John Emotions Interviews Listener "J" ... Bipolar + Bipolar

WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:04.400 What's up, mofos. How you doing? New Friends, I'm John Emotions 2 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:15.560 and this is Emodo Joe. Today's episode is a really cool episode. It's 3 00:00:15.640 --> 00:00:20.120 with a listener named Jay and it really represents one of the main reasons I 4 00:00:20.199 --> 00:00:23.519 do a podcast, is that I get to talk to strangers, talk to 5 00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:27.600 people have never met and see what we have in common. So I love 6 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:31.079 it. Turns out to be a really good conversation. He's very similar to 7 00:00:31.120 --> 00:00:35.560 me, you know, middle aged, wike eye, diagnosed with bipolar later 8 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:38.799 in life, and we share many of the same ups and down some you 9 00:00:38.840 --> 00:00:42.280 probably share at these two regardless of your gender, race or age. You 10 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:45.439 know, what I did find was interesting, and this is kind of becoming 11 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:50.399 a pattern. I think I'm getting good at first timers, people that have 12 00:00:50.479 --> 00:00:55.679 never shared their story to the world, coming on the show and sharing a 13 00:00:55.719 --> 00:00:58.880 story. So it's happened several times in the past a few months. So 14 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:03.280 that's kind of cool. If you have a mental illness and have never talked 15 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:06.079 about it and want to talk about it, you could do it like jays 16 00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:11.200 about to completely anonymous. You know, is nothing secretive about it, but 17 00:01:11.239 --> 00:01:14.400 you know, we explain why we keep our names you know, somewhat hidden 18 00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:18.239 because those stigma involved, but yeah, you know, letting first time or 19 00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:23.000 share their stories and showing the world that people with bipolars disorder can do normal 20 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:26.680 things. Like, basically, we can do everything everyone else does. We're 21 00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:30.239 just a little more interesting. We go to word work, we make podcasts, 22 00:01:30.439 --> 00:01:36.400 have conversation with strangers and generally try to do right by others. If 23 00:01:36.480 --> 00:01:40.000 you're into that kind of thing, then this is the right place. EMO 24 00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:45.000 DOJO is for you. So let's open up the doors to the Dojo and 25 00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:51.920 talk to Jay. Here's Jay in the EMO Dojo. I'M gonna go by 26 00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:55.400 Jay. That's right, totally cool. Yeah, no, especially this because 27 00:01:55.719 --> 00:01:57.799 I've been fired because people found out how a podcast back in the day, 28 00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:02.319 and then the bosses everything became more like, oh, of John Miss work, 29 00:02:02.519 --> 00:02:07.359 maybe it's because he has bipolar. Or if John's acting up or speaking 30 00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:09.000 his voice, maybe it's because he has bipolar. I'm like, Oh, 31 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:14.759 for fuck's sake, dude, it wasn't until you found out about the podcast. 32 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:17.159 Right. Yeah, it's crazy how that works, right. Yeah, 33 00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:20.439 all right, dude. So I'm yeah, I will refer to you as 34 00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:24.879 Jay and if we won't, we will get into any details about necessarily where 35 00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:28.240 you were. Will say we're, you know, in America or something like 36 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:31.599 that, and talk as much as you want to about as much detail, 37 00:02:31.639 --> 00:02:37.159 and then we'll take it from there. Okay, yeah, because it's pretty 38 00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:38.439 casual. Like it. You've heard the show before. I'm like, I 39 00:02:38.439 --> 00:02:43.159 try to try to be accommodating and let people say as much as they want 40 00:02:43.199 --> 00:02:46.199 and after I listen back, I usually let it are out for a couple 41 00:02:46.240 --> 00:02:49.759 days. Then I listen to it again and if we say anything that is 42 00:02:49.800 --> 00:02:54.400 Cringey, makes us would embarrass our kids or might get us fired at work, 43 00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:58.560 like particularly me, because so I don't know who actually knows, but 44 00:02:58.599 --> 00:03:00.879 I know my enemies no out my podcast and if they really wanted to, 45 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:06.080 they would share it with my bosses. So I don't say anything that would 46 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:08.439 get be quote unquote, canceled, and I pretty much avoid politics completely, 47 00:03:08.479 --> 00:03:12.879 although I think most of my listeners know my political persuasion. I don't like. 48 00:03:12.919 --> 00:03:16.599 It's not a political show. Cool. Yeah, I I mean I 49 00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:21.280 can ramble on so a bit. You'll pend to cut me off bad. 50 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:24.479 I'm totally cool with that. No issues whatsoever. Awesome to it. Awesome 51 00:03:25.439 --> 00:03:28.800 let's I'm going to kill my camera. Then there's a little button along the 52 00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:30.919 bottom, just as cam. We just click that and we'll shut off your 53 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:36.879 camera. Okay, welcome back to Emo Dojo. I'm here today with a 54 00:03:36.960 --> 00:03:42.439 listener who actually hit me up and signed out the guest request for him to 55 00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:46.400 be on the show with and this is perfect because Jay here, we'll call 56 00:03:46.479 --> 00:03:51.680 him Jay. Jay, like me, easy to remember, and so he 57 00:03:51.719 --> 00:03:53.479 wrote this cool description of his life and I'm like, Oh, yeah, 58 00:03:53.479 --> 00:03:55.919 it's pretty much my life and I thought it would be need for you, 59 00:03:55.960 --> 00:04:00.039 the listener, to hear how similar all of our lives are and yet how 60 00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:04.199 normal we actually are. So this is great. I'm it's awesome to have 61 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:08.800 you, Jay. Thanks for reaching out and being so bold as to go 62 00:04:08.840 --> 00:04:12.159 on a podcast, and we'll get into your experience the podcasting in a few 63 00:04:12.159 --> 00:04:15.840 minutes, but thanks, man, come on in. Thanks for having you, 64 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:18.839 John. It's not something I don't think it's something you ever intend to 65 00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:24.879 do, or at least I didn't. And then just listening to you, 66 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:29.839 AH, over long time now. I work outside and and you know I 67 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:32.000 kind of get bored sometimes with playing the same tunes, not that I don't 68 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:38.959 have a big library of stuff, but like the education part of podcast and 69 00:04:39.079 --> 00:04:42.399 the fun stuff. Fan, you do both really well. Sot To be 70 00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:44.360 here. Yeah, I appreciate that. I do the same thing. I 71 00:04:44.439 --> 00:04:46.120 drive a lot and I listened to a lot of stuff and sometimes I've just 72 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:49.800 had it with music. I love music. I play music and my the 73 00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:54.040 vibes in my brain. I'm like, okay, I need some talking, 74 00:04:54.120 --> 00:04:58.160 give me some talking. I'm with you there, man. It just kind 75 00:04:58.199 --> 00:05:00.639 of happens in your life. Yeah, and then it flips, you know, 76 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:02.480 I listen to a podcast or too much of an audio book and I'm 77 00:05:02.519 --> 00:05:05.360 like, Oh, what is missing from my life? I'll music, get 78 00:05:05.399 --> 00:05:09.759 back to the music. So, yeah, jump back and forth. Yeah, 79 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:13.519 that's really neat. Dude. What do you what is Your Day job 80 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:18.639 right now? I am in maintenance and kind of always been a maintenance it's 81 00:05:18.680 --> 00:05:23.560 been, you know, pools and pools and hut tubs for quite a long 82 00:05:23.560 --> 00:05:28.839 time and then moved, like a lot of us, by polar folks do 83 00:05:30.079 --> 00:05:32.439 move several times. So I'm not sure how much we can get into that, 84 00:05:32.480 --> 00:05:36.240 but too, that's the job, man. Yeah, but I mean 85 00:05:36.279 --> 00:05:40.079 that is part of the thing right. I mean the the details of your 86 00:05:40.120 --> 00:05:43.439 job are less important than the fact that, like you said, we change 87 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:47.120 jobs and living locations so frequently, and it's not by design. I would 88 00:05:47.160 --> 00:05:51.639 love to have a stable, normal existence, but for some reason, about 89 00:05:51.680 --> 00:05:57.120 every fucking thousand days I'm up and going somewhere that I never ever would have 90 00:05:57.160 --> 00:06:03.120 planned to be. I mean, I get it immediately as the worst come 91 00:06:03.160 --> 00:06:06.319 out of your mouth because, like you said, you know, a lot 92 00:06:06.360 --> 00:06:11.920 of our experiences are are pretty close, and moving just seems to be one 93 00:06:11.959 --> 00:06:15.079 of those where you just Kinda and I always seem to kind of get it 94 00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:19.040 to year thing at work and then I'm kind of done. Right. Yeah, 95 00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:25.439 so, yeah, it's you know, you know what. So seven 96 00:06:25.560 --> 00:06:29.000 hundred or so days or eight hundred and twenty? Yeah, I just I 97 00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:31.160 just jumped under the metric system. I seem like it's roughly three years. 98 00:06:31.160 --> 00:06:33.399 But is it a whole three years? Like, no, it's not. 99 00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:36.439 quiets more than two and like, Huh, let's call it a thousand days 100 00:06:36.519 --> 00:06:41.839 edge for fun. When did you two and five years drawn yeah, yeah, 101 00:06:41.879 --> 00:06:43.759 and it could be. I mean, if I'm in a better situation, 102 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:47.680 I lasted ten years before I knew I was bipolar. I had bipolar 103 00:06:47.839 --> 00:06:50.720 and that was cool. But because if you did, here we can get 104 00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:56.319 into that too, about the labeling and the diagnosis. So you were diagnosed 105 00:06:56.399 --> 00:07:00.360 late in life, like me. What was it like in school when you 106 00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:03.920 were young? Were you weird? Were you a smart kid like? Well, 107 00:07:04.120 --> 00:07:06.800 like, how did that all fold out? Say, Grade School? 