Coming Out Crazy: Disclosing Our Hidden Differences

WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:03.960 Hey, what's up? I'm johnny emotions and this is the emoo Joe podcast. 2 00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:24.660 Today's episode is entitled Coming Out Crazy, disclosing our hidden differences, so 3 00:00:24.820 --> 00:00:28.859 check it out. I was online and met another podcast or named Katie, 4 00:00:29.500 --> 00:00:33.700 and we were talking back and forth and wanted to do a podcast together, 5 00:00:33.780 --> 00:00:38.450 but we weren't sure really what the topics should be. So since her podcast, 6 00:00:38.850 --> 00:00:43.329 connect with Katie, spelled with a K, connect and Katie as the 7 00:00:43.490 --> 00:00:49.289 letters Katie. So she has a podcast called connect with Katie which talks about 8 00:00:49.649 --> 00:00:56.119 mental health issues also, and I propose that we talked about the positives and 9 00:00:56.359 --> 00:01:00.799 negatives of, quote unquote, coming out crazy, and I was going to 10 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:03.709 cut it up into a bunch of different episodes because we talked for like an 11 00:01:03.790 --> 00:01:07.829 hour and a half or so, but as I started to listen to it, 12 00:01:07.909 --> 00:01:10.909 aside from a couple points where we just kind of well, I took 13 00:01:10.950 --> 00:01:14.150 a break, take a bomb rip and that sort of thing, but aside 14 00:01:14.189 --> 00:01:18.700 from that it's pretty cool interview intact. So I'm just going to let it 15 00:01:18.780 --> 00:01:22.579 play. As you can see when you downloaded this particular episode, it's extra 16 00:01:22.739 --> 00:01:26.420 long. That's just because I found the conversation engaging and did not really want 17 00:01:26.420 --> 00:01:32.060 to edit much up. So, without further ADO, this is my conversation 18 00:01:32.260 --> 00:01:38.090 with Katie from connect with Katie on coming out crazy, disclosing our hidden differences. 19 00:01:44.890 --> 00:01:47.799 My casts are all about. For me, I don't I'm not here, 20 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:49.120 like I told you, I'm not here to make a ton of money, 21 00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:53.920 like this is just a fun like making all these connections, everyone having 22 00:01:53.959 --> 00:01:57.920 these school, like you said, organic conversations that, you know, sometimes 23 00:01:57.959 --> 00:02:00.829 don't really have a purpose, but we're just here having fun, you know. 24 00:02:01.109 --> 00:02:04.469 Yeah, no, I totally agree, and it goes kind of goes 25 00:02:04.510 --> 00:02:07.629 back to that. Do you let your feelings out when you get angry or 26 00:02:08.430 --> 00:02:13.349 do you keep them in? And it's man and that it's the same fucking 27 00:02:13.389 --> 00:02:16.340 way like, especially with the podcast, because sometimes I let my feelings out 28 00:02:17.340 --> 00:02:21.819 and I mean to do that in that moment right like I have no other 29 00:02:21.860 --> 00:02:25.060 outlet. I don't go to confessional, there's not a dog to talk to 30 00:02:25.219 --> 00:02:28.379 around here, there's nothing that, so I just talking to a mic. 31 00:02:28.900 --> 00:02:34.650 Well, M after that, whatever episode ends, whatever kind of episode it 32 00:02:34.930 --> 00:02:40.330 is, I'm not sure if it's hyperactivity or Hypermania or spectrum bullshit it I 33 00:02:40.449 --> 00:02:44.560 don't know, because it there. They all blend together. But I know 34 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:47.919 when I'm in an episode and I know whatever I'm doing some shit now, 35 00:02:49.080 --> 00:02:53.360 that I have bad judgment. And Hmm, but you don't when you even 36 00:02:53.400 --> 00:02:55.520 if you know you have bad judgment in the moment, you don't really know 37 00:02:55.639 --> 00:03:00.550 which decisions are the bad ones. That's true. So, yeah, putting 38 00:03:00.550 --> 00:03:07.030 there some podcasts in all this and then week later I'm like, I said 39 00:03:07.030 --> 00:03:12.069 all that out loud. I'm like, I'm such a fragile little bitch and 40 00:03:12.229 --> 00:03:16.300 like then my current self hates my previous self and that's so unhealthy. Yeah, 41 00:03:17.060 --> 00:03:23.379 and sometimes I think my current self fears my future self too. Yeah, 42 00:03:23.460 --> 00:03:24.819 you know what I feel that? That's crazy that you say that, 43 00:03:24.900 --> 00:03:29.810 because I feel the same way. I think about because I and I think 44 00:03:29.849 --> 00:03:31.770 it's a confidence thing, to which I'm not, you know, we're I'm 45 00:03:31.849 --> 00:03:37.210 going to just be all open about everything on this on this particular episode. 46 00:03:38.169 --> 00:03:42.120 But you know, like I struggle with confidence still quite a bit, you 47 00:03:42.199 --> 00:03:45.599 know, and I struggle with like being able to, you know, like 48 00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:49.240 wake up every morning and just be in this great, like happy mood and, 49 00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:53.199 you know, just cheerful and you know, want to be around everybody, 50 00:03:53.319 --> 00:03:55.349 like I'm not. Like I'll have days where I literally will just be 51 00:03:55.590 --> 00:04:00.469 angry and I'll just I don't want to really do anything, I don't want 52 00:04:00.509 --> 00:04:03.189 to talk to anyone, you know, and it's nobody's fault, you know 53 00:04:03.229 --> 00:04:06.349 what I mean, like it really isn't anybody's fault, like it's really just 54 00:04:06.550 --> 00:04:12.020 it's me being angry at something and most of the time as me being angry 55 00:04:12.060 --> 00:04:15.699 at myself. That's the thing, right. Yeah, you mentioned fault and 56 00:04:15.780 --> 00:04:19.139 I a long time ago, when I first started reading about mental disorders or 57 00:04:19.139 --> 00:04:24.410 disease or when no dysfunctions, was the idea of blame and I'm like, 58 00:04:24.689 --> 00:04:29.009 wow, we don't need to blame anybody, nobody needs to blame anybody. 59 00:04:29.649 --> 00:04:31.970 So when, yeah, it gets really hard, when you're down on yourself, 60 00:04:32.129 --> 00:04:35.930 to not blame yourself. But it's also like when you, when you're 61 00:04:35.930 --> 00:04:42.279 starting to feel that way, angry at others, even though you don't blame 62 00:04:42.519 --> 00:04:47.439 them and you but you're still angry, people get defensive, I think, 63 00:04:47.639 --> 00:04:51.910 like family members. If you're angry, they'll think you're angry at them and 64 00:04:51.990 --> 00:04:55.589 I'm like no, no, I'm just erupting. I'm like, I'm mixed. 65 00:04:55.629 --> 00:04:59.430 I'm a volcano exploding on everything. I just happened to be around you, 66 00:04:59.629 --> 00:05:02.949 like. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry most at myself exactly. 