New kid or stray dog/ The novelty wears off soon/ Now I am nothing

WEBVTT 1 00:00:11.750 --> 00:00:20.350 I'm ready to eat. You're going to have some Turkey. I'm waiting for 2 00:00:20.469 --> 00:00:37.969 the mayor's potatoes. They don't forget that gravy. Love the gravy. You 3 00:00:38.090 --> 00:00:44.130 got some beans? I'll take some beans. The go ahead. Little more 4 00:00:44.170 --> 00:00:50.079 than that. I don't care if that touch. I'll mix them up anyway. 5 00:00:51.320 --> 00:01:02.920 They all go to the same place. Little more gravy. That's a 6 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:21.340 plate. We're going to stop and say grace now. I now. I 7 00:01:21.500 --> 00:01:42.090 think it's time to eat. It's it's the whole podcast for today. I'm 8 00:01:42.170 --> 00:01:47.200 just playing, trying to do something to keep my spirits up, keep my 9 00:01:47.239 --> 00:01:53.879 own spirits up. I feel like a stray dog. Like never a priority, 10 00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:57.400 like if you see a like, if you want a pet, you'll 11 00:01:57.439 --> 00:02:01.390 go get a pet and you'll take care of it right and most of the 12 00:02:01.430 --> 00:02:04.950 time you don't really pay attention to other animals. But if you see a 13 00:02:04.989 --> 00:02:12.150 stray dog running around looking ridiculous and just pathetic, a lot of most people 14 00:02:12.229 --> 00:02:15.819 would try to find its home, like where do you belong? Yeah, 15 00:02:16.180 --> 00:02:20.539 I'm that. I'm the one that that never happens to. So on the 16 00:02:20.580 --> 00:02:25.099 holidays it sucks especially because, well, for one, I wanted I had 17 00:02:25.219 --> 00:02:29.419 kids and a family to have holidays. I like holidays, I think they're 18 00:02:29.780 --> 00:02:34.409 I think families great and I like hanging out with family. However, ever, 19 00:02:34.569 --> 00:02:38.530 since I got divorced, there has been no family. Like nobody wants 20 00:02:38.569 --> 00:02:42.009 to hang out with me. I'm nobody's priority, you know what I mean? 21 00:02:42.930 --> 00:02:46.639 Nobody. When they're putting a list of people to invite to an event 22 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:50.080 or a holiday party or anything like that, I'm not the top of anyone's 23 00:02:50.120 --> 00:02:52.479 list. Nobody's going like, Oh, fuck, yeah, we got to 24 00:02:52.599 --> 00:02:53.599 invite John, of course, yeah, Oh, yeah, in the whole 25 00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:57.080 room agrees like, Oh yeah, yeah, put in first on list. 26 00:02:57.319 --> 00:03:02.389 It's never happening, not even on the list. I'm the guy who people 27 00:03:02.469 --> 00:03:07.389 find out did not get invited somewhere else and at the last minute, oh 28 00:03:07.469 --> 00:03:09.069 well, yeah, we have room, will make room now, we will 29 00:03:09.110 --> 00:03:14.180 have some leftovers, that kind of thing. I'm the left over guy and 30 00:03:14.460 --> 00:03:17.139 it's a completely fucked up it's a fucked up feeling to be the leftover guy. 31 00:03:17.819 --> 00:03:21.139 You ever been the third wheel out there? This kind of I got 32 00:03:21.180 --> 00:03:23.860 this feeling back when I was a kid in school because I got moved from 33 00:03:23.860 --> 00:03:28.610 school to school so frequently. I was always the new kid. Well, 34 00:03:28.969 --> 00:03:31.689 one are the things. Top of being bullied as the new kid because you're 35 00:03:31.729 --> 00:03:36.370 the lowest of the Totem Pole in school when you're the new kid, you 36 00:03:36.490 --> 00:03:40.129 also get picked last for most sports. Nobody knows if you're good or bad 37 00:03:40.210 --> 00:03:43.120 at the sport. The thing is, they just don't know you. You 38 00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:45.639 don't fit in, so of course, if you're not their friend, they're 39 00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:49.840 not going to pick you. So it's kind of that similar feeling. If 40 00:03:49.879 --> 00:03:53.919 you've ever been not picked for sports or pick last, it's the same thing 41 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:57.270 with the holidays. For me, I guess fucking get picked last, if 42 00:03:57.349 --> 00:04:00.550 at all. A lot of people don't even think of me anymore, which 43 00:04:00.590 --> 00:04:04.509 is fine and totally understandable in most cases. However, my own family, 44 00:04:04.629 --> 00:04:09.389 though, like up and down the family tree. My Dad, he's on 45 00:04:09.469 --> 00:04:13.819 the Shit List because he embezzled my truck. He's he put it. Let 46 00:04:13.819 --> 00:04:16.459 him borrow my truck. He took it up to the mountains and registered in 47 00:04:16.540 --> 00:04:19.579 his name, which is the same as mine, except the middle initial is 48 00:04:19.620 --> 00:04:23.860 different. And then when I needed it the very most, when I was 49 00:04:23.939 --> 00:04:28.089 super out destitute, he wouldn't let me have my truck to either drive it 50 00:04:28.209 --> 00:04:30.129 anywhere or to sell it for the money. He's like no, I need 51 00:04:30.290 --> 00:04:33.649 it. Like fuck, you fucking kidding me. I had to get the 52 00:04:33.730 --> 00:04:39.360 department of motor vehicles investigator on his ass and all this other stuff. So 53 00:04:39.480 --> 00:04:45.480 anyway, he's on my shit list and I would have thought my mom would 54 00:04:45.480 --> 00:04:48.240 have reached out to me or something like because one of my sister died a 55 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:54.149 few years ago. That made me the only kid left, and I'm like, 56 00:04:54.310 --> 00:04:56.430 well, don't, don't you miss me? I mean I fucking a 57 00:04:56.550 --> 00:05:00.110 miss my kids. That's why I texted them this morning like I love you, 58 00:05:00.189 --> 00:05:03.949 happy Thanksgiving, and one of the three texted me back, so I'm 59 00:05:03.990 --> 00:05:10.660 like okay, and but then, not only did I emailed my mom and 60 00:05:10.699 --> 00:05:13.379 I sent her a video like hi, how are you doing? Happy thanksgiving, 61 00:05:13.420 --> 00:05:16.339 and sent her a text to reminder about it, and and still nothing. 