How Malignant Narcissists Control You By Withholding from You

WEBVTT 1 00:00:07.629 --> 00:00:12.349 Welcome back. I'm johnny motions and this is alive from Emo Dojo. It's 2 00:00:12.470 --> 00:00:16.070 just me today, kind of checking in here after the holidays, I know, 3 00:00:16.350 --> 00:00:21.780 several weeks ago now, and I have put a podcasting between the holidays 4 00:00:21.820 --> 00:00:24.780 and now, so I didn't really have a chance to check in, but 5 00:00:24.859 --> 00:00:29.660 I hope you're well. I went out to California and visited family and friends. 6 00:00:29.940 --> 00:00:36.009 Had A great time and I started to discern the difference between narcissist and 7 00:00:36.049 --> 00:00:40.450 a malignant narcissist. So it trud just a regular old narcissist or trippy. 8 00:00:40.729 --> 00:00:45.850 They're funny. They remind me now of like a film director on a set 9 00:00:46.170 --> 00:00:50.719 that is kind of super crazy and you have to do everything exactly like they 10 00:00:50.840 --> 00:00:56.039 expected to be done, even if you know you don't. You didn't realize 11 00:00:56.039 --> 00:00:58.719 that you're on a set and that you had lines to say and that you 12 00:00:58.880 --> 00:01:03.320 there was a suplace you were supposed to stand. That's how Narcissus Street people 13 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:04.469 like, Oh, why are you standing over there? Why? How come 14 00:01:04.510 --> 00:01:07.069 you doing this? What don't you know? How come? What the Fuck's 15 00:01:07.150 --> 00:01:08.950 wrong with you? Why are you an idiot? Hey, why are you 16 00:01:10.030 --> 00:01:14.310 even on the set? That's what's Christmas is like to me, and it's 17 00:01:14.349 --> 00:01:17.629 exhausting because I could forget like wait, I'm not an actor, I didn't 18 00:01:17.629 --> 00:01:21.099 sign up to be on the set, I'm on fucking vacation. So all 19 00:01:21.140 --> 00:01:25.579 you narcissist settle down with your little expectations. Once I realize that kind of 20 00:01:25.620 --> 00:01:29.019 analogy, as I was in the midst of it, I just started to 21 00:01:29.060 --> 00:01:33.569 have fun with it. I'm presended like I was a crazy film star, 22 00:01:33.769 --> 00:01:38.769 like a narcissistic film star. Yeah, I can add a little fun anyway. 23 00:01:38.930 --> 00:01:45.170 So the whole idea of malignant narcissist comes up because there are people that, 24 00:01:45.769 --> 00:01:49.239 while a lot of people like to control their environments and they aren't necessarily 25 00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:52.079 malicious, you know, they're not out to get anyone, they're just that 26 00:01:52.280 --> 00:01:56.879 way when you're in their presence and you can always choose to leave the presence 27 00:01:56.920 --> 00:02:01.030 right. Malignant narcissists, on the other hand, will fuck with you from 28 00:02:01.030 --> 00:02:05.269 afar. They'll just fuck with you in general and if you're not there, 29 00:02:05.469 --> 00:02:09.189 they'll continue fucking with you by talking a bunch of Sh had about you amongst 30 00:02:09.229 --> 00:02:16.180 the people that are left after you've gone right. And so one thing malignant 31 00:02:16.379 --> 00:02:24.139 narcissist and also psychopaths use to torment their victims. It's not just outward aggression, 32 00:02:24.500 --> 00:02:29.060 it's not just bullying and outward things. It's really subtle shit. In 33 00:02:29.139 --> 00:02:31.330 fact, I think a lot of these little red flags will talk about in 34 00:02:31.330 --> 00:02:38.330 the next few minutes are key to uncovering narcissists in your life. And once 35 00:02:38.409 --> 00:02:44.719 you identify them you can get rid of them, because typically narcissists can't be 36 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:50.960 treated because they suffer from what's known as a Nosa Nosia, which is lack 37 00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:53.479 of insight. They just don't have the capacity to understand that they are actually 38 00:02:53.479 --> 00:02:58.199 sick. It's not everybody else. They don't. They're seriously just kind of 39 00:02:58.830 --> 00:03:04.270 not demented, but demented in the casual sense. So