108 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:15.560 Well, I kind of blacked out a good bit of my childhood and I'm 109 00:07:15.639 --> 00:07:20.319 sure there's some reasons for that that you know, probably not going to get 110 00:07:20.439 --> 00:07:26.439 it too here. Yeah, so kind of kind of more pick up around 111 00:07:26.519 --> 00:07:30.839 middle school, sixth grade or so. And and yeah, I never thought 112 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:34.839 that I was the weird kid. But look at look at it things now 113 00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:39.839 after the diagnosis. I mean, how could I not think I was the 114 00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:43.360 weird kid at this point? But where you the weird kid, like in 115 00:07:43.399 --> 00:07:46.199 school, because kids are weird, right, kids are generally weird and they're 116 00:07:46.240 --> 00:07:49.319 all exploring our little our little beans and and prior to that, like, 117 00:07:49.560 --> 00:07:54.839 just just for the record, I was shit, I'll say abused, because 118 00:07:54.839 --> 00:07:57.800 I was beating. I didn't like to be hit. So I was abused, 119 00:07:58.680 --> 00:08:01.720 neglected and then finally abandoned as a kid, as a child. So 120 00:08:01.879 --> 00:08:05.800 if I'm assuming a lot of those type of things made. It may have 121 00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:11.680 happened to you in various levels of in degrees right, yes and no. 122 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:18.519 So interesting. Family was, you know, a very non confrontational family, 123 00:08:18.759 --> 00:08:22.879 very much. You know, just work. You know, work hard, 124 00:08:22.959 --> 00:08:26.720 and as long as you work hard you can pretty much kind of kind of 125 00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:28.480 do whatever you want, you know, as long as sure, yeah, 126 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:33.000 put out some effort and don't just say slack off, because your parents are 127 00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:35.879 probably like mine, born in the s early s or something like that. 128 00:08:37.240 --> 00:08:41.399 Absolutely yeah, and you know they're great folks. And you know, it's 129 00:08:41.519 --> 00:08:43.799 kind of a dual ledge store because when you're in need to help, which 130 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:50.240 I was looking for in my really my late teens and early S, you 131 00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:52.919 know, a kind of you know, at that point it was pretty taboo 132 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:58.240 and you know my what I told him. I I just don't even know 133 00:08:58.279 --> 00:09:03.039 what's going on. I've got some issues up upstairs here and you know, 134 00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:09.080 I basically want to jump out of my skin. It took like some it 135 00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:13.840 seemed like it was like plotting to like call this person to like maybe, 136 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:18.759 you know, they know psychiatrist or therapist and you know, as kind of 137 00:09:18.759 --> 00:09:22.120 this like yeah, the secretly machadasi yeah, the parents get into let's find 138 00:09:22.159 --> 00:09:28.039 a way to get this settled. Yeah, so I was I think I 139 00:09:28.200 --> 00:09:33.840 ended up being probably somewhere around twenty three, you know, when this happened. 140 00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:35.600 But I was already, you know, I already kind of knew that 141 00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:41.600 my my brain didn't work right really in my, you know, Middle Teens. 142 00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:43.480 You know, I was kind of figuring out stuff like man, this 143 00:09:43.559 --> 00:09:46.440 doesn't make sense. Yeah, well, kind of things bro came to your 144 00:09:46.440 --> 00:09:54.480 attention that started to make you think that this can't be normal party much when? 145 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:58.279 Let's see. So, you know, I played, you know, 146 00:09:58.679 --> 00:10:03.200 soccer good bit when I was young and you know, my dad coached all 147 00:10:03.240 --> 00:10:07.799 my teams and you know, so parts of that were good. And then 148 00:10:07.879 --> 00:10:13.279 he would start talking about things that happen when I was like eight or nine 149 00:10:13.320 --> 00:10:16.120 and I wasn't much older than that, maybe thirteen to fourteen, and I 150 00:10:16.159 --> 00:10:22.039 just flat out had no memory of that stuff. So that's weird. How 151 00:10:22.120 --> 00:10:26.799 we do that. Yeah, it's like, you know, I mean in 152 00:10:26.279 --> 00:10:31.159 I guess your brain like protect you when that a so, yeah, if 153 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:35.519 they're you know, if there was some pretty horrible trauma, which obviously there's 154 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:39.360 something there, you know, kind of shuts it out and, yeah, 155 00:10:39.480 --> 00:10:43.120 or even embarrassing things I remember, like even like as an adult now, 156 00:10:43.159 --> 00:10:46.879 I remember something that happened into how third or fourth grade, and I'm like, 157 00:10:48.039 --> 00:10:50.440 Oh wow, that's why I'm the way I am now and I never 158 00:10:50.559 --> 00:10:56.039 even thought about it until now. You know, fifty years light or some 159 00:10:56.120 --> 00:11:00.840 shit. I'm like, wow, that's why it's it's it's pretty. I 160 00:11:00.840 --> 00:11:03.159 mean, I hate to keep, you know, to throw a rather word 161 00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:07.799 crazy, but it is crazy. Get like a diagnosis in your middle de 162 00:11:07.879 --> 00:11:13.759 Lte s and then you have to go back and try to kind of reconcile 163 00:11:13.799 --> 00:11:18.360 see if match higher life. Yeah, and it's just like man, this 164 00:11:18.480 --> 00:11:24.720 is like absolutely dreadful. I'm not sure if it's if it's worse beed like 165 00:11:24.919 --> 00:11:33.039 undiagnosed bipolar with like a bud light coping mechanism, or being diagnosed and, 166 00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:39.480 you know, or not being diagnosed right like, because I always wonder about 167 00:11:39.519 --> 00:11:43.559 that, because I go, I'm off and on. Even like twenty years 168 00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:46.840 later after I've been diagnosed, I'm like, well, maybe they were wrong, 169 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:52.759 maybe it was something else. And then a couple days later I'll have 170 00:11:52.840 --> 00:11:56.120 an issue or an episode and of a couple weeks after that I'll black out 171 00:11:56.200 --> 00:12:01.320 on the episode that I had and I'm like, Oh yeah, and so 172 00:12:01.799 --> 00:12:05.080 it's a constant cycle. Like I think I'm cool, I think I'm over 173 00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:07.399 it, I'm like I think I'm older and I'm healing, and then I 174 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:11.279 look back the shit that just happened six months ago or a year ago or 175 00:12:11.320 --> 00:12:15.120 like Oh man, that's as intense as any of my crazier episodes as a 176 00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:20.879 kid. Yes, it's, man, there's there's just so much to it, 177 00:12:20.960 --> 00:12:26.240 and I almost, you know, I kind of get how, you 178 00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:30.320 know people without it, you know, if they, you know, see 179 00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:35.559 us or here about us or like like however gets to you know. It's 180 00:12:35.639 --> 00:12:41.000 just like I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this and manage it. 181 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:45.320 So if you find out that, you know, I've a brain disorder, 182 00:12:45.399 --> 00:12:48.320 I am bipolar, I have it. I don't care how it's phrase. 183 00:12:48.519 --> 00:12:52.519 And Yeah, you know, it's just like if I'm figured out, 184 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:58.440 like how the heck do they have a chance of like even remotely knowing outside 185 00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:03.200 of what they've seen in pop culture and movies? You know, just like 186 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:05.320 right, you know, this guy can like lose his crap here. If 187 00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:09.600 they're even willing to try sex. And Yeah, and a lot of times 188 00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:11.639 they're not even willing to try. They're like, Nope, that guy's just 189 00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:16.600 next yeah, he's he's just too crazy, he's out of control, right 190 00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:20.480 Dickhead. Yeah, you know, stuff like that, and that's not a 191 00:13:20.519 --> 00:13:22.840 lie. I mean now, all that is true too. Yeah, but 192 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:26.279 I could only imagine the angel that would come out of the the ether to 193 00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:31.320 actually stick around long enough to, you know, deal with me, because 194 00:13:31.480 --> 00:13:33.720 I can't even deal with me. So I don't understand how. Yeah, 195 00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:39.080 I'm basically I guess I just understand why I'm alone at this hate I have 196 00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:46.360 too bad. It's you know, at some point, I think it's weird 197 00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:50.440 to kind of get used to being alone and not having a huge friend list. 198 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:56.919 And Yeah, I mean that part just lends itself like kind of to 199 00:13:56.039 --> 00:14:01.600 the weirdness. But at the same point, like you know, we're pretty 200 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:05.399 good humans with really good hearts and well, yeah, we keep trying, 201 00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:07.840 we have great we're going to keep persistingly when we're not going to like just 202 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:11.840 curl up like a dead leaf in the in the gutter and blow away. 203 00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:16.000 Now, if we're you know, you know the ones that are you know 204 00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:22.279 here and fighting. I mean it's just now it just seems like it's a 205 00:14:22.360 --> 00:14:26.120 pretty much a constant battle just to stay in the game and and try to 206 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:31.559 function because, yeah, managing it it's already a full time job. Seriously, 207 00:14:31.639 --> 00:14:33.480 man like putting on a normal suit every day in the morning to go 208 00:14:33.480 --> 00:14:37.879 out into the world and try to pretend like hey, look at this normal 209 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:39.360 suit. Fit's pretty good, Huh, and then at some point the day 210 00:14:39.399 --> 00:14:43.320 you like no, doesn't really fit at all. I better go home and 211 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:48.120 hide because I'm about to lose it. Yeah, like, I don't know, 212 00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:52.039 I've always, you know, like you get in the group's Attgg and 213 00:14:52.559 --> 00:14:56.159 I forget what movie it was, it had to be something into s when 214 00:14:56.200 --> 00:15:00.440 I was grow growing up, that they just screamed like in the a mile 215 00:15:00.519 --> 00:15:03.639 of the class. And you know I've had, you know, you have 216 00:15:03.720 --> 00:15:05.960 that where I've had that weird rd work. You're like on a play and 217 00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:11.039 you want to jump out of your damn skin and you just feel like I'm 218 00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:16.840 literally gonna Scream and I have no idea what the rest of this group is 219 00:15:16.840 --> 00:15:20.120 gonna it's basically got to do here. Yeah, or sometimes you don't even 220 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:24.600 think about the thought that people would even react to what you're about to do, 221 00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:26.639 because it's just doesn't even come to mind. That, or just having 222 00:15:26.639 --> 00:15:31.879 a conversation. or I'll get excited about something at stand in line at Walmart 223 00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:33.279 and all of a sudden I'll talk to the clerk when it's my turn to 224 00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:37.600 talk to the clerk and realize I'm about fifty percent louder and twenty percent faster 225 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:41.080 than everybody in that blind hey, how you know it? I'll can see 226 00:15:41.080 --> 00:15:43.320 I'm at all all of them like, Oh shit, I'm like God, 227 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:48.200 sometimes I apologize, I'm a sorry. Have Control of my volume there. 228 00:15:48.360 --> 00:15:52.240 Yeah, that I mean. And and you manage from great. Great. 