67 00:05:03.509 --> 00:05:06.899 That's so frustrating because in you you kind of sense it while you're in 68 00:05:06.939 --> 00:05:12.100 the moment too, like you mentioned, when you get up in the morning, 69 00:05:12.259 --> 00:05:16.259 like and not even just being happy, but being functional at all. 70 00:05:16.540 --> 00:05:19.779 I wake up either, yeah, in a state of panic, like that 71 00:05:19.899 --> 00:05:24.170 falling feeling when you fall from a dream and then wake up. That feeling 72 00:05:24.209 --> 00:05:27.410 with me starts when I wake up. I wish I could stay sleeping, 73 00:05:27.410 --> 00:05:30.810 because the moment I've gained consciousness now, life starts rushing at me. Some 74 00:05:30.889 --> 00:05:33.370 days, and if I just want to pull the covers over my head, 75 00:05:33.410 --> 00:05:36.720 saying no, Go away, Yep, and you just want to lay in 76 00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:41.839 bed all day long. High, yeah, yeah, like you don't even 77 00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:46.399 care if you have any interaction. I got only see how people become homeless, 78 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:51.069 like truly acceptant homeless label, because it gets so easy to say fuck 79 00:05:51.149 --> 00:05:56.029 this, if feels so I'm suffering so hard in my own mind that I 80 00:05:56.230 --> 00:05:59.910 just don't care if I go to work, I don't care if I get 81 00:05:59.949 --> 00:06:02.029 fired. I don't care if there's no gas in the car or Internet, 82 00:06:02.069 --> 00:06:04.540 or I don't care if I have a you just though you can't function. 83 00:06:04.579 --> 00:06:08.860 You don't care about those things. I guess it's like maybe I've never had 84 00:06:08.860 --> 00:06:10.939 a heart attack, but when, in the middle of a heart attack, 85 00:06:10.980 --> 00:06:15.339 are you worried about paying the rent? I doubt it and I don't people 86 00:06:15.379 --> 00:06:19.050 don't take around until. Yeah, I don't think people take mental illnesses that 87 00:06:19.170 --> 00:06:23.850 seriously because they're they're invisible. Well, a heart attack is invisible too, 88 00:06:24.009 --> 00:06:28.329 but he don't know. Seems kind of fucked up that you can never quite 89 00:06:28.370 --> 00:06:31.490 convey how much you're suffering. And everybody's level of suffering and what they can 90 00:06:31.490 --> 00:06:36.000 endure is different, which makes it, like I said, even from fucking 91 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:41.680 week to week, my future self will be an asshole to my previous self. 92 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:46.759 Definitely. That's hard to get track. Know that that's something that I 93 00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:49.670 do all the time. I'm always and it's and it's not even just you 94 00:06:49.750 --> 00:06:53.589 know about that, but it's like the the thoughts that I have, like 95 00:06:53.790 --> 00:06:57.790 I have the like racing thoughts all the time that I have to do this 96 00:06:58.029 --> 00:07:00.389 and I find myself saying I need to do this all the time. I 97 00:07:00.660 --> 00:07:03.459 have to do this, I need to do this, and I and then 98 00:07:03.579 --> 00:07:08.779 when I really I'm more mindful, I try to be. I'm not always 99 00:07:08.819 --> 00:07:12.500 going to be. When I try to be mindful in those situations, like 100 00:07:12.620 --> 00:07:15.579 I'm like why do I need to do this or why do I have to 101 00:07:15.699 --> 00:07:16.449 do that? You know, I mean this is the kind of stuff that 102 00:07:16.529 --> 00:07:20.129 I struggle with. I'm literally almost a daily basis. It's just like the 103 00:07:20.649 --> 00:07:25.649 it's like a it's almost like an adhd thing. I've never been diagnosed with 104 00:07:25.689 --> 00:07:30.000 it, but sometimes I really just feel like I have hyperactivity, like crazy, 105 00:07:30.040 --> 00:07:35.120 yeah, and that it takes. It's tough when your inner monolog uses 106 00:07:35.240 --> 00:07:38.519 those words like a fuck, I need to get this done, I need 107 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:42.839 I don't know where that comes from. I have that too. Do I 108 00:07:42.920 --> 00:07:46.829 wait until things become a need before I start internalizing that? Talk with myself, 109 00:07:46.829 --> 00:07:48.790 because I don't. Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't realize. 110 00:07:48.829 --> 00:07:51.629 I think I want something. I want this, I want that. 111 00:07:53.149 --> 00:07:56.670 I don't mind. My inner monolog doesn't talk about wants. It's always neat, 112 00:07:56.790 --> 00:07:59.819 it's this, always suffer, fucking there's it's a pressing need. I'll 113 00:07:59.899 --> 00:08:01.060 fuck, I gotta got to make a new list of things to do. 114 00:08:01.139 --> 00:08:05.740 I got so many things to do. Yes, but why? Yeah, 115 00:08:05.980 --> 00:08:07.459 it is. It's a lie. We're just trying to like a rat in 116 00:08:07.540 --> 00:08:11.180 a race in this capitalist society, and oftentimes I'm you know, I'm not 117 00:08:11.339 --> 00:08:15.170 anti capitalist, we're just stuck in it. So I'm trying to play the 118 00:08:15.250 --> 00:08:18.370 game. But when you have a dysfunctioning mind, makes it kind of fucked 119 00:08:18.410 --> 00:08:22.529 up. You've yearned for old days when they probably sat around in togas on 120 00:08:22.649 --> 00:08:26.560 steps and the grapes and just pontificated about stuff. I'm like, yeah, 121 00:08:26.600 --> 00:08:33.720 I would, you know, probably succeed in those times. Yeah, but 122 00:08:33.879 --> 00:08:37.240 not see it in yeah, and you're yeah, you're talking about like going 123 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:39.240 B see, that's what I and I feel like that's a in kind of 124 00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:43.190 go under, like a spiritual thing. I don't know if you are spiritual 125 00:08:43.190 --> 00:08:46.870 at all. Sure, just going back and I feel like we're kind of, 126 00:08:46.350 --> 00:08:48.789 you know, like old souls, people that talk like that, that 127 00:08:50.350 --> 00:08:52.830 feel like they belong and kind of like a different era. Like there they 128 00:08:52.870 --> 00:08:56.940 would have just succeeded, you know, and just done such great things, 129 00:08:58.100 --> 00:09:03.100 because mental illness never really like people didn't know what it was. Then not 130 00:09:03.379 --> 00:09:07.100 differently and called an illness, you know, right exactly. We were like 131 00:09:07.139 --> 00:09:11.289 called disordered exactly, and and that's the you know, and kind of bring 132 00:09:11.330 --> 00:09:16.970 that up to on like today. You know, we people that are dysfunctional 133 00:09:18.090 --> 00:09:20.809 or have what we're talking about right now. I mean, there's so many 134 00:09:20.850 --> 00:09:26.519 different labels for, you know, so many thoughts and actions and behaviors and 135 00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:31.720 Oh, you have this because you do that, and and it's becomes so 136 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:35.279 common for people to just put a label on you that and I think that 137 00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:37.789 that's what, you know, how we were going to talk about the pros 138 00:09:37.870 --> 00:09:43.909 and cons and I think like the biggest like a con for me is that 139 00:09:45.789 --> 00:09:48.110 I feel, you know, not with you, but I feel scared to 140 00:09:48.149 --> 00:09:52.419 even admit that I think that I have several disorders, you know, not 141 00:09:52.659 --> 00:09:56.019 just one, and I'm in a in like why do I feel like I 142 00:09:56.100 --> 00:10:00.779 should label myself with those? But I also feel like it's okay to come 143 00:10:00.820 --> 00:10:03.779 out and say that you have things that you think would be considered a disorder. 