John; August 10, 2021 — dark

WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:07.000 Oh well, they can't all be winners. Today kind of sucked. No, 2 00:00:08.029 --> 00:00:14.949 generally. Just later in the day I started to do this thing where 3 00:00:14.949 --> 00:00:19.030 I try to catch my feelings, and the way I catch it as I 4 00:00:19.109 --> 00:00:23.059 just identify, like I say to myself, I notice, you know, 5 00:00:23.100 --> 00:00:29.460 I just realized that I had a feeling. And in this case they keep 6 00:00:29.539 --> 00:00:35.420 being bad, so it's enough to catch it. Put there is onslaught of 7 00:00:35.619 --> 00:00:44.289 bad feelings and MMM, overwhelming, exhausting to try to bat them away. 8 00:00:46.649 --> 00:00:51.200 I guess what I'm saying is I'm having a bad evening. I don't feel 9 00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:56.359 like I belong anywhere. I feel like some people accept me so long as 10 00:00:56.399 --> 00:01:03.310 I perform in a family. Plenty of jobs in the past, but the 11 00:01:03.469 --> 00:01:08.390 moment they think I'm not or just don't fit into their picture or their plans. 12 00:01:08.469 --> 00:01:18.620 I mean, it seems like I'm easily disposed of and sometimes I think, 13 00:01:18.659 --> 00:01:23.700 I know, obviously this isn't real. But what is real? Sometimes 14 00:01:23.739 --> 00:01:27.180 I wonder if I died a couple of years ago and I've just been in 15 00:01:29.099 --> 00:01:34.769 hell. Like this is hell. All the things I've had to experience, 16 00:01:34.689 --> 00:01:42.129 all the heartache and just the sadness and the loss, having to see it 17 00:01:42.209 --> 00:01:51.079 and experience it over and again and again makes me think that like, what 18 00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:55.400 happened? I don't know what happened, but it seems like there must have 19 00:01:55.439 --> 00:02:02.790 been some event in which I just stopped existing and I think I'm alive. 20 00:02:04.390 --> 00:02:09.310 But really the reason people treat me as if I'm a ghost is because I 21 00:02:09.550 --> 00:02:15.500 am a ghost. And then when I try to think back, like how 22 00:02:15.539 --> 00:02:23.860 long ago do I remember actually feeling alive, it creates this weird vertigo like 23 00:02:23.259 --> 00:02:29.060 backwards tunnel where I can see all the just the heart ache of my life 24 00:02:30.090 --> 00:02:34.930 and I don't want to look back through all that. It's hard to look 25 00:02:34.930 --> 00:02:37.610 back through it and try to find out when I felt like I was alive. 26 00:02:37.650 --> 00:02:40.289 I always wanted to be a good kid. I tried to be a 27 00:02:40.370 --> 00:02:46.439 good cave when I was young. I guess I just wanted attention, like 28 00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:55.240 you know all kids do, but then it just felt ignored or kind of 29 00:02:55.319 --> 00:03:00.469 neglected, like even the love I got was a cold love, like I'm 30 00:03:00.789 --> 00:03:06.789 hot blooded. I'm a very warm loving person to like overwhelming, like it's 31 00:03:06.870 --> 00:03:14.219 I'm too much. So I don't know. I you can tell if somebody 32 00:03:14.340 --> 00:03:23.460 loves you warmly or feels kindly towards you versus someone who is supposed to love 33 00:03:23.539 --> 00:03:27.449 you or by a societal's construct, quote unquote, has to love you, 34 00:03:28.250 --> 00:03:36.729 but the love comes off as cold and rigid and well conditional, like it's 35 00:03:36.849 --> 00:03:40.639 there so long as you're living up to their standards and if you're not, 36 00:03:42.759 --> 00:03:46.360 there's no love. Now I guess I just felt that way at the end 37 00:03:46.360 --> 00:03:53.199 of today's work because I don't like I don't know, I work in sales, 38 00:03:53.319 --> 00:03:57.830 so I'm the only person out and I don't get to hang around anybody 39 00:03:57.830 --> 00:04:01.669 all day and today I was just, you know, exhausting hot outside. 