229 00:15:52.279 --> 00:15:58.360 There is is the speed of which, you know, the brain. Yeah, 230 00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:00.480 you know, that was our brains work. It's I mean, it's 231 00:16:00.519 --> 00:16:06.720 not a level that sometimes it's like absolutely ridiculous to try to deal with. 232 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:11.639 Yeah, especially after diagnosis, when, like, you know you're doing it, 233 00:16:11.759 --> 00:16:18.720 compared to before, where you know you I probably did it how many 234 00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:22.240 times and had no idea how I was ramped up in that manner. But 235 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:25.039 yeah, now I just felt offended all the time when I was younger, 236 00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:26.960 because I was always full of energy and excited and want to talk and interrupt 237 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:30.879 and never, never, and I didn't think my point it was more important 238 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:33.559 or anything else. I just couldn't contain myself and then I would be shut 239 00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:37.639 down and I thought it people were against me, like my personality, when 240 00:16:37.720 --> 00:16:45.919 it was really my emotional disorder they were having a problem with. Yes, 241 00:16:45.039 --> 00:16:49.399 I made it's you know, I think it's just a lot of the same 242 00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:56.039 for definitely for us too. And I actually had or developed a pretty, 243 00:16:56.120 --> 00:17:02.120 pretty horrible statter when I was about for and at this point I'm not so 244 00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:07.480 sure if it was the bipolar already sneaking out, because I can trace it 245 00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:10.880 back to sure when I was ten, eleven, twelve years old. Yeah, 246 00:17:10.880 --> 00:17:14.519 like I you know stopped, you know, when I could start to 247 00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:19.599 read remember my life, but just a sped up process. And you know 248 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:25.079 I mean for me, it took from four years old to like almost my 249 00:17:25.160 --> 00:17:32.240 middle s to be able to, you know, just communicate effectively without you 250 00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:36.880 know, which it still rids. It's likely had from time to time. 251 00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:40.839 But like the you get stuck on the word the. Yeah, yeah, 252 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:45.519 you say that like six times and you're like how can I not say the 253 00:17:45.599 --> 00:17:49.839 seriously? So, yeah, last week I was editing a podcast with Alex 254 00:17:49.880 --> 00:17:56.480 Hobby and I caught myself one point just libit, stammering, like like I 255 00:17:56.480 --> 00:18:00.680 had like I had stammer, like I had a stammer it disorder and like 256 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:03.240 Whoa am I developing a stammered sort? I'm like, what was that? 257 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:07.839 Nervous? What was going on there? Weird. It's funny you say that, 258 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:14.640 because I you know, like we think about us, yeah, more 259 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:19.000 than anybody else does. And I literally just listened to that show in the 260 00:18:19.079 --> 00:18:23.599 last I don't know, a couple of hours and I didn't even notice it. 261 00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:26.160 Oh, because I added it out, like it's okay, okay. 262 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:30.880 It was so bad. I like it was like a sentence and a half 263 00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:34.119 of me just just stammering and like get it together, man, I just 264 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:37.440 snip, snip, snip. It was gone. Yeah, the benefit of 265 00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:42.279 not actually live streaming is, yeah, are we record live, quote unquote 266 00:18:42.279 --> 00:18:45.519 live, and I just I just because I don't want us to sound stupid 267 00:18:45.640 --> 00:18:52.079 or say anything that's super egregiously false. Just accidentally and occasionally do. So 268 00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:57.160 I just cut those parts out. Thank you for that, because I was 269 00:18:57.240 --> 00:19:04.119 already planning on saying at least something stupid, offensive or or over the top, 270 00:19:04.119 --> 00:19:08.440 which you know, I'm not sure. I have a tendency to overshare, 271 00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:15.039 especially pre diagnosis, and usually always gets me in try some point. 272 00:19:15.079 --> 00:19:18.640 I can't. Yeah, I still do. I can't not, I don't, 273 00:19:18.680 --> 00:19:22.960 and I'm will conscious of it. I'm not actually conscious of at the 274 00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:26.559 moment. I'm doing it more like a sneeze, you know, you sneeze, 275 00:19:26.599 --> 00:19:27.359 and once you sneeze, do you like, Oh, yeah, just 276 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:30.839 knee and I know that about it. oversharing, like Yep, but just 277 00:19:30.839 --> 00:19:36.359 shared way too much, and then I kind of scamper off and be embarrassed 278 00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:40.799 about it. Is it? that a horrible feeling, because I know it 279 00:19:41.079 --> 00:19:45.839 and and it usually hits me, you know, like the next day it's 280 00:19:45.960 --> 00:19:51.519 like it's like you wake up and you're like, Holy Crap, what the 281 00:19:51.559 --> 00:19:56.000 hell, what the hell was I saying yesterday? And and why? And 282 00:19:56.039 --> 00:20:00.640 then you know and then you like, once again, I try to reconcile 283 00:20:00.839 --> 00:20:03.640 that and move on, and then you do it again the next day and 284 00:20:03.640 --> 00:20:06.119 you're like, you know, yeah, not at the tape place. You're 285 00:20:06.160 --> 00:20:08.880 like maybe I just shouldn't talk at this point. Seriously, and I overshare 286 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:12.920 about the dumb things right, not even I just talked too much. Maybe 287 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:17.519 that's it. Like it work. I digress into things that are not work 288 00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:22.279 related on the on the regular, on the raising basis, and they're always 289 00:20:22.279 --> 00:20:25.440 super weird, bizarre things. Everyone at work thinks I'm a pretty much a 290 00:20:25.480 --> 00:20:30.759 Weirdo, but they like me a lot because I keep them entertained. Well, 291 00:20:30.079 --> 00:20:33.960 that should do, or I wouldn't be listening. Yeah, yeah, 292 00:20:33.960 --> 00:20:36.880 I'll take it. Am like I I'll just keep paying me and I'll stick 293 00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:41.359 around. When you got diagnosed for Real, like officially. Did that help 294 00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:45.160 you or hinder you, or has it kind of flip flopped back and forth? 295 00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:56.920 I would say it absolutely helped. I finally felt validated for everything that 296 00:20:56.000 --> 00:21:00.279 I had thought for I don't know, D have your thirty years that like 297 00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:07.839 I have a thinking problem and that you know, that turned into a thinking 298 00:21:07.920 --> 00:21:15.680 and drinking thing and and you know, you just do that and hang on 299 00:21:15.799 --> 00:21:19.480 until you hope somebody figures it out, and maybe that's where some of the 300 00:21:19.559 --> 00:21:23.880 oversharing comes in. It's got you just want somebody to figure it out, 301 00:21:23.880 --> 00:21:27.200 like yeah, help, we point the way. Yeah, because you know, 302 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:34.240 I'm not sure how many doctors or or therapist or friends or whichever, 303 00:21:34.279 --> 00:21:40.359 to actually get a diagnosis for for you. But you know, I had 304 00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:45.839 had saw somebody in my early s and the guy ended with, if you 305 00:21:45.960 --> 00:21:48.839 continue to think this way, you're going to kill yourself. Oh yes, 306 00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:53.319 and that's the end of our session. And there wasn't like any you know, 307 00:21:53.759 --> 00:21:57.079 like here man like just breathe in for three seconds, hold it and 308 00:21:57.119 --> 00:22:00.720 breathe out for three and that might help you when you have these, you 309 00:22:00.759 --> 00:22:04.920 know, obsessive negative thoughts. You know, he didn't even give me one 310 00:22:06.039 --> 00:22:10.400 damn thing to like have a coping skill, like he's one coping skill. 311 00:22:10.559 --> 00:22:15.319 He gave me nothing, like GRANDPA advice. It was worse than that, 312 00:22:15.400 --> 00:22:21.039 because he's got this big office and all these books and you know he's got 313 00:22:21.039 --> 00:22:23.160 a couch there. So you know from the movies. I see you don't 314 00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:26.160 like dude. I get in there, like am I supposed to lay it 315 00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:30.400 on the couch? was like one of those things. It's like I don't 316 00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:34.000 even know what to do, so awkwards, like it's weird. It's like 317 00:22:34.039 --> 00:22:37.640 you can go where you want. Well, can I lay on the couch? 318 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:41.200 Sure, I'm like fuck yeah, that's what I'm paying for when lay 319 00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:45.319 on that couch. Yeah, that what at that's what I did. I 320 00:22:45.480 --> 00:22:48.000 played on the count. I want the experience. Geez, like, you 321 00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:52.720 know, like Bob Wilty, and what about Bob there? Yeah, you're 322 00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:56.440 just like, I don't know, crazy stuff, man. Yeah, the 323 00:22:56.519 --> 00:23:02.519 label thing is really it really trips me out because when I first heard it, 324 00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:04.440 you know what I think. Okay, so when I was in my 325 00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:10.440 late teens, early s boy, I could drink a lot right, and 326 00:23:10.519 --> 00:23:12.640 I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic, but I could out drink 327 00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:18.599 alcoholics and I started to worry about it and then I hung out with I 328 00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:22.200 went to like an AA meetium once I'm like Nah, this vibe doesn't fit 329 00:23:22.279 --> 00:23:25.880 right, like I don't feel or think like these people. And then, 330 00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:30.359 you know, several months later whatever, I got diagnosed and I'm like Ah, 331 00:23:30.400 --> 00:23:33.839 fuck, that's it. I was just drinking the tamper down that mania 332 00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:37.680 and when I knew that that was it, I stopped drinking. I wasn't 333 00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:40.839 even an issue. I didn't even have a problem stop drinking. I'm like, 334 00:23:40.839 --> 00:23:42.039 Oh, is this a feeling? Oh, Yep, I want to 335 00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:47.599 drink because I'm hyper, because that's that Goddamn mania, and that's when I 336 00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:52.240 just stopped, like nope'll find something else. So yeah, in that sense 337 00:23:52.319 --> 00:23:55.799 having a label did help me there, but later on in life I started 338 00:23:55.839 --> 00:24:00.880 waving the flag around like I have Bible or whoo and am no, that 339 00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:03.119 wasn't too cool. That's like, to your point, over sharing or just 340 00:24:03.160 --> 00:24:07.480 telling too many people are being proud of something that maybe I shouldn't be so 341 00:24:07.559 --> 00:24:10.319 proud of. I'm not ashamed of it. I can't really control it, 342 00:24:10.359 --> 00:24:17.880 but I'm not sure I be so proud of having bipolar disorder sometimes. Yeah, 343 00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:22.960 that's one of those, you know. I just it's just not very 344 00:24:22.000 --> 00:24:27.079 accepted, and by very I mean it's just not accepted at all, almost 345 00:24:27.160 --> 00:24:33.279 whatsoever. Oh my God. You know, as far as what she said 346 00:24:33.319 --> 00:24:37.640 about the drinking, I did the same damn thing. It literally like once 347 00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:42.000 I got diagnosed, I went from drinking every day and I don't think it 348 00:24:42.039 --> 00:24:45.720 matters how much. If you drink every day, you probably have a problem. 349 00:24:45.720 --> 00:24:48.079 Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, let's say if you drink over six beers 350 00:24:48.119 --> 00:24:52.960 a day, you probably have a problem. Maybe right. Well, in 351 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:56.480 our case, yeah, we got we were drinking more than I would normal 352 00:24:56.519 --> 00:24:59.559 person would drink, for sure, but I wasn't like me. I don't 353 00:24:59.559 --> 00:25:03.759 feel like a alcoholic. Yeah, but apparently we were just trying to he's 354 00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:10.240 wash, he's that pain, he's that speed squash, the hypo mania. 355 00:25:10.599 --> 00:25:15.240 And seriously, you know, I mean I don't know how I did it 356 00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:18.519 for thirty years. HMM. Yeah, well, well, I guess. 