144 00:10:05.419 --> 00:10:07.769 For sure. Yeah, you know, in the hindsight, having gone 145 00:10:07.809 --> 00:10:11.049 to doctors for twenty five, thirty years, and that's not even counting the 146 00:10:11.129 --> 00:10:15.690 Times that I went as a child where I went once and my parents didn't 147 00:10:15.690 --> 00:10:20.129 want to hear it so they never took me back. But I put all 148 00:10:20.169 --> 00:10:22.639 the pieces together afterwards. But still there's like a good chunk of most of 149 00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:26.759 my life, from the time I'm like five years old and tell them twenty, 150 00:10:26.799 --> 00:10:30.799 five, thirty years old were I thought I was just fucking weird and 151 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:35.309 like yeah, I was just trying to chase all these substance abuse things, 152 00:10:35.710 --> 00:10:41.870 like I'm totally a cannabis I love we right. Oh Yeah, me too, 153 00:10:41.110 --> 00:10:45.470 definitely now, but I don't consider after all the research and all the 154 00:10:45.710 --> 00:10:48.470 experience, this is one of the least problems I've ever had. There was 155 00:10:48.549 --> 00:10:52.740 a period in my life, though, where alcohol was a problem. When 156 00:10:52.740 --> 00:10:54.539 I was a kid, like a fourteen fifteen year old, it was anything 157 00:10:54.539 --> 00:10:58.740 I could ingest that did not involve a needle. If I could smoke it, 158 00:10:58.779 --> 00:11:01.259 drink it or put it in my mouth, I was doing it and 159 00:11:01.299 --> 00:11:05.850 I didn't know why. When I got old enough and went to a doctor 160 00:11:05.889 --> 00:11:09.129 and started seeing therapist, they're all like, oh, that's called self medicating. 161 00:11:09.169 --> 00:11:11.889 You were just trying to ease your own suffering, and I'm like, 162 00:11:11.210 --> 00:11:16.690 Oh, I get it, I get it. And then it was weird 163 00:11:16.730 --> 00:11:22.399 thing. was almost like someone flash the magic fairy wand and I stopped using 164 00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:24.720 those drugs because I think, oh no, it's whatever, I'm not suffering 165 00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:30.919 that bad to suffer the fate of addiction. Like I realized the risk. 166 00:11:31.950 --> 00:11:35.190 So odd. Yeah, no, yeah, that, and that's what because 167 00:11:35.190 --> 00:11:41.070 I didn't, I wasn't really I didn't get into, you know, drugs 168 00:11:41.110 --> 00:11:43.350 and alcohol until I was like eighteen, but I knew, you know, 169 00:11:43.669 --> 00:11:48.580 when I was like twelve years old, you know, till I was like 170 00:11:48.740 --> 00:11:52.940 sixteen, it started to really I could really tell that something was kind of 171 00:11:52.980 --> 00:11:56.980 wrong with me and I tried to reach out in different ways to my parents, 172 00:11:58.100 --> 00:12:01.649 but I don't think that they I think that they were just trying to 173 00:12:01.730 --> 00:12:03.570 hide the fact that I thought that something was wrong, if that makes any 174 00:12:03.610 --> 00:12:07.809 sense. Like they just tried to put me in sports and things to try 175 00:12:07.850 --> 00:12:13.889 to to to distract me, you know what I'm saying? Like it wasn't 176 00:12:13.929 --> 00:12:18.320 necessarily something that I wanted to do growing up. And then as soon as 177 00:12:18.320 --> 00:12:20.440 I was able and I moved out like immediately when I was seventeen, right 178 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:24.440 about to be eighteen, and I just went down that path of just just 179 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:30.029 alcoholism, like just drinking every day, smoking, you know, anywhere from 180 00:12:30.070 --> 00:12:31.990 cocaine, just you know, I did. I did lots of stuff. 181 00:12:31.990 --> 00:12:35.789 I didn't do, you know, I didn't do a lot of pills and 182 00:12:35.870 --> 00:12:37.629 stuff like that, but I tried stuff. You know what I mean? 183 00:12:37.750 --> 00:12:41.029 Yeah, I got messed up all the time, to parties and just take 184 00:12:41.110 --> 00:12:45.100 whatever people. Yeah, out for sure, YEP, exactly, and not 185 00:12:45.299 --> 00:12:48.539 hanging out with good people, I mean getting myself in situations that I could 186 00:12:48.580 --> 00:12:52.019 have gotten in some real trouble. You know what I mean? Right, 187 00:12:52.100 --> 00:12:56.100 right, and how many times did you not die? Like I can't even 188 00:12:56.220 --> 00:12:58.529 hate the amount times I said, WHOA, I didn't die, and then 189 00:12:58.610 --> 00:13:03.250 sometimes the people had died in those situations, like fuck, why wasn't it 190 00:13:03.370 --> 00:13:05.409 me and why didn't I learn? Like I kept at it for like ten 191 00:13:05.450 --> 00:13:11.409 years. He's like a fifteen to twenty four. Such a mess. Yeah, 192 00:13:11.730 --> 00:13:13.679 so, yeah, so there is something to be said about at least 193 00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:18.360 being diagnosed, but like, do you accept the label? So what I 194 00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:22.559 meant to touch on a second ago was that so throughout my say, young 195 00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:28.429 adulthood, I got diagnosed with all kinds of things and I'm like, oh 196 00:13:28.509 --> 00:13:30.990 well, there's pills for that. They all they're are like here's a pill 197 00:13:31.070 --> 00:13:33.750 for this, but some of the things there aren't pills, and some of 198 00:13:33.789 --> 00:13:37.309 the things it's arguable that they're disorders. They're just differences and you shouldn't try 199 00:13:37.309 --> 00:13:39.549 to treat them at all. So I'm like, well, what the fuck? 200 00:13:39.629 --> 00:13:45.779 They all have similar what do you call that? Symptoms? Like let's 201 00:13:45.820 --> 00:13:48.340 yeah, or they display because if it's not a problem that it's not a 202 00:13:48.419 --> 00:13:54.379 symptom. But I mean they all display similar attributes. Let's say. Yeah, 203 00:13:54.419 --> 00:13:56.129 I'm like, well, fuck it. Am I m just distracted because 204 00:13:56.210 --> 00:14:00.970 I'm hyper? Or is this manic episode that's starting? I'm like, what 205 00:14:01.090 --> 00:14:03.970 the fuck? Or do I have a personality disorder and I'm just making all 206 00:14:05.049 --> 00:14:07.929 this shit up and there go like or what am I? What the fuck? 207 00:14:09.009 --> 00:14:11.519 That lave? That laughing, because it's not, because it's but that's 208 00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:13.879 just, yeah, I struggle. Yeah, that same thing, like I'm 209 00:14:13.960 --> 00:14:18.519 just I'm like, oh my gosh, that's me, like totally, yeah, 210 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:20.519 but at the end, at the end. I'm not at the end 211 00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:24.750 now, but I'm at the end of this fucking experimentation with medication, that's 212 00:14:24.789 --> 00:14:26.789 for sure. And wearing labels. I'm like, well, fuck, let's 213 00:14:26.789 --> 00:14:31.029 go to the core of everything. What am I trying to do and what 214 00:14:31.149 --> 00:14:35.309 it really is up? I'm just trying to regulate my emotions and the way 215 00:14:35.429 --> 00:14:37.980 I fit into the world. So what do you call that? Any of 216 00:14:39.059 --> 00:14:43.539 the disorders or brain different brain to functions? Cool, it doesn't matter what 217 00:14:43.700 --> 00:14:46.460 other people call them, it matters how I think of them exactly. And 218 00:14:46.539 --> 00:14:50.539 then I start to realize weight I'm just still a fucking normal Weirdo, like 219 00:14:50.779 --> 00:14:54.289 teenager before I ever got diagnosed. I'm just older and I know more now. 220 00:14:56.049 --> 