they do weird shit. 40 00:03:04.349 --> 00:03:07.189 So the subtle shit we're going to talk about today all revolve around the 41 00:03:07.349 --> 00:03:13.819 technique called withholding. So kind of the opposite of aggressive. This is all 42 00:03:13.939 --> 00:03:21.500 passive, aggressive things malignant narcissists use to torment you. So I'll stop using 43 00:03:21.500 --> 00:03:23.300 the word malignant each time because it's redundant. I mean it's not redne at, 44 00:03:23.340 --> 00:03:28.729 just too many syllables. Be Quicker if I just say narcissists or even 45 00:03:29.050 --> 00:03:31.330 narks. Let's go to narks. Okay, so what are the first things 46 00:03:31.370 --> 00:03:37.530 in NARC will do is withhold affection. Sometimes, not all the time. 47 00:03:38.889 --> 00:03:42.599 Sometimes, when you get into a new relationship with a NARC, they'll do 48 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:46.000 this thing what's called love bombing. Will they just give you all kinds of 49 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:49.759 praise and gifts and open the door for you and everything like? Well, 50 00:03:49.800 --> 00:03:53.120 I meant prince charming or princess lay or whoever, you know what, whoever 51 00:03:53.159 --> 00:03:55.710 you idolize. It's like, well, this is the perfect person, even 52 00:03:55.750 --> 00:04:00.229 more than perfect. Wow, right. So That's love bombing. And as 53 00:04:00.270 --> 00:04:04.310 soon as they got you hooked, then they withhold affection. They get you 54 00:04:04.389 --> 00:04:08.030 to beg or not or just wonder if, like, it's okay. And 55 00:04:08.189 --> 00:04:13.659 Anyway, when someone encounters a Nark, that's love bombing them and they and 56 00:04:13.780 --> 00:04:16.699 withholds affection off and on sporadically. It's a system. It's like hot and 57 00:04:16.819 --> 00:04:23.980 cold behavior. Technically it's called intermittent reinforcement, but anyway, what will happen 58 00:04:24.220 --> 00:04:28.610 is it'll super disorient a regular person. So if you're a regular, healthy 59 00:04:28.649 --> 00:04:30.649 person in a nart comes into your life, they're going to love bomb you. 60 00:04:31.730 --> 00:04:34.089 You know, good chance they're going to trick you into thinking, Oh 61 00:04:34.129 --> 00:04:36.649 wow, this is great, this might be the one, and then they'll 62 00:04:36.649 --> 00:04:42.800 pull back. And so they're withholding affection to control you. But then it 63 00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:47.399 gets, you know, progressively more insidious. Maybe they're not giving you all 64 00:04:47.439 --> 00:04:50.120 the presents or what, or giving you kisses are right, and you cute 65 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:53.350 notes as much anymore. And you know, if you're an if you're a 66 00:04:53.470 --> 00:04:56.389 couple and in a committed relationship, sir, a lot of those things kind 67 00:04:56.389 --> 00:04:59.629 of fade. Try to keep them going, but of course they fade over 68 00:04:59.750 --> 00:05:02.550 time because people's lives get full of other things. But the next level of 69 00:05:02.670 --> 00:05:08.779 withholding that a Nark will do is when they withhold just regular healthy interest or 70 00:05:08.860 --> 00:05:14.339 praise, kind of you know, normal authentic compliments when you've done something that 71 00:05:14.540 --> 00:05:17.500 kind of would you know that would be a situation? And when you normally 72 00:05:17.540 --> 00:05:23.769 get a compliment from a common person. So that's a huge red flag. 73 00:05:24.370 --> 00:05:28.170 If you did something like got a raise at work, you know, I 74 00:05:28.290 --> 00:05:30.209 got it, just did something whatever, you know, whatever is in your 75 00:05:30.250 --> 00:05:34.170 life that you think all of your friends and family would compliment you on. 76 00:05:34.689 --> 00:05:39.240 If there's somebody in your life that is withholding a com plemant in that situation. 