357 00:25:18.720 --> 00:25:22.119 Fortunately we were young and bodies heal fast, you know, so we lived 358 00:25:22.119 --> 00:25:25.759 through it and figured it out in time. But can you imagine all the 359 00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:27.640 people never quite figure out, they never go to a strength to figure out 360 00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:32.359 if they have any kind of disorder and just drink themselves into death by the 361 00:25:32.359 --> 00:25:37.880 time they're our age? Yeah, I mean, I'm ANA lie there. 362 00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:45.240 There's absolutely times where, sure, I was over the limit of what they 363 00:25:45.240 --> 00:25:48.519 would call. You're still alive, she's right, you know, you're still 364 00:25:48.559 --> 00:25:53.039 breathing. Ah, and I don't know what you want to call it. 365 00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:57.000 Guardian Angels, Higher Power, yeah, whatever, Yep, bact is, 366 00:25:57.039 --> 00:26:00.680 it's I'm still here and you know, you know, I got up, 367 00:26:00.920 --> 00:26:04.440 got a story that you know, at some point needed to needed to get 368 00:26:04.480 --> 00:26:11.400 out, and you know you were you were my first. I think of 369 00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:14.799 it like this sometimes, because I because like you, I'm I don't know. 370 00:26:14.839 --> 00:26:15.960 Do you move a lot? I move a lot, and one of 371 00:26:17.039 --> 00:26:18.319 the fund of things I like to do is when I move in the south. 372 00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:22.839 When I was in Louisiana, was crossover to the wrong side of the 373 00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:25.960 tracks, as they called it, the locals called it. Well, apparently 374 00:26:26.000 --> 00:26:29.200 just where the black people live. But I went to Black Church and when 375 00:26:29.200 --> 00:26:33.680 you go to Black Church there's they're always like, is anybody want to speak 376 00:26:33.720 --> 00:26:37.000 to? Have any new visitors? And I always think of guests I have 377 00:26:37.079 --> 00:26:40.720 on this show, especially if they've never spoken about their bipolar disorder, as 378 00:26:40.799 --> 00:26:42.519 like those guys that, like me, like stand up in church and like 379 00:26:42.599 --> 00:26:47.440 Oh, brother John, welcome brother John, like finally, like not not 380 00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:51.480 coming out in this sense, leg hey, I'm just I'm I found out 381 00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:55.039 I'm gay, nothing like that. Or I found out I'm religious. None 382 00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:59.480 of those. But it kind of has a similar vibe with people with bipolar 383 00:26:59.519 --> 00:27:03.279 disorder finally claiming their voice and speaking out publicly. It's like fuck yeah, 384 00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:08.519 I acknowledge it, I have it and I'm still a normal person right, 385 00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:14.240 or at least I think I'm a normal person. I'm not sure what the 386 00:27:14.279 --> 00:27:18.039 rest world thinks, but at this point, like a man. You know. 387 00:27:18.680 --> 00:27:19.839 Well, yeah, we could do normal stuff, right, you do 388 00:27:19.880 --> 00:27:25.839 normal stuff. Yeah, so like what? Yeah, like, you go, 389 00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:29.599 you get up and go to work, you take care of your kids, 390 00:27:29.640 --> 00:27:32.759 you got you know, I'm sure you do stuff on the weekend like 391 00:27:32.759 --> 00:27:34.559 normal person at probably have a hobby or two. And I'm like, well, 392 00:27:34.599 --> 00:27:37.720 that's what else do people expect of us? Like we're not only doing 393 00:27:37.920 --> 00:27:41.599 normal stuff that they do, but we're doing it under the, you know, 394 00:27:41.640 --> 00:27:45.599 the dark cloud of a mental disorder that's omnipresent. It's always there, 395 00:27:45.640 --> 00:27:51.839 it's always fucking with our thoughts, telling us where horrible, miserable people, 396 00:27:51.960 --> 00:27:53.880 telling us we saw. I mean there's so many like negative thoughts to go 397 00:27:53.920 --> 00:28:00.160 on, and I'm ruminating mind and to be able to still function under all 398 00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:03.079 that dress, I don't know. I'm not saying we need a fucking award 399 00:28:03.119 --> 00:28:07.519 for it or something, but Jesus like back off a little bit people. 400 00:28:07.119 --> 00:28:11.119 You know, it would be nice if the reservoirs for it, because we 401 00:28:11.119 --> 00:28:14.559 would be like at the top of the foodchain there. It feels like sometimes 402 00:28:14.559 --> 00:28:19.519 in social media it's a contest with the the quote unquote social media, what 403 00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:25.319 you call them, like mental health advocates or activist. Some of them seem 404 00:28:25.400 --> 00:28:30.279 to frame themselves like their mental disorders more important or more valid than others, 405 00:28:30.559 --> 00:28:33.240 and I'm like, yeah, I don't think so, though. I think 406 00:28:33.240 --> 00:28:36.240 we're all fucked just the same, because it's all a matter of perspective. 407 00:28:36.359 --> 00:28:42.400 Right, absolutely, and I mean if you have it and the diagnosis is, 408 00:28:42.480 --> 00:28:48.039 you know, hundred percent on, you got to fight the same shit 409 00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:52.119 that we do. Yeah, yeah, and if you want to, you 410 00:28:52.200 --> 00:28:56.119 know, kind of jump on a high horse and think your problem. Sure, 411 00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:59.480 you know, are more important than you know, than the rest of 412 00:28:59.559 --> 00:29:03.480 US folks. Yeah, it's not a way to solve the problems, that's 413 00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:07.839 for sure. Maybe you're not helping us much at that point. Maybe note 414 00:29:07.920 --> 00:29:11.720 of what what, Hey, did you when you got diagnosed? Did they 415 00:29:11.720 --> 00:29:17.759 start you off on medication? Yes, so that, I mean, that 416 00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:22.920 was huge. And Man, there's a there's always there's a whole lot of 417 00:29:23.240 --> 00:29:30.559 very odd, crazy behavior that like came that k before diagnosis finally got here. 418 00:29:30.599 --> 00:29:33.039 Like what, what did you do? What some of the crazier things 419 00:29:33.079 --> 00:29:41.079 you've done before you got diagnosed? Oh Man, let's see that. I'm 420 00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:48.559 trying to like spend this and like a fair sense to like all that, 421 00:29:48.920 --> 00:29:52.000 all the parties that were involved in this. Of course, of course, 422 00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:56.519 and chaos, he said, just not like friends are families. Don't listen 423 00:29:56.559 --> 00:29:59.680 to friends or families podcast. So the only people who are going to hear 424 00:29:59.759 --> 00:30:03.079 this other Weirdos like us who found a weird podcast. So it's a it's 425 00:30:03.079 --> 00:30:06.720 all good, you don't have to like, you know, just don't name 426 00:30:06.839 --> 00:30:11.160 names, all right. So let's just say so, I'm going to put 427 00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:17.279 it this way once again. I sought out a therapist, you know, 428 00:30:17.519 --> 00:30:22.359 telling her that hey, look, there is there is something wrong wrong with 429 00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:27.799 my braid, and this is a therapist that I spoke to like ten years 430 00:30:27.799 --> 00:30:32.759 earlier. You know, wow, okay, went to the church, which 431 00:30:32.759 --> 00:30:36.039 I stopped going to church along a long time ago. Raised Catholic, an 432 00:30:36.119 --> 00:30:40.920 artiboy and all that crazy stuff. So, you know, once I left 433 00:30:40.960 --> 00:30:44.240 home, I never, you know, I never went back, which I 434 00:30:44.279 --> 00:30:48.319 just feel not bad about at all. What the Catholic guilt? Yes, 435 00:30:48.519 --> 00:30:51.319 it's Commons gone this. I did the same thing with the Baptist it. 436 00:30:51.400 --> 00:30:52.480 I mean, I have no offense. I'll still go back to church, 437 00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:56.119 like on the holidays with my parents, because, you know, that's what 438 00:30:56.160 --> 00:31:00.960 you do, but it's just not my cup right now, mind either. 439 00:31:00.200 --> 00:31:07.079 So so get through a couple sessions with her and she's just like adamant. 440 00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:11.000 She's like look, if you think you're crazy, you're not. You know 441 00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:15.000 you, you know you're raising your son, you know your work and in 442 00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:18.519 a family business, this that, and you know, I'm sure she she's 443 00:31:18.519 --> 00:31:23.880 had all all great intentions and so, you know, I kind of, 444 00:31:25.079 --> 00:31:29.519 you know, did did my two to three weeks of therapy there and I 445 00:31:29.559 --> 00:31:32.960 was, you know, absolutely, there's there's no issues going on here. 446 00:31:33.039 --> 00:31:41.359 So like a week later I end up, that's a reconnecting with somebody from 447 00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:45.119 a pretty long time ago and kept in touch throughout let's say twenty and twenty 448 00:31:45.400 --> 00:31:48.960 years or so. Wow, like a high school friend or just a friend 449 00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:55.079 from work through those times or something. Yeah, well, it it was 450 00:31:55.759 --> 00:31:59.519 let's say somebody I may dated for like a very okay, now, that's 451 00:31:59.599 --> 00:32:02.079 nice that you're able to like maintain relationships with an X. that's cool. 452 00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:06.279 That's hard to do. I mean I think she may. I think she 453 00:32:06.359 --> 00:32:09.799 was the only one. So not a surprise. Yeah, you know, 454 00:32:09.920 --> 00:32:16.640 that contact was still there. So and up going from one part of the 455 00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:22.400 state to another part where she lived about seven hour, five to seven hour 456 00:32:22.559 --> 00:32:27.519 drive. Well, okay, cool, that's quite a move. Just yeah, 457 00:32:27.559 --> 00:32:30.559 well, to date somebody. Yeah, that that's far away, or 458 00:32:30.599 --> 00:32:35.279 to reconnect, or whatever you want to call it. Yeah, so that 459 00:32:35.319 --> 00:32:40.160 happened for like a month and then ended off, run it off to Vegas 460 00:32:40.200 --> 00:32:45.839 and and, you know, getting getting hitch. Yeah, right, who? 461 00:32:46.680 --> 00:32:52.279 And and you know, I'm sure there was, you know, lots 462 00:32:52.279 --> 00:32:57.400 of eyebrows and heads heads turning as as people probably got news or what did 463 00:32:57.400 --> 00:33:01.200 this going? This is this, this may not end well. And and 464 00:33:01.400 --> 00:33:07.559 it did not end well. You know, there there wasn't domestic violence or 465 00:33:07.599 --> 00:33:10.000 anything like that. I was just just, you know, there there was 466 00:33:10.119 --> 00:33:15.240 money there and then there was no longer money there, and that's stressful. 467 00:33:15.319 --> 00:33:17.759 Yeah, yeah, and then there was, you know, there was some 468 00:33:17.799 --> 00:33:23.880 other family members involved. And so, anyway, within a couple months, 469 00:33:23.920 --> 00:33:28.880 you know, there there was you know, a lot of a lot of 470 00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:32.799 money burned through, a lot of unnecessary thing. Yeah, just living a 471 00:33:32.839 --> 00:33:37.759 wildlife for a while. Not Illegal, not like you know, bunny and 472 00:33:37.799 --> 00:33:40.759 Clyde or anything, but just like probably both of your families are going like 473 00:33:40.799 --> 00:33:45.240 what the hell are these people doing. What are they? Yeah, and 474 00:33:45.400 --> 00:33:49.000 that if they would have had any idea that. Like you're eating at a 475 00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:52.680 restaurant, I like the airport and tipping hundred dollar bills and it's just like, 476 00:33:53.680 --> 00:33:58.079 I don't care if you're worth whatever. Say you're worth five million. 