00:14:58.370 It's great. I guess that's fine, because then you can make conscious 221 00:14:58.370 --> 00:15:03.250 decisions, but it still doesn't it doesn't eliminate the problem. Like if there's 222 00:15:03.250 --> 00:15:07.799 chemical dysfunctions and my synapses are misfiring, that's still going on, but I've 223 00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:11.559 learned to not overreact to that, I guess, is the best way to 224 00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:16.120 say it. HMM, do you, if you don't mind me asking, 225 00:15:16.279 --> 00:15:20.039 like, do you take any prescribed medication for anything? No, the last 226 00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:28.590 ones I took were concerta for adhd okay, but that started to raise my 227 00:15:28.629 --> 00:15:31.830 blood pressure and they're like yeah, I heard of that, and like because 228 00:15:31.830 --> 00:15:35.779 it's basically speed. Yeah, like well, I'd rather not, because they're 229 00:15:35.820 --> 00:15:39.179 like, but you can take blood pressure pills, like no, how about 230 00:15:39.580 --> 00:15:43.500 I take neither and just deal with my spazziness? And they're like, well, 231 00:15:43.539 --> 00:15:46.539 you can do that. It's not really affecting you, is it? 232 00:15:46.620 --> 00:15:48.620 And I'm like well, aside from the fact that I fucking move every year 233 00:15:48.700 --> 00:15:52.370 and can't hold down a steady job and people think I'm weird, Nah, 234 00:15:52.450 --> 00:15:56.370 it doesn't affect me at all. Oh my Gosh, man. Yeah, 235 00:15:56.769 --> 00:15:58.610 so they're like okay, we'll keep coming to therapy and I was in a 236 00:15:58.649 --> 00:16:02.570 small town and the therapist is like here, you can go to our church 237 00:16:02.730 --> 00:16:07.039 group. Oh my God, you fucking kid might like that. That that's 238 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:10.399 wow. I'm like, I'm not a churchy person the whole. And Right, 239 00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:12.399 I do not tell her. This town was so small and had way 240 00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:18.360 more churches than liquor stores, some like banks, and I just left really 241 00:16:18.519 --> 00:16:22.350 dejected. Oh my gosh, yeah, I couldn't do that either. I'm 242 00:16:22.389 --> 00:16:25.350 not, I'm not at not that. I'm not hating that any religion ever. 243 00:16:25.509 --> 00:16:26.669 No, no, no, it's begin it's night. More of that 244 00:16:26.750 --> 00:16:30.710 out of tied and not for me. Yeah, I tried I was raised 245 00:16:30.950 --> 00:16:34.340 by Southern Baptist. When I was a young kid, went to vacation Bible 246 00:16:34.379 --> 00:16:37.139 School. I think I won contest, you know, name and all the 247 00:16:37.179 --> 00:16:41.299 books of the Bible up till about, you know, seven or eight years 248 00:16:41.340 --> 00:16:47.850 old. Cool, HMM, Yep. He just kind of like it was 249 00:16:47.970 --> 00:16:52.809 that Church camp, however, questioning things. It really opened my mind. 250 00:16:52.169 --> 00:16:56.129 Here's the cool thing. At Church camp when I was about fourth grade, 251 00:16:57.409 --> 00:17:04.480 a kid in my cabin snuck in some contraband. He brought in fucking kiss 252 00:17:04.599 --> 00:17:08.759 cards, like baseball cards, but with kiss on them and they had like 253 00:17:08.920 --> 00:17:14.880 Gene Simmons spitting blood and throwing fire out of his mouth and, Oh my 254 00:17:15.039 --> 00:17:18.150 God, Peter Chris on the drum said, exploding, all this stuff. 255 00:17:18.190 --> 00:17:19.789 I like, what the fuck are these? Dude? I didn't talk like 256 00:17:19.869 --> 00:17:25.109 that in fourth grade yet. Blew my mind. Then when we got back 257 00:17:25.109 --> 00:17:27.230 from camp a couple days later, he turned me on to this album he 258 00:17:27.309 --> 00:17:32.859 had hidden in his closet. It was like Satanic Kiss Music and like Whoa 259 00:17:32.980 --> 00:17:36.140 Fuck, yeah, this is also like half superheroes, Half Rock Stars, 260 00:17:36.819 --> 00:17:40.059 and that was the end for me, like we're going to the dark side 261 00:17:40.099 --> 00:17:45.089 people. That's hilarious. We're going to the dark side people, and it 262 00:17:45.210 --> 00:17:49.049 was over. That's it took me a while to extract myself. It was 263 00:17:49.130 --> 00:17:52.569 a series of Sundays where I tried to coerce my mom to let me stay 264 00:17:52.609 --> 00:17:57.130 home with dad to, quote unquote, Watch football or watch the three stooges 265 00:17:57.170 --> 00:18:00.319 or whatever, but the moment she went to church with my sister, my 266 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:03.880 dad would watch football and I would go upstairs and fucking rock out to my 267 00:18:03.920 --> 00:18:12.269 kiss record. That's hilarious. All right, let's take a quick break and 268 00:18:12.990 --> 00:19:18.549 listen to a little deep cut from the dark side. But yeah, see, 269 00:19:18.589 --> 00:19:25.019 I'm from from a little small town in Michigan, so I'm not used 270 00:19:25.059 --> 00:19:26.380 to I mean, I moved out to the city because I like what I 271 00:19:26.500 --> 00:19:30.940 would consider even you probably would be like, you have no idea what a 272 00:19:30.019 --> 00:19:33.380 city no, no, I'm not snobby that way because I grew up, 273 00:19:33.500 --> 00:19:36.420 I started in the suburbs. I'm just curious and I get kicked out of 274 00:19:36.500 --> 00:19:40.450 places, so I just will fucking want to go explore. Hmm, tell 275 00:19:40.529 --> 00:19:44.809 me about where you grew up. So I grew up in well, you 276 00:19:44.890 --> 00:19:47.930 know where Michigan is, sure, and like the middle. Well, do 277 00:19:48.009 --> 00:19:49.769 you know where Detroit or Flynn is? Yeah, both, of course. 278 00:19:51.089 --> 00:19:56.720 Okay. So, more closer in between Flint and Lansing, not Flint in 279 00:19:56.759 --> 00:20:00.640 Detroit, but I like I'm closer to Flint Detroit area. That's why I'm 280 00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:03.240 saying that. But before, like growing up I was, I lived in 281 00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:07.109 between Flint and lansing, in between an area right there. It was a 282 00:20:07.230 --> 00:20:11.390 small town in Corona, you know, not a lot of culture, but 283 00:20:11.549 --> 00:20:17.349 the only reason that I did experience cultures because my mom, my birth mom, 284 00:20:18.150 --> 00:20:21.460 she she lived near Detroit. So like I'd go in and see her 285 00:20:21.500 --> 00:20:23.740 every other weekend, you know, so that'd be so I kind of got 286 00:20:23.819 --> 00:20:27.059 like, you know, a mix of both. Were both worlds for a 287 00:20:27.099 --> 00:20:32.140 little while, and then that's what encouraged me to when I got when I 288 00:20:32.700 --> 00:20:36.970 got older, to move closer or to not necessarily flint, but like grhand 289 00:20:37.009 --> 00:20:40.809 blank area. And then I started finding myself, you know, hanging out 290 00:20:40.809 --> 00:20:45.730 with people in the Troy and Ann Arbor and, you know, just exploring 291 00:20:45.809 --> 00:20:49.880 and not necessarily moving around because I was trying to figure my life out. 292 00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:52.160 You know, like I said, from me good and I had it. 293 00:20:52.559 --> 00:20:56.720 I had a daughter, you know what I mean, and that's what I'm 294 00:20:56.759 --> 00:20:59.480 saying, that's just how my world was like, just in and out of 295 