm the Weirdo at the bus stop anyway. 29 00:02:30.490 --> 00:02:35.009 So, using the lift metaphor, I just felt like I'd give you 30 00:02:35.050 --> 00:02:37.009 a heads up and let you know, hey, there's somebody else in the 31 00:02:37.090 --> 00:02:40.409 car with us. This first time it's going to be Becky, and then 32 00:02:40.449 --> 00:02:45.520 the next one will be g shock, and I tried to limit these to 33 00:02:45.599 --> 00:02:49.520 about ten minutes or so so they don't go on forever, and if you 34 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:53.000 don't like listening to two people talk, just fast forward to the next one. 35 00:02:53.560 --> 00:02:57.319 Cool, all right, I'll talk to you soon. Back join the 36 00:02:57.360 --> 00:03:02.229 party at bipolar partycom part of that, like the abandonment thing. You think 37 00:03:02.310 --> 00:03:07.349 maybe it's like that, like nobody was there to like rescue you or whatever. 38 00:03:07.870 --> 00:03:10.789 For sure, I felt completely like I'd thrown off a cliff and was 39 00:03:10.830 --> 00:03:15.539 just falling. I think with the abandonment piece, though, I've always okay. 40 00:03:15.580 --> 00:03:19.500 So here's what it. Being abandoned me caused me to do. It 41 00:03:19.620 --> 00:03:23.300 caused me to be like a chameleon, which I think might also be part 42 00:03:23.340 --> 00:03:27.099 of a borderline issue. Is, so, no matter what circumstance I'm in, 43 00:03:27.849 --> 00:03:30.409 I seem really charming and, you know, like a fit in, 44 00:03:30.490 --> 00:03:32.889 like Oh, this guy really gets it. Okay, so there's two things 45 00:03:32.930 --> 00:03:36.449 going on there. I'm smart, so I I can pick up data and 46 00:03:36.610 --> 00:03:39.569 in my surroundings really fast. Cool, but I'm also nuts, so I'm 47 00:03:39.689 --> 00:03:44.879 trying to use all that data that I'm gathering through my senses just to fit 48 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:47.039 in. I just don't want to be abandoned again. I don't want to 49 00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:51.680 lose this conversation. I don't want to lose the House I'm in, the 50 00:03:51.800 --> 00:03:54.680 relationship we have. I don't want to lose anything I've gathered up till now 51 00:03:55.110 --> 00:03:59.150 if you find out I'm a fraud, which is funny because in doing so 52 00:03:59.310 --> 00:04:02.110 I'm now a fraud. I'm now basically putting on an act to try to 53 00:04:02.189 --> 00:04:05.270 be the person you think I am, and I think that all stems from 54 00:04:05.629 --> 00:04:10.300 having nowhere to live and having to to kind of like figure out, how 55 00:04:10.419 --> 00:04:14.539 does this family act like when I sleep it raise house? How should I 56 00:04:14.539 --> 00:04:15.699 act to his MOM and dad? And then when I have to go over 57 00:04:15.740 --> 00:04:18.620 to Steve's house, what's his family like? How do I have to change 58 00:04:18.980 --> 00:04:21.980 just to have a meal tonight and just to not be kicked out into the 59 00:04:23.019 --> 00:04:27.490 streets? So I think the abandonment for me, because I was never like 60 00:04:27.769 --> 00:04:30.850 hardcore molested, like you know, having to pull down your pants in the 61 00:04:30.930 --> 00:04:33.329 creek is traumatic, but not like it's not like being raped or anything. 62 00:04:34.370 --> 00:04:40.120 And we'll get hit mail for some shit like that. For sure. Actually, 63 00:04:40.399 --> 00:04:42.399 I'm not like, yeah, it's not a contest, I'm just trying 64 00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:46.480 to convey what happened to me and kind of sorted out like how it connects 65 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:49.399 to how I am today. So yeah, abandonment, I think, definitely 66 00:04:49.439 --> 00:04:55.230 cause my personal borderline. Yeah, and that whole thing about having a narcissistic 67 00:04:55.310 --> 00:04:58.670 parent that we've talked about before. If you have a parent who expects you 68 00:04:58.709 --> 00:05:01.949 to be a certain way and withholds love unless you are that way, well, 69 00:05:02.629 --> 00:05:06.029 humans need love, you're going to fucking like start acting that way for 70 00:05:06.139 --> 00:05:10.540 your dose of love now and then, even though that might not be your 71 00:05:10.699 --> 00:05:14.860 genuine self. Yeah, so, have you ever heard of concept of splitting? 