477 00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:01.519 Are you leaving hundred dollar bills at Oh yeah, me, for sure, 478 00:34:01.559 --> 00:34:06.160 I have, because I'm bipolar. I just yeah, give all the money 479 00:34:06.160 --> 00:34:08.320 away, it's going stale. Get rid of that Shit. More will come. 480 00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:14.159 Don't worry. It's absolutely you know, I think that's one of the 481 00:34:14.159 --> 00:34:20.880 things that maybe, quote, normal people have maybe the hardest time, or 482 00:34:20.920 --> 00:34:24.159 at least my family and some folks that know just the hardest time, trying 483 00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:28.239 to wrap their heads around like how did you piss all your money away? 484 00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:30.760 How did you match your credit cards out two days? Yeah, and it's 485 00:34:30.840 --> 00:34:36.559 like like, you don't it's like they've never even tried. It's pretty easy. 486 00:34:37.079 --> 00:34:40.199 It's really easy to Piss away a lot of money in a very short 487 00:34:40.239 --> 00:34:45.400 amount of time. See, and I've done it on several occasions. So 488 00:34:45.840 --> 00:34:47.800 you know, it's not like you get am you know, it's not like 489 00:34:47.800 --> 00:34:52.119 you get a diagnosis and you're like, Oh, I got this all, 490 00:34:52.159 --> 00:34:54.800 figure it out right, because there's no handbook like Oh, okay, you 491 00:34:54.840 --> 00:35:00.239 have bipolar disorder. By here's the handbook and you note the first thing don't 492 00:35:00.320 --> 00:35:04.639 spend any money ever again. Because, man, the moment you start space 493 00:35:04.719 --> 00:35:07.599 like Oh, that feels good. Yeah, it's nice, spend that money. 494 00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:10.599 Get rid of it. Yeah, it's those you know, those dopea 495 00:35:10.639 --> 00:35:15.199 mean hits that's like yeah, yeah, feel good, feel, feel great, 496 00:35:15.400 --> 00:35:21.239 feel wonderful bed, and then one day you like wake up and and 497 00:35:21.400 --> 00:35:24.760 it's like, I don't know whatever feel like to really like hurt somebody. 498 00:35:24.840 --> 00:35:29.800 And you know when some odd sense car accident or something, because said, 499 00:35:29.840 --> 00:35:32.039 I don't think I would do well on the afterbath of that. But you 500 00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:37.280 know, you wake up in this like catastrophic event just happened and and you 501 00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:40.920 don't even like you can't figure out how the hell that happened and how you're 502 00:35:40.920 --> 00:35:45.079 going to stop it the next time. Yeah, yeah, whatever. When 503 00:35:45.079 --> 00:35:46.639 my kids were younger, I don't I doubt they remember this. They don't 504 00:35:46.639 --> 00:35:50.480 really remember any good things from when they were younger that I've told them. 505 00:35:50.480 --> 00:35:53.199 They remember all the bad things. But when they were younger I used to 506 00:35:53.199 --> 00:35:58.360 try to explain by polar disorder like an allergy, like it like a sneeze, 507 00:35:58.400 --> 00:36:00.320 and that you know you can't. You can't. You don't know when 508 00:36:00.320 --> 00:36:04.840 you're about to sneeze, it just happens and then you know after you sneeze 509 00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:07.800 that you sneezed, and if you sneezed on somebody, you would certainly know 510 00:36:07.880 --> 00:36:12.800 that you sneezed on somebody and you would apologize. And but you can't help 511 00:36:12.880 --> 00:36:15.760 that you have allergies. And that's kind of how I have explained by polar 512 00:36:15.800 --> 00:36:22.039 disorder to people that just don't understand the mental like the rapid onset of it 513 00:36:22.119 --> 00:36:25.760 and the fact that the moment that it's happening we don't were. It's not 514 00:36:25.800 --> 00:36:30.760 like we're out of control. It just like there's nothing to control. We're 515 00:36:30.800 --> 00:36:35.880 just thinking way differently at that moment, because when people think out of control 516 00:36:35.920 --> 00:36:38.239 they imagine like a madman bouncing around a rubber room. It's not like that. 517 00:36:38.239 --> 00:36:42.840 We're still standing still, but our thought process is lost control for a 518 00:36:42.880 --> 00:36:47.559 second. Absolutely and you know, I happen to catch a period of just 519 00:36:47.679 --> 00:36:52.559 straight media, you know, which for three months. I mean that might 520 00:36:52.559 --> 00:36:55.719 have been the threat. First three months in my entire life that I didn't 521 00:36:55.719 --> 00:37:00.480 feel crazy, you know, like like there was, there is nothing wrong 522 00:37:00.480 --> 00:37:04.440 in my world, like everything was good, like, you know, all 523 00:37:04.480 --> 00:37:07.639 the Times that I, you know, knew there was something wrong in my 524 00:37:07.960 --> 00:37:10.159 with, you know, with the way I thought, all that was gone. 525 00:37:10.159 --> 00:37:15.480 It just completely wiped out and everything just made sense and it was like 526 00:37:15.559 --> 00:37:20.400 almost like you just broke on through and got to the other side. You 527 00:37:20.400 --> 00:37:22.920 know. It was kind of a worse egg, you know, and you're 528 00:37:22.199 --> 00:37:25.480 so clear now. Yeah, I think. You know, I mentioned that 529 00:37:25.559 --> 00:37:30.400 to like one person and I'm like Hey, bad, I'm made it to 530 00:37:30.480 --> 00:37:32.960 the other side. And and then even in a man it, you know, 531 00:37:34.199 --> 00:37:37.199 even in a manic episode, like after I said that, and it 532 00:37:37.320 --> 00:37:42.559 was a close friend. So was it a huge deal. But even after 533 00:37:42.599 --> 00:37:45.960 I said I was like, Damn, that's that's pretty jacked up to say 534 00:37:46.039 --> 00:37:51.079 to somebody when you're like in your late S, you know. Yeah, 535 00:37:51.400 --> 00:37:55.480 you know, you found your way to like happiness and and all this, 536 00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:59.920 you know, all that grandacity, that kind of will. Yeah, I 537 00:37:59.960 --> 00:38:01.840 found it, but that'st off. Yeah, it's like, you know, 538 00:38:01.920 --> 00:38:05.119 it's like playing golf, and I don't know if you're a golf or not, 539 00:38:05.559 --> 00:38:07.760 but it's like, you know you're a crappy Golfer, but every crappy 540 00:38:07.800 --> 00:38:13.519 Golfer probably has that one day where they shoot like ten shots, fifteen shots 541 00:38:13.559 --> 00:38:20.199 better than they ever had and then they play again and the balls going left, 542 00:38:20.360 --> 00:38:22.039 right. Oh, you know, that's a SOT side way. Yeah, 543 00:38:22.119 --> 00:38:25.280 you play so good a couple times and then it screws up your handicap 544 00:38:25.280 --> 00:38:29.840 and then you go back to playing crappy again. You know, you know, 545 00:38:29.880 --> 00:38:36.519 you go from puring it to top chopped for putting for guys. Yeah, 546 00:38:36.679 --> 00:38:39.000 yeah, I don't know about that. The whole labeling thing. So 547 00:38:39.719 --> 00:38:44.320 after you were diagnosed and you started taking men's what they give you first, 548 00:38:44.360 --> 00:38:46.280 like Sarah Weel, to settle yours down. Yeah, that's what they give 549 00:38:46.280 --> 00:38:50.239 a lot of bipolar people. So if you're new to bipolar and you're listening 550 00:38:50.280 --> 00:38:52.960 to this show, that's super normal because basically they just want you to sleep, 551 00:38:53.039 --> 00:38:57.159 to get back on a sleeping cycle. That's normal. And Sarah Quell, 552 00:38:57.440 --> 00:39:00.199 my first doctor, said, Oh yeah, that's basically run off sort 553 00:39:00.199 --> 00:39:02.119 a stranquilizer, and I'm like Holy Shit, because it feels like it, 554 00:39:02.199 --> 00:39:07.039 especially if you're just been wired out and stressed and man, the first couple 555 00:39:07.079 --> 00:39:08.559 of days are not even the first week. As I will I'm tired as 556 00:39:08.679 --> 00:39:13.519 Shit, man, I'm tired, and you just sleep a lot and finally 557 00:39:14.039 --> 00:39:15.840 adjust it so that you can get up and go do your life and go 558 00:39:15.880 --> 00:39:20.320 to work and all that. But yeah, what else did they give you 559 00:39:20.360 --> 00:39:24.119 after that? I could took mostly Lamichtel after that. Yeah, now we're 560 00:39:25.679 --> 00:39:30.719 kendred spirits here, John. I. I got, I actually got love, 561 00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:34.119 Love, love michnel first, and there's the stutter raising. It's ugly. 562 00:39:34.159 --> 00:39:38.280 Had and then Sarah Quell within like a couple days past that. So 563 00:39:38.719 --> 00:39:44.360 I don't know what they've figured out. And those like three days. But 564 00:39:44.760 --> 00:39:49.239 yeah, I was all both at those to start and yeah, still still 565 00:39:49.280 --> 00:39:52.679 on those and and that's all. Thank goodness, that that I've had to 566 00:39:52.760 --> 00:39:58.679 take the manage just the best as possible. Yeah, that seems like reasonable 567 00:39:58.719 --> 00:40:00.840 medicine. I'm not, I mean I'm not a scientist. I don't really 568 00:40:00.840 --> 00:40:04.360 know what reasonable medicine is, but it always tripped me out a little bit 569 00:40:04.440 --> 00:40:08.760 with the the salts, what the fuck? The lithium right, because that 570 00:40:08.840 --> 00:40:15.960 requires way more attention, and just all the things that bipolar person can't really 571 00:40:15.960 --> 00:40:20.280 do that well. Plus I have adhd. I just can't sort my meds. 572 00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:22.840 I take him at the wrong time. I'd take too much. I'm 573 00:40:22.880 --> 00:40:25.800 like just take more this time. So I couldn't imagine. They said, 574 00:40:25.840 --> 00:40:29.920 Oh yeah, with lithium, got to come to the hospital like every month, 575 00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:31.440 month or six weeks or something like. There's no fucking way, are 576 00:40:31.440 --> 00:40:34.920 you kidding me? and No, I could barely get to the hospital every 577 00:40:35.039 --> 00:40:37.960 six months and they want me to come every six weeks. So I always 578 00:40:38.039 --> 00:40:44.360 avoided the lithium. What else that? I have a big list of meds 579 00:40:44.360 --> 00:40:46.840 because first that they weren't sure and they then wanted to treat my depression, 580 00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:52.320 but they couldn't really give me anything that would activate my mania. So, 581 00:40:52.440 --> 00:40:55.719 yeah, it's always just the minimal stuff. And the thing with the bipolar 582 00:40:55.719 --> 00:41:00.719 meds to that kind of sucked, was that there will have work overnight, 583 00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:04.880 like aspirin on a headache, you just got to keep taking them an eventually, 584 00:41:05.400 --> 00:41:09.440 Huh. Yeah, yeah, I guess I feel better. Yeah, 585 00:41:09.760 --> 00:41:15.480 you know, it takes a while and I think just the initial you know, 586 00:41:15.840 --> 00:41:19.480 you know, I don't know if it's shock or what it is for 587 00:41:20.079 --> 00:41:22.280 folks that happen. But you know, you get you know, you finally 588 00:41:22.320 --> 00:41:29.119 get a diagnosis and you know I made it. I mean it blew me 589 00:41:29.159 --> 00:41:35.039 out because I was looking and, you know, playing doctor on Webmd and 590 00:41:35.159 --> 00:41:38.880 punching end symptoms and thinks of that nature for, you know, for quite 591 00:41:38.920 --> 00:41:44.119 a while before I started to figure out, like this is like this is 592 00:41:44.159 --> 00:41:46.440 one of three things. Yeah, what were the other two that you thought 593 00:41:46.440 --> 00:41:52.000 it might be? I thought it could be borderline personality, which, you 594 00:41:52.039 --> 00:41:57.320 know, there's there's some overlapping there. So I don't think I was completely 595 00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:00.320 wrong. Oh yeah, I think I have that somewhat. I just don't 596 00:42:00.360 --> 00:42:05.039 tell anybody because even doctors stigmatize that yet. So I just thought that's I've 597 00:42:05.400 --> 00:42:08.519 even worst than bibolar. If you tell yeah, if you walk around and 598 00:42:08.599 --> 00:42:15.079 tell somebody you've your your borderline personality, like like yeah, that's what I 599 00:42:15.199 --> 00:42:16.760 have. You know, you might as well have an axe in one hand 600 00:42:16.880 --> 00:42:21.079 and like a gun and the other when you tell them yeah, because Steven 601 00:42:21.159 --> 00:42:23.480 is the claric, because they're running not heard. Doctors and nurses talk shit 602 00:42:23.519 --> 00:42:27.199 about borderline people behind the scenes, you know, on the other side of 603 00:42:27.199 --> 00:42:29.559 the curtain. When I was there for an x ray and stuff like that. 604 00:42:29.880 --> 00:42:32.039 So and I know plenty of people with it and I probably have some 605 00:42:34.039 --> 00:42:36.320 aspects of it as well. That's why I'm like, well, I'm just 606 00:42:36.480 --> 00:42:37.880 not going with that one. I already found out what happened. When people 607 00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:43.039 say you got bipolar disorder, it's not like saying you got depression or anxiety. 608 00:42:43.119 --> 00:42:45.760 That's cool, that's almost trendy nowadays. But once you leak over into 609 00:42:45.760 --> 00:42:51.320 bipolar disorder and psychosis and things like that, people start taking a step back 610 00:42:51.320 --> 00:42:57.320 when you talk with them. Absolutely, and you know, I play some 611 00:42:57.320 --> 00:43:04.400 some other podcasts there here here their jawd and and some of the specialist with 612 00:43:04.519 --> 00:43:07.360 like, you know, the borderline, because I've listened to a few of 613 00:43:07.400 --> 00:43:12.199 those just because one I can out. There's enough crossed over there. Yep, 614 00:43:12.239 --> 00:43:16.960 but that. But they're like doctors don't want to deal with borderline whatsoever. 