77 00:05:40.560 --> 00:05:43.959 Red Flag there. Ass You know, keep them on a list and 78 00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:48.439 watch their other behaviors, because in a situation where you see you get a 79 00:05:48.480 --> 00:05:53.310 job, promotion type of thing, when everybody else is complimenting you and the 80 00:05:53.389 --> 00:05:58.750 NARC cannot, that's a sign that they don't want to give any praise because 81 00:05:59.350 --> 00:06:03.420 they're having a hard time dealing with their inability to compete with you. There's 82 00:06:03.420 --> 00:06:08.100 a lot of envy. They kind to try to maintain control of the situation 83 00:06:08.300 --> 00:06:12.339 and your relationship, or at least their relationship to you. So they're going 84 00:06:12.339 --> 00:06:15.899 to withhold normal shit, and that's where it starts to get sick. As 85 00:06:15.939 --> 00:06:23.250 you move on down the scale, they start withholding basic validation or even open 86 00:06:23.329 --> 00:06:28.730 discussion. So if someone is shutting you down and not discussing something, stone 87 00:06:28.730 --> 00:06:31.370 walling you, this is a bad sign. If this is happening in a 88 00:06:31.410 --> 00:06:38.839 committed relationship or, you know, marriage, something like that, then you 89 00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:43.680 got problems. So narcissist will shut you down because they've got no they got 90 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:48.350 nothing else. They've got no legitimate argument to the conversation. They can't control 91 00:06:48.470 --> 00:06:51.110 you. They're not getting their way. So they will just shut down the 92 00:06:51.230 --> 00:06:57.629 discussion, the walk away, slam a door, leave whatever, their stone 93 00:06:57.670 --> 00:07:01.060 walling you because they can't get down in the deep emotional trouble of whatever it's 94 00:07:01.100 --> 00:07:04.779 going to take to have a normal discussion with the human they just don't have 95 00:07:04.980 --> 00:07:09.860 those tools. A lot of times in this situation they also gas light you 96 00:07:10.579 --> 00:07:13.579 to try to get you think that the conversation is already over. We already 97 00:07:13.620 --> 00:07:15.250 had this discussion, we could we got to the bottom of this. You 98 00:07:15.370 --> 00:07:20.209 and I decided already those kind of conversational terms. Well, if they're saying 99 00:07:20.250 --> 00:07:24.689 that and that actually has not happened, their gas lighting you, which is, 100 00:07:24.769 --> 00:07:27.930 of course, is a common term that we apply to people like Narks, 101 00:07:28.529 --> 00:07:31.439 and then we'll get down to the line, which, outward line, 102 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:33.399 you know, it's making up a lie, is and quite the thing we're 103 00:07:33.399 --> 00:07:39.600 talking about here. What we're talking about is withholding the truth, especially by 104 00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:44.389 omission. If you ask somebody straight up question, of very pointed or specific 105 00:07:44.430 --> 00:07:48.029 question and they tell you half of the truth and purposefully leave off the other 106 00:07:48.149 --> 00:07:54.350 half for whatever reason, that's that's Lyne obviously, and with holding the truth 107 00:07:54.389 --> 00:07:58.389 is something else that narcissists do to control all the situations. Especially this is 108 00:07:58.660 --> 00:08:03.819 is another term called a future faking, whereas the narcissist knows that they're not 109 00:08:03.860 --> 00:08:07.579 going to get married to you, they know that they're not going to buy 110 00:08:07.620 --> 00:08:09.740 that house in the in the woods with you and do the thing that you 111 00:08:09.779 --> 00:08:13.329 guys thought of, you know, and planned all together. So narcissist with 112 00:08:13.529 --> 00:08:18.250 withhold the truth back. They're not telling you that they have another life somewhere 113 00:08:18.290 --> 00:08:22.529 else, that they have ongoing communications with that other life, that they have 114 00:08:22.689 --> 00:08:28.360 all this different plans in motion that don't include you. So withholding the truth 115 00:08:28.439 --> 00:08:31.879 often times will put the victim in danger, danger of, you know, 116 00:08:31.480 --> 00:08:37.039 losing other relationships, losing their homes, their jobs, all of those things. 