72 00:05:15.180 --> 00:05:17.620 I have. We are you talking about splitting parents, like like a 73 00:05:17.899 --> 00:05:21.810 person splitting to other people? That's the context. I know it is. 74 00:05:23.170 --> 00:05:28.689 Yeah, it's splinning. Is like when you aren't able to reconcile two different 75 00:05:28.730 --> 00:05:32.730 parts of a person into the same person. Like you can't reconcile angry mom 76 00:05:32.970 --> 00:05:36.079 into happy mom and loving mom. Oh, they're like no, I have 77 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:40.839 all it, Bikey, yeah, tell me more. Yeah. So, 78 00:05:41.800 --> 00:05:45.920 well, that's basically what how it was explained to me by my my therapist 79 00:05:45.959 --> 00:05:48.399 anyway. So how does how does that sit? How does it sit in 80 00:05:48.480 --> 00:05:53.110 your consciousness then? If I if I've got like two MOMS, basically the 81 00:05:53.230 --> 00:05:55.790 one that's evil and then the one that loves me when I'm good. I 82 00:05:56.389 --> 00:06:00.550 mean I think your rational brain understands that it's the same person, but like 83 00:06:00.790 --> 00:06:03.230 your Lizard Brain, or for lack of a better turn, doesn't, doesn't 84 00:06:03.379 --> 00:06:10.740 really get it, because they seem like such different entities. I guess, 85 00:06:10.779 --> 00:06:14.019 yeah, they come from, it's different angles. It's really hard to watch 86 00:06:14.100 --> 00:06:17.889 them up, whereas like one one minute she could be screaming and swearing and 87 00:06:18.050 --> 00:06:23.129 throwing things and Bang your head against the wall and then the next second she's 88 00:06:23.170 --> 00:06:26.689 like crying and like saying that she loves you or whatever, which was basically 89 00:06:26.769 --> 00:06:30.449 my mom. Yeah, yeah, and she'd say weird mine would say weird 90 00:06:30.490 --> 00:06:34.759 things like I love you, but I don't like you right now. Like 91 00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:38.879 I'm like what, what's even means? You read like tough love, the 92 00:06:38.879 --> 00:06:41.959 book called Tough Love, which is total bullshit. It's like Hey, a 93 00:06:42.040 --> 00:06:45.720 Bandon your kids, you know, neglect them, with hold from them. 94 00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:49.069 That'll teach them. Like who, where is this Mombo? Jumbo coming from. 95 00:06:49.230 --> 00:06:51.230 It didn't work. Well, at least it didn't work with me. 96 00:06:51.389 --> 00:06:54.829 I mean no, I know a lot of people are out there thinking no, 97 00:06:55.029 --> 00:06:57.670 tough love fucking works. I know because it worked for me. Well, 98 00:06:57.990 --> 00:07:00.990 that's yeah, you probably haven't been to a psych doctor as an adult. 99 00:07:00.990 --> 00:07:02.860 Let's see how we're really we work for you. Yeah, and what 100 00:07:02.939 --> 00:07:08.660 kind of diagnosis do they have? None, that's totally a not episode of 101 00:07:08.699 --> 00:07:12.540 a podcast I'm going to do shortly. It's just the vast amount of people 102 00:07:12.540 --> 00:07:15.170 in America that have never had a checkup, had a psych checkup at all. 103 00:07:15.970 --> 00:07:19.209 So we've that's I'm a leave it at that. Let's get back to 104 00:07:19.329 --> 00:07:23.970 border line. Yeah, yeah, you need some fire free everything. Yeah, 105 00:07:24.050 --> 00:07:27.490 right, anyway. So, like you were talking about not wanting to 106 00:07:27.889 --> 00:07:31.720 like change in the with a you know in the gym or whatever. Yeah, 107 00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:38.639 yeah, yeah, so I can totally understand that because, like it 108 00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:43.720 sucks, though, because what part of my thing is kissing and like certain 109 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:48.149 methods of kissing. I really can't I can't stand it and I always feel 110 00:07:48.189 --> 00:07:53.149 terrible because I'm always like pushing my husand new way when he gets like that, 111 00:07:53.550 --> 00:07:57.550 like no, he gotta like back up right now, seriously, dude, 112 00:07:58.230 --> 00:08:01.420 because it triggers that memory of whatever happened when you're younger. Yeah, 113 00:08:01.540 --> 00:08:05.379 and yeah, no, I guess, and weird ways, like food to 114 00:08:05.540 --> 00:08:07.699 like if you didn't like the taste or smell of food, or if you 115 00:08:07.860 --> 00:08:09.139 love the smell of your mom's Mac and cheese or whatever. I mean, 116 00:08:09.180 --> 00:08:13.930 there's something so deeply ingrained in our senses, like in the core of our 117 00:08:13.009 --> 00:08:20.050 brain, that no matter what, even your loving husband in a kissing it's 118 00:08:20.089 --> 00:08:22.250 like, oh, it's all good, except for that one thing. You 119 00:08:22.290 --> 00:08:24.449 gotta stop that one thing, like whatever, like you hit the one spot 120 00:08:24.529 --> 00:08:28.920 that reminds me of a fucked up situation and neither one of you can do 121 00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:31.720 much about it right there at the moment. So it becomes really awkward. 