615 00:43:17.159 --> 00:43:22.280 It's just those people are so difficult to deal with. Yeah, and 616 00:43:22.400 --> 00:43:25.599 you know that's that's really shitty to say, because well, it is. 617 00:43:25.800 --> 00:43:29.400 And I think to your point, I think a lot of it is because 618 00:43:29.480 --> 00:43:32.719 doctors want to treat things that that you can you can either cut out or 619 00:43:32.760 --> 00:43:38.039 give a pill for and with borderline. That's not a doctor's job. Borderline 620 00:43:38.039 --> 00:43:44.000 people just really need lots and lots of therapy to unwind all that toxic shit 621 00:43:44.039 --> 00:43:46.440 that was dumped into their brain when they were young. But yeah, and 622 00:43:46.639 --> 00:43:52.039 who can afford hours and hours of therapy for years on end? That's that's 623 00:43:52.039 --> 00:43:55.679 the really critical thing. So I think maybe that's why doctors, because it's 624 00:43:55.679 --> 00:44:00.719 not as simple. With the as the myth that bipolar disorders a chemical and 625 00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:04.760 balance what people like to say. Doctors, I think, buy into that 626 00:44:04.800 --> 00:44:07.519 as well and think, well, this pill will, whatever they think, 627 00:44:07.559 --> 00:44:13.159 balance the chemicals back is. They still see it as a pill treatable thing, 628 00:44:13.159 --> 00:44:17.920 whereas not borderline. And borderline also falls into a personality disorder with narcissism, 629 00:44:19.000 --> 00:44:22.760 narcissistic personality disorder and other things like that, which nobody likes to deal 630 00:44:22.840 --> 00:44:28.920 with either. Right. I mean I made you start to throw in a 631 00:44:29.000 --> 00:44:32.960 small group of things with like some of the tough ones on top, because 632 00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:37.480 I don't think that you can. Personally, I don't think you could have 633 00:44:37.960 --> 00:44:45.320 bipolar, you know, borderline schizophrenia. I don't think you can have those 634 00:44:45.360 --> 00:44:50.079 without having other things. Right. Yeah, where it's addiction, alcohol, 635 00:44:50.199 --> 00:44:53.800 drugs, Booze, women, you know? Oh Yeah, Dixon's, let's 636 00:44:53.840 --> 00:44:59.079 talk about that. I like women. You mentioned you. I know you. 637 00:44:59.159 --> 00:45:04.440 Do you mention like gambling? Well, is that a thing? Yeah, 638 00:45:04.440 --> 00:45:06.960 am I putting too much emphasis on that? Like it sounds like you 639 00:45:07.039 --> 00:45:08.960 probably don't have a problem with it before. I've never had a really problem 640 00:45:09.000 --> 00:45:13.159 with gambling per se in a casino. I gambled other things in my life. 641 00:45:13.199 --> 00:45:15.480 But tell me about the gambling thing and how did you get into it 642 00:45:15.519 --> 00:45:21.280 and out of it? You know, it's started early. You know I 643 00:45:21.840 --> 00:45:24.920 was at it. I'd go to dog tracks when I was young, you 644 00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:30.320 know what the family member so, or horse tracks, and you know I 645 00:45:30.360 --> 00:45:34.719 was already gambling my you know, gabling some work money when I was I 646 00:45:34.719 --> 00:45:39.400 don't know, thirteen, fourteen, but the fun should like the past time 647 00:45:39.440 --> 00:45:42.960 words you really like need the money. I got to get ahead or like, 648 00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:46.639 what was that I driver heard? I I didn't ever think about it, 649 00:45:46.719 --> 00:45:50.400 like I need the money like I need to buy two pair of shoes. 650 00:45:50.519 --> 00:45:54.000 Yeah, okay, the rat it was always something that like it took 651 00:45:54.119 --> 00:45:58.639 the I don't know, like reading, reading a racing form, whether it 652 00:45:58.719 --> 00:46:04.639 be horses, dogs, Yep, whatever, that like soothed my brain. 653 00:46:04.639 --> 00:46:08.000 Okay, that I was out of my head. Got It. You know 654 00:46:08.079 --> 00:46:14.320 that that that works for a long time, especially if you don't get killed 655 00:46:14.519 --> 00:46:16.280 like you know, you don't write right, you know, you don't blow 656 00:46:16.320 --> 00:46:22.159 your whole bank roll in one day, which you know, being being bipolar, 657 00:46:22.280 --> 00:46:29.119 having it once again, whatever. It's amazing that I didn't back that, 658 00:46:29.480 --> 00:46:32.880 because how could you not, you know, Piss it all away in 659 00:46:32.920 --> 00:46:37.599 one day there and then do it another aspects of life. So isn't that 660 00:46:37.679 --> 00:46:42.039 the thing, right? Like they say you shouldn't be emotional about gambling, 661 00:46:42.039 --> 00:46:46.320 and that's all we are, is emotional. I mean it's you know, 662 00:46:46.360 --> 00:46:51.679 there's certain things. You know, Gambling Wise, I've had had really good 663 00:46:51.719 --> 00:46:57.519 success, like over the course of my life, and it's it's playing craps, 664 00:46:57.519 --> 00:47:02.639 and I've pretty good with, you know, spotting up a couple horses 665 00:47:02.679 --> 00:47:07.280 here and there. That that's own not you know, not winning a ton 666 00:47:07.320 --> 00:47:08.840 of money, and I'm also not losing a tonny money. Yeah, there's 667 00:47:08.840 --> 00:47:12.400 some kind of luck. You don't like a hobby that kind of pays for 668 00:47:12.440 --> 00:47:15.000 itself. You might cost you a little money, but you know, as 669 00:47:15.039 --> 00:47:21.840 hobbies do. Yeah, I mean if you come around even you know, 670 00:47:21.960 --> 00:47:24.400 that's you know, that's a lot of days that, you know, out 671 00:47:24.400 --> 00:47:29.800 of my head. Don't have the negative of Sesse of thoughts and you know 672 00:47:29.880 --> 00:47:31.400 those are yeah, I think that's reasonable. I didn't want to put too 673 00:47:31.519 --> 00:47:35.199 much emphasis on that if it wasn't actually a problems. kind of sounds like 674 00:47:35.360 --> 00:47:37.320 as much as of an expense as maybe golfing would be. You know, 675 00:47:37.400 --> 00:47:42.039 it just the thing you do. Yeah, I mean I haven't done it 676 00:47:42.079 --> 00:47:45.960 like recently. You know, I'll look at the Kentucky Derby or something and 677 00:47:46.239 --> 00:47:51.559 for the few times, you know, once every couple years, actually get 678 00:47:51.559 --> 00:47:54.800 to you know, a lot of perhaps table. It's amazing the discipline I 679 00:47:54.840 --> 00:48:00.719 have at that game and have no other discipline and any other aspective like the 680 00:48:00.719 --> 00:48:05.280 rest of my life that I do there. I mean, it makes it 681 00:48:05.320 --> 00:48:10.079 really makes no sense. But maybe because it's like there's a statistical yeah, 682 00:48:10.119 --> 00:48:14.360 you found the rule or you know the rules and you're like why would anybody 683 00:48:14.360 --> 00:48:16.760 play other than the rules? Right, you know, or you know I've 684 00:48:16.760 --> 00:48:20.480 developed a couple systems and yeah, right, that's what I mean. Or 685 00:48:20.480 --> 00:48:22.880 guarantee to make you money. But it's like, I know, I played 686 00:48:22.960 --> 00:48:28.880 this way and it's really the only way I play. But yeah, I 687 00:48:28.920 --> 00:48:32.199 mean if I can, you know, spend three thousand dollars on Amazon or 688 00:48:32.239 --> 00:48:36.840 at a bar or something like that, it makes no sense that I've been 689 00:48:36.880 --> 00:48:42.360 disciplined and you know, when that walk of life there. So yeah, 690 00:48:42.360 --> 00:48:45.039 well, one of those things that I have. You know that I've no 691 00:48:45.159 --> 00:48:51.679 idea of how that happens. But yeah, there's the have been through things 692 00:48:51.679 --> 00:48:53.239 in my life. I look back I'm like that was a weird phase. 693 00:48:54.000 --> 00:48:58.039 But yeah, it's not like it was an activity that I can just do 694 00:48:58.119 --> 00:49:00.280 now. But I just don't do it. But I look back I'm like, 695 00:49:00.280 --> 00:49:02.159 well, I sure did that. A lot of wonder why I'm super 696 00:49:02.199 --> 00:49:07.639 into that thing. Yeah, that's what we grow up you know, distractions 697 00:49:07.679 --> 00:49:14.599 of the brain, and I got I got married younger and as a brain 698 00:49:14.679 --> 00:49:20.119 distraction get out. I mean yeah, I've moved. I've moved states to 699 00:49:20.199 --> 00:49:25.039 distract my brain when it's in a like a horrible couple month just downward beaten 700 00:49:25.119 --> 00:49:31.559 spell. You know, I've done huge things to just calm at you know, 701 00:49:31.840 --> 00:49:36.000 yes, the noise in there. Yeah, there's so much activity going 702 00:49:36.039 --> 00:49:38.760 on your head sometimes you need something really extreme to like take you away. 703 00:49:38.800 --> 00:49:43.440 Like fortunately, like you said, Golf. That golf is a good one 704 00:49:43.480 --> 00:49:45.119 as we get older, those kind of activities. I played the drum. 705 00:49:45.159 --> 00:49:49.400 So you just little things that you could just do that your brain kind of 706 00:49:49.440 --> 00:49:54.440 goes on autopilot and gives you a rest. Yeah, I mean, that's 707 00:49:54.880 --> 00:50:02.719 I mean, I've built a couple little putting green. Oh No, way, 708 00:50:02.960 --> 00:50:08.559 put Greens and yeah, and done some waterfalls and you know, that 709 00:50:08.679 --> 00:50:15.119 stuff just absolutely at never feels like work out of my head all day. 710 00:50:15.320 --> 00:50:16.679 What if? Yeah, what a fun project, a plus. You get 711 00:50:16.719 --> 00:50:22.440 to your it's athletic like he gets your you're moving out, you're not thinking 712 00:50:22.440 --> 00:50:24.320 about any of life's problems. You get your hands in the dirt, moving 713 00:50:24.360 --> 00:50:30.360 the grass. Nice. Yeah, there's I mean it's way better than the 714 00:50:30.360 --> 00:50:32.480 than the Gig gap got going right now. Not that there's anything wrong with 715 00:50:32.519 --> 00:50:37.440 that one, but you know, you know, I feel like I need 716 00:50:37.519 --> 00:50:43.840 a freaking assistant, yeah, like to like deal with the other parts of 717 00:50:43.960 --> 00:50:49.360 business that my brain just doesn't want to deal with straight up, like bureaucracy, 718 00:50:49.440 --> 00:50:52.679 red tape, all that stuff, filling out forms, read an instructions, 719 00:50:52.679 --> 00:50:57.760 anything that. Yeah, yeah, that's apparently I didn't. I thought 720 00:50:57.760 --> 00:51:00.960 I was just being an ass and my doctor said no, that's all adhd 721 00:51:00.039 --> 00:51:02.760 stuff. You can't that's why it's driving you crazy. I'm like Oh, 722 00:51:02.760 --> 00:51:07.000 thanks, thanks for the new label. Then I just tell yeah, sorry, 723 00:51:07.000 --> 00:51:09.440 boss, I can't read those instructions. Just tell me the long and 724 00:51:09.480 --> 00:51:17.199 short of it. I mean, I got diagnosed with OCD younger and then 725 00:51:17.480 --> 00:51:23.199 adhd after the bipolar and yeah, so I feel you bad. It's just 726 00:51:23.239 --> 00:51:25.760 a lot of the same stuff, right. Well, I keep telling them. 727 00:51:25.760 --> 00:51:30.920 I'm like maybe it's just hyper and depressed, maybe it's not mania, 728 00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:34.599 and I can't get a straight answer on that one. And they're like well, 729 00:51:34.639 --> 00:51:37.199 whatever you want. Like well, what do you mean whatever I want? 730 00:51:37.559 --> 00:51:40.239 Like doesn't the MED's make a difference, is the wit. They're like 731 00:51:40.280 --> 00:51:43.760 well, yeah, but how you feel? Oh my God, I feel 732 00:51:43.920 --> 00:51:50.639 fine. Whatever. I like like like what do you saw doctors along the 733 00:51:50.639 --> 00:51:53.199 way? Did because it seems like you're the type of guy that would present 734 00:51:53.320 --> 00:51:58.840 well, you know, like to wear and dude too. Well, because 735 00:51:58.840 --> 00:52:01.039 I guess, and I don't go to the doctor when I'm bad, like 736 00:52:01.199 --> 00:52:04.880 I just flake on the pointment. I just don't. Absolutely do not go, 737 00:52:04.920 --> 00:52:07.760 and the when nobody sees me for weeks. When I finally got can 738 00:52:07.840 --> 00:52:09.239 get dressed and go to the doctor, I'm like, Dupe Dude, Hey, 739 00:52:09.320 --> 00:52:13.960 I'm John here. I'm feeling bad. Some of the time they're like 740 00:52:14.480 --> 00:52:17.159 one time my doctor had little Russian lady doctor and Hollywood California, like the 741 00:52:17.199 --> 00:52:22.159 Hollywood mental health clinic. She is looking at my charts at the end of 742 00:52:22.159 --> 00:52:28.880 our like six weeks a sessions and I go hmm, so what do you 743 00:52:28.880 --> 00:52:35.000 think I have? She just goes, HMM, well, I don't know 744 00:52:35.039 --> 00:52:42.159 what you have, but you definitely have something like Devy Lady, that's messed 745 00:52:42.239 --> 00:52:45.440 up. As you were saying that, the thought my head that she was 746 00:52:45.480 --> 00:52:50.679 gonna say was whatever's wrong with you? Was No small thing, John. 747 00:52:50.800 --> 00:52:53.639 Right. They're like all right, all right, I love that. And 748 00:52:53.679 --> 00:52:58.320 then I went back for another since eight weeks with the different DBT COUNSELOR WHO's 749 00:52:58.400 --> 00:53:00.280 Super Hot, and I like, how dare you give you a super sexy 750 00:53:00.360 --> 00:53:06.880 counselor? This is just mean. Dvt Is an interesting thing, right. 