00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:03.039 different kinds of things and going to college and taking forever to go to college 296 00:21:03.079 --> 00:21:07.269 because I was had what I am, you know, not afraid to say 297 00:21:07.269 --> 00:21:11.190 any more. Mental illness, you know, illnesses, I was say, 298 00:21:11.309 --> 00:21:15.910 going to college and trying to focus and failing and you know what I mean, 299 00:21:17.150 --> 00:21:19.339 just all kinds of crazy stuff. How do you? How do you 300 00:21:19.460 --> 00:21:23.019 differentiate those terms? Okay, so, for example, there's week say mental 301 00:21:23.059 --> 00:21:27.740 illness, we say mental disorder and we say like brain dysfunction, or I 302 00:21:27.900 --> 00:21:33.130 even say no right differences. But Um, go ahead. Yeah, I 303 00:21:33.329 --> 00:21:36.890 know. Honestly, I don't. You know, I don't even like to 304 00:21:36.970 --> 00:21:41.769 say the term because I there's actually a conversation that I was just having with 305 00:21:41.890 --> 00:21:45.490 someone about the label and the no label, because why do I have to 306 00:21:45.609 --> 00:21:48.680 have any sort of label on me? I'm just a human, you know, 307 00:21:48.759 --> 00:21:51.640 and I just act. We all act differently and we all have something 308 00:21:51.720 --> 00:21:53.200 different about us, right, so I just try to tell myself that, 309 00:21:55.680 --> 00:22:02.150 but I hate even like thinking of the word bipolar or Adhd or you know 310 00:22:02.269 --> 00:22:04.670 whatever, like personality disorders. You know, all think things like that. 311 00:22:04.750 --> 00:22:08.269 I don't anxiety, depression, like why does it have to be that? 312 00:22:08.990 --> 00:22:14.029 I don't know, because society made it that way, but it doesn't. 313 00:22:14.230 --> 00:22:18.779 But I don't necessarily like saying that it is a mental illness or that I 314 00:22:18.900 --> 00:22:23.220 brought that up, because some to. Well, here's what the differentiation I 315 00:22:23.299 --> 00:22:27.500 think is. I think if it's a illness, it can be treated and 316 00:22:27.700 --> 00:22:30.730 cured. And I guess what you're saying. Okay, that's if it's a 317 00:22:30.809 --> 00:22:37.210 disorder, you stuck with it. But then are some disorders miss classified as 318 00:22:37.289 --> 00:22:41.170 disorders because there's no negative out of it? But what society puts on it? 319 00:22:42.130 --> 00:22:45.559 Right as burghers in particular. That's one of the more popular ones that 320 00:22:47.319 --> 00:22:49.960 lots of people have. But is it a disorder at all, or is 321 00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:55.880 it just we're different, you know. But moving back to bipolar, for 322 00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:59.869 example, disorder, there's nothing that can quote unquote cure that. That's why 323 00:22:59.910 --> 00:23:04.390 it's so damaging when doctors say you have that. Same with borderline personality disorder, 324 00:23:04.430 --> 00:23:07.549 all of the personality disorders, there's no quote Unquote Cure. You can't 325 00:23:07.549 --> 00:23:12.420 really tick it a pill for it. But then backing up to depression or 326 00:23:12.460 --> 00:23:18.859 anxiety, definitely an illness in this context, I guess, because you can't 327 00:23:18.859 --> 00:23:22.619 take a pill for depression and if it's common depression and you work your way 328 00:23:22.619 --> 00:23:26.289 out using the pill to help you and get some therapy, you can then 329 00:23:26.329 --> 00:23:32.329 stop taking the pill and you not depressed necessarily. HMM. It's same with 330 00:23:32.329 --> 00:23:34.210 anxiety. You can take a pill to reduce your anxiety at the moment you 331 00:23:34.329 --> 00:23:40.210 have it. So I think that's where it gets muddy, because those don't 332 00:23:40.210 --> 00:23:45.119 seem as stigmatized, the things that you can take a pill and cure right, 333 00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:48.519 as much as the ones that, the further down you go into the 334 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:52.799 discussion, it's like, well, those really that's why I started focusing on 335 00:23:53.000 --> 00:24:00.190 labeling my emotions, labeling my feelings, instead of labeling the dysfunction, because 336 00:24:00.190 --> 00:24:04.349 the dysfunction gets changed, like every forty or fifty years, they come up 337 00:24:04.390 --> 00:24:10.900 with a new name for it anyway, like that's not accurate. Yeah, 338 00:24:10.980 --> 00:24:12.579 no, right, they and then they, you know, they did all 339 00:24:12.779 --> 00:24:17.539 different kinds of tests and back in the day, with people different doing different 340 00:24:17.579 --> 00:24:19.980 things to their brain and you know, and then we came up with medication. 341 00:24:21.140 --> 00:24:26.369 But I wanted to say, you know, touching on taking medication, 342 00:24:26.809 --> 00:24:33.970 you know, for anxiety and depression. And when you know my doctor and 343 00:24:33.490 --> 00:24:37.730 therapist really you know, you know, we think we have bipolar blah, 344 00:24:37.730 --> 00:24:41.039 Blah Blah, and we want to give you this kind of medication for your 345 00:24:41.119 --> 00:24:45.839 anger and this medication for your depression and Blah, Blah Blah. And I 346 00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.799 was taking I can't even remember everything that I took, but it was always 347 00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:56.309 a different symptom that I had. So, like, let's say, for 348 00:24:56.390 --> 00:24:59.710 example, example, you know, I was taking so loaf or something. 349 00:25:00.670 --> 00:25:06.630 I would have the side effects. That would be not the worst side effects 350 00:25:06.630 --> 00:25:10.500 of the medication, obviously, because you know people can have super bad reactions 351 00:25:10.539 --> 00:25:15.339 of medication, but I'm just saying that I would have other symptoms so where 352 00:25:15.339 --> 00:25:18.380 I would have to take other medication. Yeah, yes, is that? 353 00:25:18.500 --> 00:25:22.089 That's, you know, so that it would keep up with the medication that 354 00:25:22.130 --> 00:25:23.250 I was taking. And I'm like, but I don't want to be on 355 00:25:23.369 --> 00:25:27.529 all this medication like this is, you know, in the therapy like that. 356 00:25:27.609 --> 00:25:32.049 It wasn't doing anything for me because I just kept bringing up like emotions, 357 00:25:32.170 --> 00:25:34.210 you know, things that I didn't really think we're getting me. I 358 00:25:34.289 --> 00:25:37.960 didn't feel better, you know what I mean? I just I just was 359 00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:40.839 right there better if it's not working, it's not working. You have to 360 00:25:40.880 --> 00:25:42.720 give I mean, I'm not anti meds for any I'm looking through my notes 361 00:25:42.799 --> 00:25:47.119 here. Somewhere in my notes on my laptop I have a list of all 362 00:25:47.160 --> 00:25:51.109 the MED's I take. There's about fifteen there. At least half of them 363 00:25:51.109 --> 00:25:55.549 are antipsychotics. One of them in particular, called La Michtel, has a 364 00:25:55.670 --> 00:26:03.109 nasty side effect that I caught that nobody mentioned, which was meningitis. Yeah, 365 00:26:03.269 --> 00:26:04.859 see, that was one of mine. That was one of the ones. 366 00:26:04.900 --> 00:26:07.500 That is some don't even want to Oh my gosh, you got it. 367 00:26:07.900 --> 00:26:11.099 Yeah, yeah, we