62 00:05:16.379 --> 00:05:21.449 There's like almost nine o'clock at night and Nah, nobody's nobody's taking any 63 00:05:21.490 --> 00:05:27.170 initiative to reach out to me, especially and including the people that know I'm 64 00:05:27.209 --> 00:05:31.850 alone. I don't expect like listeners or co workers at things like that because 65 00:05:31.850 --> 00:05:36.399 I kind of keep my life compartmentalize, but my fucking family knows and just 66 00:05:36.519 --> 00:05:42.680 seems rude and unnecessarily mean. Because who am I being compared to anyway? 67 00:05:42.680 --> 00:05:46.879 Because in this case, you hear, my own dad is an embezzler and 68 00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:51.509 my kids other GRANDPA fucking molested, you know, their mom and all the 69 00:05:51.550 --> 00:05:56.870 other daughters back when they were kids, not my son's but their mom and 70 00:05:56.990 --> 00:06:00.829 her sisters, were all molested by that GRANDPA, who spent time in prison 71 00:06:00.709 --> 00:06:04.899 for dealing child pornography. So if those are the two other men and their 72 00:06:04.939 --> 00:06:08.860 family, like, who am I being modeled after as the bad guy? 73 00:06:09.180 --> 00:06:14.139 Like because I have mental health issues? That's it, give me a break. 74 00:06:14.860 --> 00:06:20.170 So anyway, this fucking hurts and doing whatever I can to stay out 75 00:06:20.170 --> 00:06:27.370 of trouble. I didn't drink, I didn't eat really much junk food. 76 00:06:27.370 --> 00:06:32.399 Today. Wandered around loss for a minute trying to find someplace to buy anything, 77 00:06:32.439 --> 00:06:39.639 and I don't know just because probably the pandemic, the fact that this 78 00:06:39.800 --> 00:06:45.040 is a conservative town to begin with, on top of Thanksgiving, man, 79 00:06:45.079 --> 00:06:47.389 it hard to find anything that was open. So I just kind of wandered 80 00:06:47.430 --> 00:06:51.629 around and look like an idiot. Sometimes, not hard for me to do. 81 00:06:55.029 --> 00:07:00.550 Well, I'm one day six of the lifted t DCS machine. That's 82 00:07:00.629 --> 00:07:06.420 the transcranial direct current stimulation, the electronic device that zaps my brain, my 83 00:07:06.579 --> 00:07:12.060 frontal lobe. There's a specific part of the brain up there in the frontal 84 00:07:12.139 --> 00:07:17.889 lobe that it stimulates. You could look it up, get liftedcom's what it 85 00:07:18.129 --> 00:07:21.449 is like. I said, they don't pay me, not paying them, 86 00:07:21.970 --> 00:07:28.769 just checking it out, trying some brain stimulation with electricity to see if it 87 00:07:28.850 --> 00:07:31.839 helps my depression. And I don't know. It's kind of not fair, 88 00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:34.759 though, because I'm trying it through the holidays, which are notoriously bad. 89 00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:39.800 So the only measure of the holidays is don't kill yourself. So if I 90 00:07:39.879 --> 00:07:43.879 don't kill myself, is the is it just because I normally don't haven't killed 91 00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:46.790 myself yet, or is it because that in the machine works? I don't 92 00:07:46.790 --> 00:07:49.829 know, it's hard to say. Like I said, it's fun to try. 93 00:07:50.870 --> 00:07:55.149 Gives me something, gives me something to focus on for twenty minutes of 94 00:07:55.269 --> 00:07:59.379 the day since there's nothing else really much to do. Yeah, especially through 95 00:07:59.420 --> 00:08:05.019 the holiday weekend. I hope you're having a great holiday. I hope you 96 00:08:05.100 --> 00:08:09.459 having no, I'm hoping you surviving basically, and so far you have. 97 00:08:09.779 --> 00:08:13.129 If you're listening to this podcast right now. Chances are really high. It's 98 00:08:13.129 --> 00:08:18.850 after Thanksgiving. So you made it and I don't know, not much longer. 99 00:08:18.930 --> 00:08:22.490 Pretty soon we'll have a new president's not long after that will start getting 100 00:08:22.490 --> 00:08:26.560 people inoculated against the pandemic and who knows, by summer we might be able 101 00:08:26.560 --> 00:08:33.919 to congregate in the flesh with other humans again. So that would be lovely. 102 00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:39.159 So yeah, that's it. Back to the wall from me. Take 103 00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:48.029 Care, fair lovely morning. Charlot, to kill yourself today. Think of 104 00:08:48.149 --> 00:09:01.059 rob that you've been missing prescription killer. Got Your blessings early for the latter. 105 00:09:01.299 --> 00:09:11.610 Get the game. Winn. It's father lucky living just takes killers. 106 00:09:13.049 --> 00:09:13.049 And now back to the wall.