751 00:53:07.199 --> 00:53:10.400 Yeah, you know, it's it seems to cut out like a lot of 752 00:53:10.400 --> 00:53:15.280 the therapy work. It's basically a big fuck you. It's like yeah, 753 00:53:15.639 --> 00:53:17.679 what do you think about that? Like we mean what I think about that? 754 00:53:17.679 --> 00:53:21.119 How does it make you feel? Like bad? That's why I'm here. 755 00:53:21.280 --> 00:53:24.159 Why? Good Enough? It's just it's like looking in a mirror. 756 00:53:24.239 --> 00:53:27.880 I had a my earlier doctor was like that. When you were talking about 757 00:53:27.880 --> 00:53:30.960 the doctor who sat around with his his pipe and the big, big leather 758 00:53:31.079 --> 00:53:34.480 couch, I had a doctor. He just sat back in the same kind 759 00:53:34.519 --> 00:53:37.480 of vibe and he's a HMM. He hardly said any words. I'm tell 760 00:53:37.519 --> 00:53:40.159 I'd talk like I talked now, just forever, and then he would be 761 00:53:40.760 --> 00:53:45.800 huh, I see, tell me more, and then maybe at the end 762 00:53:45.840 --> 00:53:49.320 of the hour it's like, okay, well, how does that make you 763 00:53:49.320 --> 00:53:52.639 feel like? Oh, for fuck's sake, this is all the stuff I 764 00:53:52.719 --> 00:53:54.880 used to watch on the TV. I'm like this why I don't go to 765 00:53:54.920 --> 00:54:00.639 psychiatrist or or therapist is because there's they stupid like that, and obviously I 766 00:54:00.679 --> 00:54:02.760 don't think they're stupid. I still go to them, but when I was 767 00:54:02.800 --> 00:54:07.840 a kid that's what I thought, because they act exactly like the stereotype cliche 768 00:54:07.960 --> 00:54:12.760 I see on TV. They don't do much help. They didn't. Then, 769 00:54:13.039 --> 00:54:15.079 finally, after shopping around over years, and years and years, you 770 00:54:15.119 --> 00:54:19.719 do find some that unlocked, some keys to some shit and like Huh, 771 00:54:20.039 --> 00:54:22.280 and you'll never forget some of those keys that they give you. So that's 772 00:54:22.280 --> 00:54:28.000 worth going to therapy by itself. Right. And and I think the big 773 00:54:28.039 --> 00:54:31.360 thing that you just said there is finding the right person, the right therapist, 774 00:54:31.440 --> 00:54:37.599 the right psychiatrist, you know it. It's amazing it takes so long 775 00:54:37.639 --> 00:54:45.079 to get diagnosed with, you know, with whatever, bi polar, even 776 00:54:45.119 --> 00:54:46.880 borderline and all the rest of them. Yeah, like, like, how 777 00:54:46.880 --> 00:54:52.000 does it take that many doctors, that many therapists, cheese right, oh, 778 00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:55.440 over thirty years or even three years or five years. You know, 779 00:54:55.519 --> 00:54:59.480 you hear all these stories. It took me fifteen or, you know, 780 00:54:59.920 --> 00:55:02.840 to twelve years or twenty years. And and that's like, I mean I'm 781 00:55:02.880 --> 00:55:07.599 not surprised by it at like at all, but I like, what the 782 00:55:07.599 --> 00:55:12.119 Hell is wrong with them, with the Medical Cup? Yeah, especially the 783 00:55:12.079 --> 00:55:15.119 therapists and the psychiatrist who just missed it. Like how do you miss this 784 00:55:15.159 --> 00:55:19.559 stuff? Or how do you not follow up with like I think you have 785 00:55:19.599 --> 00:55:22.239 a problem. You're telling me you have a problem. Let's get you here 786 00:55:22.280 --> 00:55:28.000 at end. Let's you know, yeah, let let's let you help figure 787 00:55:28.079 --> 00:55:31.159 some of this out too, because you know, you're the one that has, 788 00:55:31.239 --> 00:55:35.679 or I'm the one that has, all these issues and they can't just, 789 00:55:35.880 --> 00:55:37.519 you know, figure that all out. And you know what, fifteen 790 00:55:37.519 --> 00:55:42.159 minute now and they're only going to fix, fix the ones that you give 791 00:55:42.199 --> 00:55:45.719 them. So when you go to a therapist or or psych doctor, whatever, 792 00:55:45.920 --> 00:55:49.719 say you go to a psych doctor, the ones who prescribe meds, 793 00:55:49.800 --> 00:55:53.280 and basically you just harp on the fact that you know, I can't stop 794 00:55:53.320 --> 00:55:55.559 crying, I can't stop crying, or whatever. He's going to give you 795 00:55:55.559 --> 00:55:59.199 a pill so you stop crying. Or if you say, Oh, my 796 00:55:59.199 --> 00:56:01.400 elbow hurts, my he's going to give you pill so your elbow hurts. 797 00:56:01.440 --> 00:56:06.840 He can't fix all of our mental health problems with one pill, so they 798 00:56:06.920 --> 00:56:09.559 just typically will give you a pill to figure out how to resolve the most 799 00:56:09.599 --> 00:56:14.159 the highest priority problem you have. And I don't I think a lot of 800 00:56:14.199 --> 00:56:17.760 people going with maybe unrealistic expectations of what a psych doctor, what those pills 801 00:56:17.760 --> 00:56:22.159 were, actually do to help. I'm not antipill by any means. A 802 00:56:22.199 --> 00:56:24.880 lot of pills definitely help and we'll get you to the next stage, but 803 00:56:24.920 --> 00:56:30.719 band. They're not magic. Right, absolutely not. And you know I 804 00:56:30.760 --> 00:56:37.239 mean I look back to something because I'm very persistent and not sure where that 805 00:56:37.239 --> 00:56:42.880 comes from and definitely gets me in trouble from time to time. But you 806 00:56:42.920 --> 00:56:45.840 know, I'm you know, at times I was telling that, I was 807 00:56:45.880 --> 00:56:50.760 telling to talk the doctor what I think I needed, and they're prescribing it. 808 00:56:50.800 --> 00:56:53.679 Like yeah, like who doesn't? Like I'm not the expert, like 809 00:56:53.760 --> 00:56:57.800 they have to know that. So, no matter what's saying, like no 810 00:56:57.800 --> 00:57:00.360 matter what I'm saying or the crap coming out of my mouth, like shouldn't 811 00:57:00.360 --> 00:57:06.559 you take that with like crates of salt instead of throwing major depression onto my 812 00:57:06.599 --> 00:57:12.119 resume and given me, you know, pro Zak or letter bro Yeah, 813 00:57:12.320 --> 00:57:16.599 some new she's so loft. Trials. Yeah, I awa tried like five 814 00:57:16.679 --> 00:57:20.920 of those and they all work for crap. And you know, come to 815 00:57:20.960 --> 00:57:24.400 find out later, after died to know sis, that you know, those 816 00:57:24.440 --> 00:57:30.000 type of pills make what I have even worse. Right, right then, 817 00:57:30.840 --> 00:57:34.400 I don't think can't be that inexperience there. Maybe they are, I just 818 00:57:34.480 --> 00:57:37.039 don't I don't get it. Here's one of the big problems I see about, 819 00:57:37.159 --> 00:57:40.960 especially medical care in America is the continuity of care for people like us 820 00:57:42.000 --> 00:57:46.000 who end up having to move because of our life, you know. Well, 821 00:57:46.000 --> 00:57:50.280 then we have to sign it for new medical at the new job, 822 00:57:50.400 --> 00:57:53.079 or we're poor and we have to sign up for government medical care or whatever. 823 00:57:53.159 --> 00:57:58.840 You know, all those things come. All that shit is in one 824 00:57:58.840 --> 00:58:04.960 commonplace so that the little lady in the Hollywood medical fucking mental health hospital, 825 00:58:05.519 --> 00:58:08.519 all her notes should be there now in Louisiana, when I was there, 826 00:58:08.639 --> 00:58:12.760 or here in Oklahoma, or when I'm back in California, whatever. It 827 00:58:12.760 --> 00:58:15.920 should all be in one place. And if they're reinventing the wheel and waiting 828 00:58:15.960 --> 00:58:20.320 for a crazy person to tell them what's wrong with us so we can get 829 00:58:20.360 --> 00:58:24.119 the pill of the day, that's not going to work. Yeah, like 830 00:58:24.320 --> 00:58:28.960 not at all, and it will doesn't wear. I mean I obviously there's 831 00:58:28.960 --> 00:58:30.199 only, like, you know, twenty different types of pills they can give 832 00:58:30.239 --> 00:58:34.280 us now. So if you go through enough of them, one might actually 833 00:58:34.360 --> 00:58:37.039 have some good results. So it just seems like we're just playing a game, 834 00:58:37.119 --> 00:58:42.000 though, instead of really trying to get it done. Just start throwing, 835 00:58:42.039 --> 00:58:45.599 man. I mean, what do you think about how long it takes 836 00:58:45.679 --> 00:58:51.159 to get all right combination of medicine. That that right, that works. 837 00:58:51.239 --> 00:58:54.039 Yep, you know, it's first, first, the right diagnosis and then 838 00:58:54.119 --> 00:58:59.719 the right medicines. It's so many combinations right there, and those two things, 839 00:58:59.719 --> 00:59:05.039 oh my goodness, like it's it's just so much, you know, 840 00:59:05.159 --> 00:59:12.039 to get those two to even line up the minus therapy, you know, 841 00:59:12.159 --> 00:59:16.400 on top of it, right, just getting a diagnosis and some pills that 842 00:59:16.400 --> 00:59:20.920 are going to work for you, and that's if the system work perfectly. 843 00:59:21.000 --> 00:59:23.800 That's not including, oh, that phone numbers disconnected. Oh, leave a 844 00:59:23.840 --> 00:59:29.559 message of voicemailboxes full. We can schedule you in seven months. There's so 845 00:59:29.599 --> 00:59:32.960 many little fuckeries that happen in the system on top of that, I don't 846 00:59:34.199 --> 00:59:37.199 even understand how we've made it this far, and I guess that's one of 847 00:59:37.239 --> 00:59:40.239 the messages that we should let people know. If you're new to being sick, 848 00:59:40.239 --> 00:59:44.360 to having a mental illness, it is a lot of work. It 849 00:59:44.440 --> 00:59:49.199 is so much work and it's so unfair. I don't even know, man, 850 00:59:49.239 --> 00:59:52.639 it is so unfair and what there's no other choice but to have to 851 00:59:52.719 --> 00:59:55.199 do it. And you could complain on twitter about it. You can, 852 00:59:55.280 --> 00:59:58.519 you know, whine about it. You could try to get you know, 853 00:59:59.280 --> 01:00:02.880 unemployment or disability benefits and just live that life. But whatever, it's still 854 01:00:02.880 --> 01:00:06.679 all of that stuff. Even trying to get disability. That's a lot of 855 01:00:06.719 --> 01:00:08.880 work. Trying to try and hold down a job, that's more work than 856 01:00:08.960 --> 01:00:13.559 it should be. All the stuff is so much extra work and I have 857 01:00:13.599 --> 01:00:16.280 a lot of empathy for people like well, you and the rest of my 858 01:00:16.320 --> 01:00:20.800 guests who try to get it done. So tell me this last thing I 859 01:00:20.840 --> 01:00:25.639 was looking at here. You tell me about public speaking and elementary education. 860 01:00:28.519 --> 01:00:35.159 Ah, so, I let's just start with I had blown out a disc 861 01:00:35.239 --> 01:00:38.880 in my back and my late S. okay, so I had I've got 862 01:00:38.880 --> 01:00:45.440 my two year degree when I was like twenty one, working full time and 863 01:00:45.480 --> 01:00:51.880 just grabbing credits and stuff and and got an associate stand and then blew the 864 01:00:51.880 --> 01:00:57.840 back out and I was like, I'm a laborer, man, I'm a 865 01:00:57.840 --> 01:01:01.400 puzzler outside and and you know this. This is not good. I have 866 01:01:01.480 --> 01:01:07.800 to I have to come up with something else. So went back and always 867 01:01:08.079 --> 01:01:15.360 I'm not sure like how this works, but I've always dealt with children or 868 01:01:15.559 --> 01:01:22.360 you know, young you know young kids and young adults so much better than 869 01:01:22.440 --> 01:01:27.360 actual adults. You know that. Yeah, there was at least a connection 870 01:01:27.440 --> 01:01:30.559 there that I felt good about, that I felt that I could do do, 871 01:01:30.599 --> 01:01:35.320 do well in and be able to effect lives in a positive way. 872 01:01:35.440 --> 01:01:38.800 So I went back to get, you know, the second part of a 873 01:01:38.800 --> 01:01:44.159 four year degree and got that in elementary education and and along the way there 874 01:01:44.239 --> 01:01:50.119 took, you know, a couple public speaking classes and pretty much the elementary 875 01:01:50.199 --> 01:01:54.719 education program you know, as a public speaking class. So for like two 876 01:01:54.800 --> 01:02:00.360 years. That actually took me longer than that because in between a back surgery 877 01:02:00.440 --> 01:02:02.880 or two. Yes, stop for stop for four years and then went back 878 01:02:02.920 --> 01:02:07.639 past that. So yeah, I was able to, you know, really 879 01:02:07.719 --> 01:02:14.239 function out of ridiculous high level, you know, when I went back to 880 01:02:14.280 --> 01:02:17.679 school. Yeah, so one of those things where I look back now I 881 01:02:17.800 --> 01:02:21.800 like, how'd I do it? Did you got it taken care of if 882 01:02:21.800 --> 01:02:23.800 you took care of business. So you got a degree in elementary education. 