117 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:39.159 So you got to be careful. And people are withholding the truth from 118 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:43.309 you. Obviously that should be a huge red flag if they're outwardly lying, 119 00:08:43.750 --> 00:08:48.750 but it's the subtle shit, it's the withholding stuff, especially the truth. 120 00:08:48.149 --> 00:08:50.669 And then, of course, the last one that most narks do when they 121 00:08:50.669 --> 00:08:54.980 have you trapped, they have you isolated, they have you removed from your 122 00:08:56.019 --> 00:08:58.019 friends and your family, nobody gets the call for some reason. That what 123 00:08:58.100 --> 00:09:03.419 he's getting through and people stop coming over, you live a little bit further 124 00:09:03.460 --> 00:09:07.820 away from everybody than you used to. Then they start with holding resources, 125 00:09:07.379 --> 00:09:11.450 like money, like phone calls, like you know, just go on down 126 00:09:11.490 --> 00:09:16.330 the list. They will do anything to control you. So with holding resources 127 00:09:16.490 --> 00:09:20.850 is huge and they'll get you often times in a spot where they want you 128 00:09:20.929 --> 00:09:26.720 to rely on them for those resources so that way they can completely control you. 129 00:09:26.279 --> 00:09:28.919 They don't like it, like marks don't like it when they're victims have 130 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:33.000 jobs that can actually earn their own money and have the freedom to do what 131 00:09:33.080 --> 00:09:37.240 they want. They fucking hate that. They'll lose their minds. They if 132 00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:39.230 they can't control you, they'll have to move on and they don't want to 133 00:09:39.269 --> 00:09:43.870 do that because it's hard, because they're like parasites that kind of live off 134 00:09:43.950 --> 00:09:48.230 the souls of other good humans, especially good humans that are givers. You 135 00:09:48.309 --> 00:09:52.419 know very if you're very giving person and very open with your time and effort 136 00:09:52.419 --> 00:09:58.419 and resources, narcissists will drill right into that, take all of your resources 137 00:09:58.779 --> 00:10:03.019 and then withhold them from you. So doesn't really work out too well. 138 00:10:03.059 --> 00:10:07.330 So you really got to be aware of all these little red flags when you're 139 00:10:07.370 --> 00:10:11.289 dealing with narcissists in general, but specifically, like the next time you're out 140 00:10:11.289 --> 00:10:18.690 and around. Who's withholding affection from you? Who's withholding normal compliments when they 141 00:10:18.690 --> 00:10:24.320 would be warranted? WHO's withholding validation and stonewalling discussions of important things that normal 142 00:10:24.360 --> 00:10:31.360 people would talk about? And then who's withholding the truth? And lastly, 143 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:37.429 most darkly, who is withholding resources from you? So gather all these people 144 00:10:37.470 --> 00:10:39.429 up and get them out of your lives. A lot of times you'll hear 145 00:10:39.470 --> 00:10:43.549 people say, man, I really seem to attract a lot of NARC narcissists 146 00:10:43.590 --> 00:10:46.230 in my life, and the reality is, no, you don't. You 147 00:10:46.389 --> 00:10:50.340 let them stay. So you have to let them go, or not even 148 00:10:50.340 --> 00:10:54.139 let them go, sometimes you'll have to push them out. If you got 149 00:10:54.259 --> 00:10:58.779 people in your life drain your soul from you, how long can that last? 150 00:10:58.299 --> 00:11:01.980 You've got to fix it. So be aware of things like this. 151 00:11:03.220 --> 00:11:07.610 You know, and you'll grow to be a stronger, more resilience kind of 152 00:11:07.649 --> 00:11:09.169 human. You know you have the grit that you read so much about. 