couldn't figure out what was wrong with me how 368 00:26:11.259 --> 00:26:14.099 I had a fever. My neck was just killing me and like why is 369 00:26:14.140 --> 00:26:18.930 my neckert? I never have headaches. So yeah, I had I think 370 00:26:18.009 --> 00:26:22.809 it's viral meningitis from La Mittel. Don't I don't. Don't quote me on 371 00:26:22.809 --> 00:26:26.089 the viral part, but it's some kind of meningitis. And you read the 372 00:26:26.130 --> 00:26:30.970 Black Label on Michtel and sure enough, Lamotrigene, whatever you want to call 373 00:26:30.970 --> 00:26:33.759 it, the same med. Yeah, that's a side effect that you can't 374 00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:37.079 have. It's rare. Most of people they worry about the rash on the 375 00:26:37.160 --> 00:26:41.200 Michtel. I never got ye, but I did get the the other one. 376 00:26:42.000 --> 00:26:45.119 Yeah, I think that was the one that she put me on, 377 00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:48.950 because I looked. I actually, because I always, always, always did 378 00:26:48.069 --> 00:26:52.869 research on the medication that I got. When I started to thought, you 379 00:26:52.950 --> 00:26:55.549 know, when I started to have side effects, because like something is wrong, 380 00:26:55.710 --> 00:26:57.589 you know, it's not just me, like it's this medicine. So 381 00:26:57.710 --> 00:27:00.900 then I when I started doing research, and it was that La Mictl or 382 00:27:00.940 --> 00:27:06.140 whatever. I know I was on that one and I remember looking it up 383 00:27:06.299 --> 00:27:10.539 in it said the meningitis, viralmaningitis, and I'm like, nope, I 384 00:27:10.579 --> 00:27:12.900 can't do this, I'm done. I don't care, like I can't take 385 00:27:12.980 --> 00:27:18.089 this medication right. This is scary. I it's not worth it to me. 386 00:27:18.609 --> 00:27:21.369 And just knowing that, it's almost like it hurt my neck, like 387 00:27:21.490 --> 00:27:25.730 I literally would like. It's like my Molo didn't change. I don't see 388 00:27:25.769 --> 00:27:29.930 it differently. I'm not hungover. What the fuck is wrong with my neck? 389 00:27:30.519 --> 00:27:32.839 HMM, yeah, that was I found my list, so check it 390 00:27:32.920 --> 00:27:37.400 out. Here's all the things I've tried for the various things they've accused me 391 00:27:37.440 --> 00:27:44.470 of, I mean diagnosed me with right abilify adder acts. So Alexa, 392 00:27:44.630 --> 00:27:49.069 Symbalta, depict effects, her La Michtel, Latuda, lexa, Pro Uranton, 393 00:27:49.430 --> 00:27:53.150 which is Gabapenton Sarah Quel. That's the first thing they give most people 394 00:27:53.190 --> 00:28:00.140 and they lose their mind. Try Leptol, viberate, in Cyprexa. Those 395 00:28:00.180 --> 00:28:03.740 are the all the ones that had negative or no effect. And then I 396 00:28:03.859 --> 00:28:08.900 tried, with positive effect, Concerta, medical cannabis, riddling and Zo Loft. 397 00:28:11.259 --> 00:28:15.809 So what was the first thing? You said, the very top one, 398 00:28:15.329 --> 00:28:21.609 HMM abilify, and that was the one that you had the night of 399 00:28:21.690 --> 00:28:23.849 the all the negative effects on that list, you said Yeah, yeah, 400 00:28:25.569 --> 00:28:27.720 and I cannab it. Yeah, I cannabis is definitely I don't take any 401 00:28:30.359 --> 00:28:33.319 prescribed medication right now because the they just threw so many at me that I 402 00:28:33.480 --> 00:28:37.759 was just like, I'm gonna just gonna smoke weed and I don't know how 403 00:28:38.200 --> 00:28:41.390 in the Fug my fiance deals with me. I really don't, not going 404 00:28:41.430 --> 00:28:44.869 to lie to you. Sometimes I'm just like, how how do you? 405 00:28:44.950 --> 00:28:49.069 How do you do with this every day? Yeah, well, understanding. 406 00:28:49.109 --> 00:28:52.710 People know that there is a good side and usually outways the bad. And 407 00:28:52.789 --> 00:28:56.660 also you sound really aware right. You're aware of your condition. Whereas so 408 00:28:56.740 --> 00:29:00.819 many people that have mental health problems don't deal with them at all and it 409 00:29:00.940 --> 00:29:06.140 just they spew them out all over without any accountability. So you certainly sound 410 00:29:06.220 --> 00:29:10.809 like your accountable to your to your condition. Wrong. Definitely. Definitely. 411 00:29:10.849 --> 00:29:14.890 I try to. I always try to. I don't know if you do 412 00:29:15.049 --> 00:29:18.849 this or not, but I try to meditate and it's I struggle, but 413 00:29:18.970 --> 00:29:23.009 I just I make myself at least do like five minutes to day. I'm 414 00:29:23.009 --> 00:29:26.359 like, if I can do this, if I can sit down and I 415 00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:30.680 can do five minutes of meditating a day, I don't even care if it 416 00:29:30.759 --> 00:29:33.440 takes me a year to get this down. I'm like, if I can 417 00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:37.119 do this, you know, for a salad like year, then I know 418 00:29:37.319 --> 00:29:41.430 that I've accomplished it makes me feel good to know that I can do that. 419 00:29:41.670 --> 00:29:45.150 But like, when I've started to do this and I've started to get 420 00:29:45.150 --> 00:29:49.670 into this spiritual stuff, I've started to become a lot more aware of who 421 00:29:49.789 --> 00:29:55.099 I am and why I do the things that I do and that I'm accepting 422 00:29:55.220 --> 00:29:57.819 that I'm an angry I was an angry person. I'm not so much now, 423 00:29:57.940 --> 00:30:00.980 but right so, so you hang, you have anger. That's I 424 00:30:02.099 --> 00:30:03.380 like to frame it like that. You have anger, but you can choose 425 00:30:03.380 --> 00:30:07.849 to keep it or get rid of it, I guess, right exactly. 426 00:30:07.049 --> 00:30:11.450 And in different situations, like you know, like they'll be situations that will 427 00:30:11.529 --> 00:30:15.170 pop up, you know, on different days where I can choose, like 428 00:30:15.369 --> 00:30:18.970 do you want to act like how you could or do you know? I 429 00:30:18.009 --> 00:30:22.160 mean like I do, become way more conscious of how I'm going to react 430 00:30:22.240 --> 00:30:27.440 in situations and sometimes, I mean, let's I'll be phrase that. Fifty 431 00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:33.799 percent of the time, slip of a coin. Yeah, fifty percent of 432 00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:37.349 the time I can, you know, kind of get myself out of it 433 00:30:37.589 --> 00:30:42.470 and then it'll take me less time as if I was to react, and 434 00:30:42.990 --> 00:30:48.309 then it takes me about five hours to get stamp out of it and realize, 435 00:30:48.430 --> 00:30:51.980 Oh, I probably shouldn't acted like that. You know. So it's 436 00:30:52.019 --> 00:30:55.460 just, it's just helps you don't stay on path right, so you don't 437 00:30:55.500 --> 00:31:00.180 drive yourself off into a ditch. Exactly. Like I there are days like 438 00:31:00.299 --> 00:31:03.059 we talked about, where, yes, I don't want to do a damn 439 00:31:03.180 --> 00:31:04.970 thing, I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to like 440 00:31:06.130 --> 00:31:11.490 you wake up in the dickt yeah, but I know that deep down and 441 00:31:11.569 --> 00:31:15.970 I'm proud of myself for this. That what it is. I know that 442 00:31:15.089 --> 00:31:19.480 it's just my you know, this this mental stuff going on or these things 443 00:31:19.599 --> 00:31:22.799 going on, and I need to just get