40 00:04:01.710 --> 00:04:06.150 I think the product we have is great, but I think we're little late 41 00:04:06.229 --> 00:04:10.780 and little slow to the market with the price. So the price is not 42 00:04:11.580 --> 00:04:15.699 where people are jumping at it, which I guess is fine for the organization, 43 00:04:15.860 --> 00:04:19.180 but it's not good for me as a salesperson. So I find my 44 00:04:19.220 --> 00:04:27.730 days just wasted chasing kind of erratic plans that change on the fly when a 45 00:04:27.769 --> 00:04:31.250 lot of the stuff could be strategized and thought out, and I don't feel, 46 00:04:31.290 --> 00:04:35.529 HMM, I don't know that I sometimes I feel at work that I'm 47 00:04:35.569 --> 00:04:40.120 a ghost as well. I'll say things. You know, someone ask a 48 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:46.240 question, even an innocuous question, just meaningless, trivial question, and I'll 49 00:04:46.319 --> 00:04:51.000 answer it and that person will look at me and then continue looking at the 50 00:04:51.160 --> 00:04:56.589 ceiling as if they didn't hear the fucking correct answer I just said. And 51 00:04:56.629 --> 00:04:59.709 I've seen this go around the circle for like ten more seconds and then somebody 52 00:04:59.790 --> 00:05:05.110 else, or that person will sit repeat what I just said and then everyone 53 00:05:05.269 --> 00:05:06.740 be like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's the name of it. 54 00:05:06.819 --> 00:05:10.740 I'm like, wait, am I here? Am I am? I like 55 00:05:10.980 --> 00:05:15.779 have to pinch myself. Am I live? Is this up construct? I 56 00:05:15.939 --> 00:05:19.259 like the idea that we're just in a terrarium, that people planted us here 57 00:05:19.939 --> 00:05:25.209 and we're just doing the best we can with what happens. But now I 58 00:05:25.290 --> 00:05:30.689 kind of wonder if this is like a weird digital construct where we could be 59 00:05:30.889 --> 00:05:36.360 just muted or made invisible. I don't know, there's like a Black Mirror 60 00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:44.040 episode like that. You know, here's a weird thing, and I don't 61 00:05:44.199 --> 00:05:46.680 this probably happens to a lot of men, women to I would imagine, 62 00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:50.550 but you know, when you try to correct the mistakes that your parents made 63 00:05:51.990 --> 00:05:58.430 and you try everything in your power to not have that happen, and yet 64 00:05:58.629 --> 00:06:04.660 similar things unfold. So you end up in the same situation. And whereas 65 00:06:04.980 --> 00:06:11.500 I've felt like no love or very cold hearted love from my parents, I 66 00:06:11.660 --> 00:06:15.579 had tons of love and have tons of love for my own kids, but 67 00:06:15.459 --> 00:06:19.329 they treat me like my parents treat me. They're just cold to me, 68 00:06:19.569 --> 00:06:25.370 like unkind, and I don't know, m I don't know what I did, 69 00:06:25.930 --> 00:06:36.000 don't how to change that and yes, I've apologized. I've not made 70 00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:41.720 any demands, all the all the normal things. I think I'm fairly normal 71 00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:45.800 person in that sense, but I don't know if I attract drama, I 72 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:50.149 make bad decisions or just, I don't know, just not having a great 73 00:06:50.149 --> 00:07:01.660 day. This is one of the biggest challenges of the August daily episode. 74 00:07:01.740 --> 00:07:08.620 Challenge is that the day you really don't want to fucking get up and talk 75 00:07:08.699 --> 00:07:15.449 on a podcast is still a day that you you're committed to. HMM. 76 00:07:18.529 --> 00:07:24.610 Yeah, I'm trying to speak slowly so I don't say anything disturbing, but 77 00:07:25.209 --> 00:07:28.370 I don't know, the sinner I cut out tonight, the earlier I can 78 00:07:28.449 --> 00:07:34.920 just go to bed and hopefully start a new day tomorrow. Yeah, all 79 00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:40.720 right. Well, I'm going to listen to some music and for you people 80 00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:46.870 listening on Youtube what you're about to miss because Youtube is going to mute. 81 00:07:46.910 --> 00:07:56.509 It is bad flower with family. Thanks for listening. It's more leave me. 82 00:07:56.790 --> 00:08:13.329 I don't want this tonight. My sister's cry. I'm just my father's 83 00:08:16.129 --> 00:08:28.720 mother's Kid, shitty brother. I'm not body's friend. Only make you cry. 84 00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:39.200 I don't deserve this. Family only and now back to the wall.