153 00:11:09.210 --> 00:11:15.610 It's really just a matter of noticing the signs before they actually take hold and 154 00:11:15.730 --> 00:11:20.399 control your life. Oh and Hey, speaking of with holding affection, y'all 155 00:11:20.440 --> 00:11:26.240 fuckers should go leave me a review on apple podcast. Hello, there hasn't 156 00:11:26.279 --> 00:11:31.519 been review there. I'm like years, like two years. I know I'm 157 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:33.870 not generating tenzero new fans every month. This got to be the same you 158 00:11:35.029 --> 00:11:39.629 guys all the time. So, you know, consider stop with holding your 159 00:11:39.669 --> 00:11:43.429 affection. I know you're busy scrolling, you know, but the ten minutes 160 00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:48.059 you could take the scroll. Maybe take ten minutes once a week and go 161 00:11:48.259 --> 00:11:50.860 live. You know, a nice little comment or review on one of your 162 00:11:50.860 --> 00:11:54.700 favorite podcast or youtube channels. Are, you know, from on a book 163 00:11:54.740 --> 00:11:58.820 you read. You still read books, right. Well, leave the author 164 00:11:58.100 --> 00:12:01.730 a message. It's it wouldn't kill you, right, it's not going to 165 00:12:01.769 --> 00:12:03.889 kill you. I've heard people say, well, why do you even care? 166 00:12:03.970 --> 00:12:05.330 Why do you even compare? You know, I because everyone else is 167 00:12:05.409 --> 00:12:09.289 comparing me to the others. I'm not the one that's doing the comparing. 168 00:12:09.610 --> 00:12:13.649 I would just assume we not compare either. But when I get calls from 169 00:12:13.649 --> 00:12:16.519 advertisers and sponsors and people like that and so how can you don't have very 170 00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:18.919 many reviews, I'm like because I don't, don't really give a fuck, 171 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:24.759 honestly, and but they do. They care, they look at that stuff. 172 00:12:24.840 --> 00:12:28.240 So if they care and it affects me, so I guess by default 173 00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:33.070 I care. So you can care to. It's not that hard to leave 174 00:12:33.110 --> 00:12:35.509 review, is it? Or maybe you can't. I don't know, maybe 175 00:12:35.549 --> 00:12:39.230 you're incapable of caring. I've been through periods of my life where I just 176 00:12:39.269 --> 00:12:43.429 didn't give a fuck about anything either, so I get it. But what 177 00:12:43.509 --> 00:12:46.580 I don't get is like all tenzero of you don't care at the same time 178 00:12:46.779 --> 00:12:52.940 continually come on anyway. We're doing, I'm a cool thing we're remember I 179 00:12:52.100 --> 00:12:56.700 talked about bringing some of the F N ft artist back to do a follow 180 00:12:56.700 --> 00:13:01.090 up interview. Well, I think I'm going to do that actually on twitter. 181 00:13:01.289 --> 00:13:05.049 Will bring them back in twitter spaces and I'll interview them and then we 182 00:13:05.129 --> 00:13:09.809 can also take questions from people in the space with us. So if you're 183 00:13:09.809 --> 00:13:13.799 into that, go follow me at John Emotions and we'll probably do that next 184 00:13:13.799 --> 00:13:16.879 week or two. I got to hit them back up and let them know 185 00:13:16.679 --> 00:13:20.120 the plan. But have a for nft artist that all want to do follow 186 00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:24.720 up interviews and I think they would all totally be into do in a twitter 187 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:30.429 spaces around that whole thing. So Fuck Yeah, tomorrow's Monday. Let's get 188 00:13:30.429 --> 00:13:35.190 back at it and do our things right. Team work makes the dream work 189 00:13:35.389 --> 00:13:37.429 go leave a review. I'll talk to you the next week with my twitter 190 00:13:37.470 --> 00:13:41.259 spaces podcast. I'll actually record those and put those up in this space in 191 00:13:41.299 --> 00:13:45.500 the podcast feed. So let me know if you like those, if you 192 00:13:45.580 --> 00:13:48.460 hear them, let me know something you know. Send me a message in 193 00:13:48.539 --> 00:13:50.379 a bottle if you out there, if you can hear me, I'd love 194 00:13:50.419 --> 00:14:03.169 to hear from it's all I got. Have a great week fight, and 195 00:14:03.330 --> 00:14:05.169 now back to the wall.