myself up and get through it 444 00:31:23.359 --> 00:31:27.039 and, you know, just be be cautious when I wake up like that, 445 00:31:27.240 --> 00:31:30.400 because I have to be careful of the situations I put myself in. 446 00:31:30.599 --> 00:31:34.150 It's right, don't let it take you. Yeah, exactly, which can 447 00:31:34.190 --> 00:31:37.589 be hard. It can be really, really hard or challenge. It's hard 448 00:31:37.630 --> 00:31:41.150 to be conscious like it's hard to be like, I don't want to say 449 00:31:41.150 --> 00:31:42.509 whoak, it's not the the right context here, but it's hard to be 450 00:31:42.589 --> 00:31:47.220 conscious of the inner workings of your own mind the moment you wake up. 451 00:31:48.819 --> 00:31:52.900 I've tried. I try meditating, right, I tried the visualization, but 452 00:31:52.980 --> 00:31:56.859 if also tried the the mantra one where you say a thing or you hear 453 00:31:56.059 --> 00:32:00.140 repetitive words over and over. Yeah, spoken word or something like that. 454 00:32:00.809 --> 00:32:06.289 The spoken word works better for me. I have a weird thing called affhantasia 455 00:32:06.730 --> 00:32:09.690 I just found out about, where I can act, I can't actually see 456 00:32:09.730 --> 00:32:14.490 anything in my mind. When someone says, okay, close your eyes and 457 00:32:14.650 --> 00:32:19.440 imagine an apple like I know what an apple looks like, but when I 458 00:32:19.519 --> 00:32:22.440 close my eyes it's just black. There's nothing there. I can't see anything 459 00:32:22.519 --> 00:32:29.000 in my mind. Wow, so it's so have you ever tried to if 460 00:32:29.039 --> 00:32:31.109 somebody's asked you? But like you could like draw something though, right, 461 00:32:31.190 --> 00:32:35.109 if somebody was like hey, draw something. You know, I'm I'm a 462 00:32:35.190 --> 00:32:37.789 brand designer. I like most of my living I make from designing brands for 463 00:32:37.910 --> 00:32:43.390 corporations. So it's yeah, I'm a creative person and I never once thought 464 00:32:43.430 --> 00:32:46.539 that I couldn't visualize, until someone says no, I actually see an apple, 465 00:32:46.660 --> 00:32:50.380 like no, you don't really see see an apple, and they're all 466 00:32:50.420 --> 00:32:51.940 yeah, yeah. I'm like is that, like, well, red? 467 00:32:51.980 --> 00:32:53.380 He's like yeah, it's red. It's got a browns them and green little 468 00:32:53.460 --> 00:32:57.779 thing, like Oh yeah, no, I just see black, just black. 469 00:32:58.420 --> 00:33:00.009 Anyway. My point being, when I do some of the meditation and 470 00:33:00.049 --> 00:33:06.289 they say picture yourself walking along a beach, I'm like it's black, this 471 00:33:06.490 --> 00:33:09.809 is dark in here. HMM. Well, that I can't do the visual 472 00:33:09.930 --> 00:33:13.079 either. And honestly, you want to know why I can't do it, 473 00:33:13.160 --> 00:33:15.559 it's I mean your I obviously don't have you know. What is it called? 474 00:33:15.599 --> 00:33:20.160 That you said it was a fantasia. It's like Fantasias with the A 475 00:33:20.319 --> 00:33:23.920 in front of it. Afantas it kind of sounds cool, but I don't 476 00:33:24.039 --> 00:33:30.509 have that. But but the visualization part and the the doing that, I 477 00:33:30.630 --> 00:33:34.349 just get distracted. I can't even meditate. I'm like will now, you 478 00:33:34.430 --> 00:33:37.029 want me to walk in the beach, and then I'm trying to see myself. 479 00:33:37.069 --> 00:33:38.630 You know, it just that was that was it with me, and 480 00:33:38.750 --> 00:33:42.619 I well, if I finally put it all together about six months ago, 481 00:33:42.660 --> 00:33:45.940 I'm like, Oh, that's why I get distracted, because I can't actually 482 00:33:45.940 --> 00:33:47.980 see what the fuck your it's like saying in a movie theater and everyone else 483 00:33:49.099 --> 00:33:51.980 is seen the screen and I'm just sitting here in the dark and everyone's like 484 00:33:52.059 --> 00:33:55.210 Oh, and laughing and clapping. I'm like yeah, I'll do what they're 485 00:33:55.250 --> 00:33:59.369 doing, you know, play along, because I never knew that they could 486 00:33:59.410 --> 00:34:00.809 actually see the screen. I'm like, Oh, you can, you can 487 00:34:00.890 --> 00:34:06.130 see something. WHOA HMM. But so. But I like the repeating things. 488 00:34:06.170 --> 00:34:10.199 When someone says you you have a right to an abundant life, you 489 00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:14.119 have a right to a bun or some shit like that. Right. That 490 00:34:14.320 --> 00:34:17.599 works for me because then like we talked about earlier, our self talk. 491 00:34:19.320 --> 00:34:22.960 If you jam yourself talk with the bunch of positive messages, there's really no 492 00:34:22.159 --> 00:34:27.429 space and in your day for negative self talk. So I kind of aspire 493 00:34:27.510 --> 00:34:32.989 to that. HMM. Yeah, I do mantras. I actually just that's 494 00:34:34.070 --> 00:34:37.349 what something just within the last few months that I'm like, you know what, 495 00:34:37.630 --> 00:34:39.900 mantras are just the way that I'm after to go to meditate, because 496 00:34:40.219 --> 00:34:45.860 I have a the the beads. So I just do it a hundred and 497 00:34:45.980 --> 00:34:49.099 eight times and I'm not going to lie, I get to like the halfway 498 00:34:49.219 --> 00:34:52.250 mark and I have to literally calm mind, calm your mind, calm your 499 00:34:52.289 --> 00:34:57.210 mind start, you know, and keep going right then I just because if 500 00:34:57.289 --> 00:35:00.170 I could, but and that's all it takes and I can do it and 501 00:35:00.289 --> 00:35:02.889 I and I actually like impressed myself. I was like, okay, if 502 00:35:02.929 --> 00:35:07.800 I can do this for and I think it takes me about five to ten 503 00:35:07.880 --> 00:35:12.320 minutes if I do the mantra, you know, it feels just so good 504 00:35:12.440 --> 00:35:15.159 to just get that accomplished and calm my mind for that five to ten minutes 505 00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:20.119 and I know that I eventually can get, you know, hopefully, to 506 00:35:20.159 --> 00:35:22.670 the point where it's half hour to an hour, you know, and then 507 00:35:23.750 --> 00:35:29.590 where I can consciously do it on every day rather than just for those five 508 00:35:29.750 --> 00:35:31.630 ten minutes. Do you think kind of my thought about it? Do you 509 00:35:31.750 --> 00:35:36.980 think that's why, like Catholics, for example, do the rosary with the 510 00:35:37.019 --> 00:35:40.619 beads for? Do you think it's for the same effect? No, do 511 00:35:40.659 --> 00:35:45.059 you think it has the same effect? It might, it might, I 512 00:35:45.179 --> 00:35:49.460 don't know that that's a good that's a good question. Yeah, the way 513 00:35:49.500 --> 00:35:52.130 you described it, I'm like, Huh, because I've seen like my friends 514 00:35:52.210 --> 00:35:55.250 grandma when his dad passed and you know, the mom was still alive, 515 00:35:55.449 --> 00:35:59.969 had to bear your son. She would sit at the at the grave site 516 00:36:00.250 --> 00:36:02.530 for days, days on it, not like you know, unreasonable man time, 517 00:36:02.570 --> 00:36:06.880 but like two hours or so just counting, say, and Rosary. 518 00:36:06.960 --> 00:36:10.000 I'm pushing those beats through her fingers. HMM. Well, they're therapeutic. 