122 00:08:31.759 --> 00:08:35.639 So you either have to, I guess, suck it up and wait till 123 00:08:35.720 --> 00:08:39.080 that part passes, or bring it up and risk offending him, which I'm 124 00:08:39.080 --> 00:08:41.110 sure, as a guy, would totally be offended. We like well, 125 00:08:41.110 --> 00:08:45.629 folk upen, I'm going to school, Watch TV. Yeah, yeah, 126 00:08:46.070 --> 00:08:48.629 not not that your husband's that way, but I know I would tend to 127 00:08:48.669 --> 00:08:50.789 be, because I just get offended like, Oh, I'm not doing it 128 00:08:50.830 --> 00:08:54.149 right then we'll fuck it. Sometimes with the borderline I would think you hate 129 00:08:54.149 --> 00:08:56.259 me and I'm like, oh well, who's been doing it right? Really, 130 00:08:56.539 --> 00:09:00.700 I'd even like my kissing. WHO's kissing? Do you like? Then? 131 00:09:01.379 --> 00:09:03.299 You know what I mean. It could really get out of hand real 132 00:09:03.340 --> 00:09:07.340 fast. So I feel for you in that situation. Like do you speak 133 00:09:07.379 --> 00:09:11.529 your mind? He's Annie. I usually I try to just like, you 134 00:09:11.649 --> 00:09:20.690 know, change the situation somehow without you know, being yeah, just yeah. 135 00:09:20.769 --> 00:09:22.450 She blunt about it. I guess just be kind, because you're a 136 00:09:22.570 --> 00:09:26.840 generally a kind person. So I'm sure, thank you. Treat that with 137 00:09:26.919 --> 00:09:31.000 kindness, but it's right. How Much Do you speaking partners know? How 138 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:35.200 much does your partner know about your personal borderline and like borderline in general? 139 00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:39.230 Well, I try to get him to read up on borderline in general. 140 00:09:39.230 --> 00:09:41.990 I'm not really sure he has. I know he's rot up on by Boler. 141 00:09:43.629 --> 00:09:45.789 I don't know if he's right up on the board of line, which 142 00:09:46.190 --> 00:09:50.350 kind of sucks because that's the part you can't control of medicine. So every 143 00:09:50.429 --> 00:09:54.019 now and then I start think, man, I am more affected by borderline 144 00:09:54.059 --> 00:09:56.740 than I am bipolar. Now, I'm not trying to say hey, my 145 00:09:56.860 --> 00:10:00.899 body polar cured? It's not. I feel the symptoms a lot frequently, 146 00:10:01.539 --> 00:10:07.210 but I'm used to those. They're they're predictable in their unpredictability. I can't 147 00:10:07.250 --> 00:10:11.009 predict when they're going to happen, but I'm used to the way my bipolar 148 00:10:11.090 --> 00:10:15.090 mood swings make me feel, so I'm not as scared by the actual mood 149 00:10:15.169 --> 00:10:18.529 swings as much. What does bother me, though, is the hating of 150 00:10:18.649 --> 00:10:24.000 myself, because that is what will lead me to like suicidal ideation. It's 151 00:10:24.039 --> 00:10:26.080 not a mood swing. There's nothing that makes me currently sad enough to like 152 00:10:26.159 --> 00:10:31.080 a fuck, this is miserable, until the borderline kicks in and like Oh, 153 00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:33.440 it's miserable because it's always been miserable and no one's ever liked me and 154 00:10:33.840 --> 00:10:39.029 it's never going to change and why even be here? That's in my mind. 155 00:10:39.070 --> 00:10:41.269 That's the borderline saying all that stuff. It's not. It's not depression. 156 00:10:41.269 --> 00:10:46.230 Depression is depression. It makes me lethargic, stay in bed. Dark 157 00:10:46.590 --> 00:10:50.059 feels like a giant wave of like dark black lava or big tsunami, slowly 158 00:10:50.139 --> 00:10:54.980 coming at me. But it doesn't feel like die. Doesn't feel like die. 159 00:10:56.019 --> 00:10:58.820 John, you suck that to me. Yeah, is borderline. So 160 00:10:58.940 --> 00:11:01.820 I wish more people did know about it, because man, it's miserable. 