883 01:02:23.920 --> 01:02:28.119 Is that mean you could be a teacher or substitute teacher or and then work 884 01:02:28.119 --> 01:02:30.199 your way up to run a school? As a principle? I don't know 885 01:02:30.239 --> 01:02:34.480 how the hierarchy of a school works, but I don't think there's any chance 886 01:02:34.519 --> 01:02:37.320 in hell that I would make it to be in a principle. But yes, 887 01:02:37.400 --> 01:02:43.480 I could absolutely substitute and get a teaching job. And you know, 888 01:02:43.679 --> 01:02:47.679 it's just another one of those things that, you know, my back finally 889 01:02:47.679 --> 01:02:52.320 started getting a little better like twenty years later, right. Yeah, like 890 01:02:52.400 --> 01:02:57.360 in my late forty is around the diagnosis. I'm not sure if there's any 891 01:02:57.400 --> 01:03:00.440 you know. Yeah, I think so. I'll tell of my back. 892 01:03:00.480 --> 01:03:02.119 I kind of goes along with that. Yeah, Yep, yeah, so 893 01:03:02.960 --> 01:03:07.440 that's really cool. I work with kids. For five years I worked in 894 01:03:07.440 --> 01:03:10.679 it was like a dog pound for kids. It was like a juvenile hall, 895 01:03:10.679 --> 01:03:14.519 but the kids were not criminals. They're just had no parents or the 896 01:03:14.519 --> 01:03:20.519 parents were criminals. But those kids lived in there with school in there everything. 897 01:03:20.800 --> 01:03:22.559 So, yeah, I worked there for five years. I love that. 898 01:03:22.920 --> 01:03:25.559 And then when I finally had my own baby with my wife, like, 899 01:03:25.599 --> 01:03:30.079 Oh my God, this is so much easier than than raising all those 900 01:03:30.079 --> 01:03:32.519 other fifty crazy kids. This is just one little, simple, little baby. 901 01:03:34.159 --> 01:03:36.719 Yeah, I love working with kids. Still Do. That's why I 902 01:03:36.719 --> 01:03:38.880 was like, I'm jealous. I want to be elementary teacher, specially now 903 01:03:38.920 --> 01:03:44.840 when there's so much crazy parents because of the political environment, given teachers a 904 01:03:44.840 --> 01:03:47.679 hard time. We just love to just dig in there and just teach kids 905 01:03:47.679 --> 01:03:52.840 stuff, like probably subversive stuff. I'd probably be fired a lot for teaching 906 01:03:53.000 --> 01:03:58.639 stuff the parents didn't want them and necessarily know about the way the world works. 907 01:03:59.519 --> 01:04:00.920 Nothing, nothing Grosser, you know, on Tooward, just, you 908 01:04:01.000 --> 01:04:05.760 know, things about the bigger picture stuff. Now I think I was a 909 01:04:05.920 --> 01:04:12.960 rounded enuff. Teachers do it like and get you know, like your you 910 01:04:13.039 --> 01:04:17.960 know, you're you're you know you're in class. Why is why is the 911 01:04:18.000 --> 01:04:24.559 word slipping? Slip it through by bye here. You know, you know 912 01:04:24.599 --> 01:04:29.280 you're watching the teachers and what they do. So you know when you're here 913 01:04:29.320 --> 01:04:31.559 and some of the stuff that comes out out of their mouths and you're like, 914 01:04:32.199 --> 01:04:35.880 holy crap, I didn't you could get away with that right, like 915 01:04:35.880 --> 01:04:39.880 like, like what the hell are they say? Like this is science in 916 01:04:39.920 --> 01:04:44.320 there. You know. You're like that's not talking about talking about something on 917 01:04:44.360 --> 01:04:48.039 Youtube and I like, Y, not science related at all. Oh yeah, 918 01:04:48.079 --> 01:04:51.400 it's like there's a little bit of leeway here to be a goofball. 919 01:04:51.679 --> 01:04:55.519 Yeah, yeah, it's funny. I went to end up going to a 920 01:04:55.559 --> 01:04:59.440 continuation high school back in, you know, those days, and I didn't 921 01:04:59.480 --> 01:05:02.280 learn until later that all of the teachers at my continuations high school had also 922 01:05:02.360 --> 01:05:05.880 been kicked out of their high schools for different reasons, and we're sentenced to 923 01:05:05.880 --> 01:05:11.480 work at the continuation high school with US jackasses. I'm like, that is 924 01:05:11.519 --> 01:05:15.880 fantastic. Love it. Well, now I'd rather have a therapist that has 925 01:05:15.880 --> 01:05:19.559 bipolar then, you know. So I'd rather get taught by people that, 926 01:05:19.719 --> 01:05:23.599 you know, yeah, are like us. I think of that. That's 927 01:05:23.639 --> 01:05:26.840 that's the way a lot of folks, you know, in any class of 928 01:05:26.880 --> 01:05:30.639 society, is like. You kind of like to hear from people that have 929 01:05:30.679 --> 01:05:35.559 similar experiences. Sure, I mean fool guys hang out. Hey will pool 930 01:05:35.599 --> 01:05:41.880 guys, and right there's with doctors and bipolars, with bipolars. Eventually someone's 931 01:05:41.880 --> 01:05:45.559 got to hang out with us. We hang out with each other. Made 932 01:05:45.599 --> 01:05:48.760 you gotta Find Your tribe and and and you know, I haven't completely done 933 01:05:48.800 --> 01:05:53.159 that yet. So it's kind of starting with, you know, with you 934 01:05:53.199 --> 01:05:57.760 here and and yeah, now that's awesome. I'm glad you had your people. 935 01:05:57.840 --> 01:06:00.719 Yeah, I'm glad you stepping out, dude, and if you didn't 936 01:06:00.760 --> 01:06:03.159 tell me about your stutter, I would not have noticed it at all. 937 01:06:03.280 --> 01:06:06.440 So I think I may have stuttern more than you and I don't have a 938 01:06:06.480 --> 01:06:11.920 stutter. So there's that. I probably won't even add this part in the 939 01:06:11.960 --> 01:06:15.119 in the podcast because I didn't even notice it. And there's that little so 940 01:06:15.400 --> 01:06:20.000 yeah, kind of like I caught somebody very, very late, you know, 941 01:06:20.119 --> 01:06:25.400 and in my s and and I don't even like it wasn't even somebody 942 01:06:25.440 --> 01:06:30.239 I knew and she had heard me. You know, I don't know whether 943 01:06:30.280 --> 01:06:31.880 I was talking. I have no idea like where this happened. I just 944 01:06:31.960 --> 01:06:36.079 remember that that it did. And she was like, you know, if 945 01:06:36.119 --> 01:06:42.239 you start to roll your words like it's a continuous wave, yeah, she's 946 01:06:42.280 --> 01:06:46.440 like it'll really help you and maybe at some point you just kind of, 947 01:06:46.559 --> 01:06:51.280 you know, have this I don't know if it's better energy or you know, 948 01:06:51.360 --> 01:06:56.000 your vibe just kind of changes a bit when you can start to just 949 01:06:56.119 --> 01:07:00.960 roll your words and life got easier, at least on the speech side of 950 01:07:00.079 --> 01:07:02.800 things. Yeah, so I don't know if you can hear it, and 951 01:07:02.880 --> 01:07:05.519 kind of the way I talked, and you know when when you have hypo 952 01:07:05.599 --> 01:07:12.159 mate Maydia had really flies. But yeah, just the kind of rolling wave 953 01:07:12.280 --> 01:07:15.679 thing and just keep things going and and you know, at that point, 954 01:07:15.880 --> 01:07:19.719 yeah, you hang on and hope for the best. Yeah, that's for 955 01:07:19.760 --> 01:07:24.519 sure. I typically have been a drummer for most of my life, since 956 01:07:24.599 --> 01:07:28.480 I was as old as I can remember, and I typically think of things 957 01:07:28.480 --> 01:07:31.400 since in terms of rhythm. Like when I watch a comic or comedian, 958 01:07:31.800 --> 01:07:34.519 I tend to like, Oh yeah, this guy's got good rhythm. It's 959 01:07:34.559 --> 01:07:38.679 not necessarily the joke or the content of the words they're saying, it's the 960 01:07:38.760 --> 01:07:43.320 rhythm, and I think that helps me speak to because I even if I 961 01:07:43.320 --> 01:07:45.320 don't know the all the words that are about to come out of my mouth, 962 01:07:45.360 --> 01:07:50.280 I know the beat. I'm trying to end on how you might have 963 01:07:50.280 --> 01:07:53.519 to cut this part out because I just lost my train of thought, but 964 01:07:53.639 --> 01:07:57.840 I do that all the time. I'm surprised it took this long because I 965 01:07:57.880 --> 01:08:00.960 know what's common and I just you know, it's one of those things like 966 01:08:01.000 --> 01:08:05.039 predict a Hypo mania episode. You're like, well, shit, I can't 967 01:08:05.079 --> 01:08:10.119 do that, but I know it's common. Yeah Right. It's like I 968 01:08:10.159 --> 01:08:13.159 know this stuff is come in my way, just like the tide, you 969 01:08:13.199 --> 01:08:15.840 know, it's like the waves. They'll be here, just be patient. 970 01:08:17.319 --> 01:08:21.439 So it's like the waves are never stopping, man, no, it's it's 971 01:08:21.479 --> 01:08:25.039 just no matter how long you can ride the nice one. Yeah, it's 972 01:08:25.119 --> 01:08:27.840 right. This is not the choppy stuff that you got to take what you 973 01:08:27.880 --> 01:08:30.560 get, man. Right, that's funny. I would I would ask you 974 01:08:30.640 --> 01:08:35.199 if you had anything to promote, but you don't. You're here anonymously, 975 01:08:35.399 --> 01:08:39.680 so that that's cool. But is there anything you'd like to say to the 976 01:08:39.720 --> 01:08:44.319 world? Just Spread Peace and good tidings? I don't know, man. 977 01:08:44.359 --> 01:08:47.680 What's how do you want to close up? Sure, I had guy was 978 01:08:47.720 --> 01:08:53.159 buying my artificial tour for when I did a couple jobs and he was just 979 01:08:53.319 --> 01:08:58.319 all about bgt. Why? Be Good to yourself and that takes care of 980 01:08:58.359 --> 01:09:01.920 a lot of other water up a lot of other issues in life, and 981 01:09:02.119 --> 01:09:05.039 I just always remember that. And he was great guy, talking to me 982 01:09:05.079 --> 01:09:08.800 a whole bunch and got me through the process when I first started. And 983 01:09:09.479 --> 01:09:12.399 Yeah, if you've made it here and you're here in this and you've got 984 01:09:12.439 --> 01:09:17.000 my polar or whatever, yeah, just hanging there, man, and be 985 01:09:17.079 --> 01:09:23.079 good to yourself and just keep on plugging man. It's tough, but that's 986 01:09:23.119 --> 01:09:25.399 the one. That's a good way to leave it. Man. Be Good 987 01:09:25.399 --> 01:09:29.199 to yourself. You are one of us you might be alone right now. 988 01:09:29.199 --> 01:09:31.680 You know, people say right, you're not alone, and like, I'm 989 01:09:31.720 --> 01:09:35.399 fucking alone right now. I'm sitting in a room alone. Your gas lighting 990 01:09:35.479 --> 01:09:39.560 me. So I guess you're loan, but you're not the only one, 991 01:09:39.680 --> 01:09:43.239 like there's a lot of us alone right now in our own rooms individually, 992 01:09:43.359 --> 01:09:46.720 and so I appreciate you coming out of the woodwork and having the balls to 993 01:09:46.760 --> 01:09:49.920 get up here in the courage, I should say, to to speak and, 994 01:09:49.960 --> 01:09:54.680 if anyone else is listening, want to just talk and kind of break 995 01:09:54.720 --> 01:09:58.319 through that wall, break on through to the other side and start public speaking 996 01:09:58.399 --> 01:10:00.720 or just find your voice and see what it sounds like to talk on a 997 01:10:00.760 --> 01:10:02.520 podcast. It's not a big deal. Just make me, just me right. 998 01:10:02.600 --> 01:10:06.119 So I really appreciate you coming on Jay. Thanks for all that, 999 01:10:08.039 --> 01:10:12.399 John, you're great man. It's for anybody else, like you said that 1000 01:10:13.199 --> 01:10:15.880 maybe on the fence about coming on your show. If you live it to 1001 01:10:15.920 --> 01:10:20.239 a show, you already know he's smooth and easy and it was just that. 1002 01:10:20.399 --> 01:10:25.279 And, as it sounds right, like I am just like I sound 1003 01:10:25.319 --> 01:10:28.399 I am. I always thought that that was like try to be like the 1004 01:10:28.439 --> 01:10:30.840 person you actually sound like. Don't. They'll put on a stick. Just 1005 01:10:30.880 --> 01:10:36.399 be that at and like you. I mean you must do it and your 1006 01:10:36.439 --> 01:10:40.800 life and and handle things the same way, because if you listen to the 1007 01:10:40.840 --> 01:10:45.359 show, sit here and talking with you is almost like listening to the show. 1008 01:10:45.399 --> 01:10:48.680 It's just kind of a natural process and easy. So it's Neat Huh's 1009 01:10:48.720 --> 01:10:53.520 like interactive. It's interactive podcast. You go from listening, listening, listening 1010 01:10:53.560 --> 01:10:56.239 to talking. Now you get to go back and hear this episode in a 1011 01:10:56.239 --> 01:10:58.520 couple days like yeah, that's my ass. What up, they're talking. 1012 01:10:58.600 --> 01:11:00.960 How cool is that? Yeah, and one of the cool things is as 1013 01:11:01.000 --> 01:11:04.399 if you listen to this show and you even if you just listen to a 1014 01:11:04.399 --> 01:11:11.880 handful of episodes, when I start started, you already come across and I 1015 01:11:11.920 --> 01:11:15.279 already feel like I know you from just listening a few times and happened, 1016 01:11:15.920 --> 01:11:21.960 listen to your I don't know, hundred and twenty seven and you are that 1017 01:11:23.039 --> 01:11:27.600 guy. And this is a smooth and easy process and it was fun. 1018 01:11:27.640 --> 01:11:36.399 Man. I appreciate it. And now back to the wall.