161 00:11:01.820 --> 00:11:07.330 It's and the thing is both with bipolar disorder and borderline, neither one of 162 00:11:07.450 --> 00:11:13.169 those are developmental disorders. were very cognizant, we're lucid. We know that 163 00:11:13.330 --> 00:11:16.649 our brain just fucked up and I likened it to a sneeze when I tried 164 00:11:16.649 --> 00:11:20.080 to explain it to my kids when they were younger, and like well, 165 00:11:20.120 --> 00:11:24.240 I got this thing where sometimes I have like a mental sneeze and I can't 166 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:28.000 predict it, I can't stop it while it's happening and I apologize if I 167 00:11:28.039 --> 00:11:33.909 sneeze on you. That's kind of a good way to explain it to a 168 00:11:33.909 --> 00:11:35.669 kid. Yeah, well, I'm like, it's not personal, like sometimes 169 00:11:35.669 --> 00:11:37.509 you get something who knows, you know what a sneeze is, right, 170 00:11:37.509 --> 00:11:39.669 and they're all yeah, I'm like, well, sometimes of my brain has 171 00:11:39.710 --> 00:11:43.750 a sneeze and we all get kicked out of the Amusement Park. So I 172 00:11:43.789 --> 00:11:48.419 apologize. Did that really happen? That happened? Oh No, I'm sorry, 173 00:11:48.419 --> 00:11:54.539 surrounded by police. Oh God, I'm sorry, I don't even. 174 00:11:54.580 --> 00:11:56.980 I just could let it go. I just couldn't. Nobody got hurt. 175 00:11:58.379 --> 00:12:01.850 I just couldn't let it go, and when you're my size that people don't 176 00:12:01.889 --> 00:12:05.250 like it when you can't let shit go. Yeah, yeah, like that. 177 00:12:07.049 --> 00:12:09.490 Sometimes I forget. I feel like the fourteen year old kid that got 178 00:12:09.529 --> 00:12:13.370 kicked out of the House. I think my growth was stunted then and I 179 00:12:13.450 --> 00:12:18.639 feel like a gangly goober kid, but real life one like a six foot 180 00:12:18.679 --> 00:12:22.159 one, two hundred and fifteen pound, shaved head Nazi looking dude. Not 181 00:12:22.279 --> 00:12:24.759 to glorify Nazis. It all I mean else I get that if I hit 182 00:12:24.840 --> 00:12:28.200 some red boots on or whatever color boots, knozis use. Yeah, people 183 00:12:28.200 --> 00:12:31.309 would probably like what the fuck? Anyway, I'm a blue eyed brother now. 184 00:12:33.149 --> 00:12:37.029 That said, yeah, there's been instances where it's definitely not being able 185 00:12:37.029 --> 00:12:41.909 to let it go. Can't say that that's borderline. But again, borderline 186 00:12:41.950 --> 00:12:46.340 probably because if somebody like an amusement park is trying to argue logic with you, 187 00:12:46.419 --> 00:12:50.860 you'r think you're being victimized, you think he's just picking on you. 188 00:12:50.940 --> 00:12:52.740 You don't see that Guy Picking on anybody else in line. You Think, 189 00:12:52.779 --> 00:12:54.860 Oh, this guy's just fucking pick it on me. Why is it always 190 00:12:54.860 --> 00:12:58.009 be how come the world's out to get me? That's a thing with borderline 191 00:12:58.009 --> 00:13:01.649 people. We think the world's fucking out to get us when it's it's not, 192 00:13:01.129 --> 00:13:05.450 and we have to be reminded constantly that, dude, if the world 193 00:13:05.490 --> 00:13:07.769 is not out to get you, you're doing just fine. Try, try, 194 00:13:07.850 --> 00:13:11.090 to appreciate what you have, and that, unto itself, drives me 195 00:13:11.129 --> 00:13:13.879 crazy. When people say, well, maybe he should just be more grateful 196 00:13:13.879 --> 00:13:18.879 for what you have, I'm like, yeah, fucking course I am grateful, 197 00:13:18.200 --> 00:13:22.919 but why can't I want one more and why can't I want to feel 198 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:30.429 better about myself without being told just be grateful. Yeah, people don't have 199 00:13:30.590 --> 00:13:33.669 no idea what they're talking about when they say things like that. That and 200 00:13:33.950 --> 00:13:37.190 they try. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it comes from like a nice 201 00:13:37.509 --> 00:13:41.340 place, they're trying to help, place of like compassionate or whatever, but 202 00:13:41.740 --> 00:13:52.139 I mean it's not helpful if it's. Yeah, it's a bit dismiss styles 203 00:13:52.740 --> 00:14:00.330 on cheese and five following on twitter joyless. Excuse me, as quality