519 00:36:10.840 --> 00:36:15.320 Know. Yeah, that. But now that you say that and that that 520 00:36:15.559 --> 00:36:20.110 technically and that we could go on to a whole nother conversation about like Jesus 521 00:36:20.389 --> 00:36:23.389 and in Buddha and stuff, because I actually like read a lot on them 522 00:36:24.630 --> 00:36:30.150 and how Jesus really was a Yogi and you know how he came to, 523 00:36:30.670 --> 00:36:34.099 like him and Buddha were actually the ones that we're coming to. You know, 524 00:36:34.260 --> 00:36:37.619 talk about divine and being your divine self and and, you know, 525 00:36:37.739 --> 00:36:40.380 your inner God and things like that. I can talk about stuff like that 526 00:36:40.980 --> 00:36:45.139 for forever because that's something that I really enjoyed way, I love and I 527 00:36:45.300 --> 00:36:51.329 feel like it's inspired me to, you know what I mean, to be 528 00:36:51.409 --> 00:36:55.250 a better person. But anyways, yeah, shut up, I can talk 529 00:36:55.289 --> 00:37:00.849 about that forever. But I was just saying that the the beads that we 530 00:37:00.010 --> 00:37:05.159 use, and you know, that whole idea behind it, I think, 531 00:37:05.400 --> 00:37:08.480 is really to just be to be a stronger person. Yeah, liked it's 532 00:37:08.519 --> 00:37:15.510 to be more mindfully strong and and to be and maybe just connect on on 533 00:37:15.630 --> 00:37:20.269 a different level. You know, sometimes people do pray to to kind of 534 00:37:20.389 --> 00:37:22.750 just leave the leave this world, I think, and being a spiritual realm 535 00:37:22.869 --> 00:37:25.949 for that amount of time. You know, I don't know. Yeah, 536 00:37:27.070 --> 00:37:30.420 and if we have the capacity to do that, why not try it? 537 00:37:30.460 --> 00:37:35.900 Exactly exactly, can't? You don't see a cat sitting around the backyard trying 538 00:37:35.940 --> 00:37:39.739 to reach a different, higher capacity of spiritualism? MMM, I don't know. 539 00:37:39.820 --> 00:37:42.980 Maybe, maybe that is what they're doing. I don't know what they're 540 00:37:42.980 --> 00:37:45.449 doing out there. No, that's that's what I'm saying. Like, I 541 00:37:45.530 --> 00:37:50.010 could have so many different conversations because I'm so open minded about everything and, 542 00:37:50.570 --> 00:37:52.849 you know, some people think I'm crazy and some people are like, yeah, 543 00:37:52.969 --> 00:37:55.610 that's totally I totally get what you're going with that. You know, 544 00:37:57.050 --> 00:38:00.159 right, right, some people willing to. I guess it's almost like a 545 00:38:00.599 --> 00:38:04.760 improvisational skill. You See, I watched a lot of Improv comedy and things 546 00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:07.559 like that and I think it's really neat how people will pick up the baton 547 00:38:07.719 --> 00:38:13.309 that somebody hands them, regardless of what it is. Yeah, so to 548 00:38:13.349 --> 00:38:15.429 be able to take a topic that you're not as sure of but today I'll 549 00:38:15.469 --> 00:38:20.590 see where it's going, I think is a really cool capacity of humans. 550 00:38:21.829 --> 00:38:24.789 Oh yeah, definitely, a hundred percent. That's you mentioned crazy, so 551 00:38:24.949 --> 00:38:29.820 that I'm going to call the cat the title of this podcast, coming out 552 00:38:29.980 --> 00:38:36.340 crazy, disclosing your mental differences. So you see us. Said, I 553 00:38:36.420 --> 00:38:39.219 put differences in there because, yeah, I'm not going to label anybody. 554 00:38:39.219 --> 00:38:45.570 I gotta include all of the the people who feel left out exactly. So, 555 00:38:45.730 --> 00:38:50.530 yeah, yeah, go ahead, no, but I was going to 556 00:38:50.570 --> 00:38:53.889 say, besides, I was going to ask you, you know, besides 557 00:38:54.010 --> 00:38:58.760 doing like the the meditation and stuff and cannabis, like, what are other 558 00:38:59.400 --> 00:39:02.320 what are some things that you do, like in your daily life, like 559 00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:07.599 on your task to kind of keep you, you know, keep you going 560 00:39:07.719 --> 00:39:09.510 throughout the day? I'm just curious if, like, well, maybe the 561 00:39:09.710 --> 00:39:16.110 until now, like recently I got a job and that is pretty well structured. 562 00:39:16.349 --> 00:39:20.429 Like what to my benefit? Right, because I don't have to think 563 00:39:20.429 --> 00:39:22.150 of what I have to do. I plot out what I have to do 564 00:39:22.269 --> 00:39:25.420 the night before and I go out and do it the next day. Done 565 00:39:25.739 --> 00:39:30.820 right. So my cool. That is actually helpful. To our earlier point, 566 00:39:30.860 --> 00:39:32.780 though, it's fucking stressful on those mornings where you just don't want to 567 00:39:32.780 --> 00:39:36.300 do shit, but you know, like a fuck, this is my big 568 00:39:36.340 --> 00:39:38.849 chance. If I don't get up now, life is right, the word 569 00:39:38.929 --> 00:39:45.170 living, or have totally catastrophize it. But so it has a challenges, 570 00:39:45.730 --> 00:39:49.889 but nonetheless that I have structured before that, like all of covid most of 571 00:39:49.969 --> 00:39:53.760 the year I loved coming up with new ideas. So I sit around and 572 00:39:53.880 --> 00:40:00.679 think of a new company, a new nonprofit, a new podcast idea. 573 00:40:00.760 --> 00:40:05.480 So, because I'm a designer and working on other clients logos. Sometimes I'm 574 00:40:05.480 --> 00:40:07.550 thinking, man, if they only had this. Well then I pretend and 575 00:40:07.630 --> 00:40:12.869 I invent that thing. I'll go by the domain name and the twitter handle, 576 00:40:13.630 --> 00:40:16.030 put a logo up and I'm just fuck around make these fake entities that 577 00:40:16.190 --> 00:40:21.820 look super professional, but they don't really do anything. So it just kind 578 00:40:21.820 --> 00:40:24.980 of keeps my design in, my my workflow muscles in and shape. I 579 00:40:25.059 --> 00:40:30.420 guess. HMM, yes, so, well is so that's something. So 580 00:40:30.539 --> 00:40:36.090 you're talking about like the design. So you don't necessarily like always get paid 581 00:40:36.170 --> 00:40:38.130 for that. That's more of like a hobby thing that you do and you 582 00:40:38.170 --> 00:40:40.570 kind of just put it out there and then you see no, it's more 583 00:40:40.650 --> 00:40:45.289 like my asperger thing. It's the one thing I'm fucking super into because I 584 00:40:45.650 --> 00:40:50.239 do get paid for it. Like I get paid for it from a marketing 585 00:40:50.320 --> 00:40:54.039 form. I workforce every time they got new logo designs for, like I 586 00:40:54.159 --> 00:40:59.480 just did one for like a Easygo kind of market, like chain of truck 587 00:40:59.559 --> 00:41:05.269 stops and things like that, and a newspaper company and then their cable company 588 00:41:05.309 --> 00:41:07.510 and a phone company. So I'm doing these big logo projects, but it's 589 00:41:07.550 --> 00:41:12.230 not an up for me because it's so confining they want you to just do 590 00:41:12.349 --> 00:41:16.190 it like and all. And what really drives me crazy is I'll fucking come 591 00:41:16.190 --> 00:41:20.260 up with idea on a whim while I'm sitting on that toilet and I'll whip 592 00:41:20.300 --> 00:41:23.380 it out, like if they say yes to this, then they're idiots and 593 00:41:23.539 --> 00:41:30.059 like the next morning they're like perfect, all my fucking kidding me. So, 594 00:41:30.099 --> 00:41:34.130 so just has great. So it's but I'm like whatever, I get 595 00:41:34.130 --> 00:41:37.409 paid nonetheless, but I feel so cheap, like I'm like a hooker or 596 00:41:37.530 --> 00:41:40.650 something. But yeah, I get I felt like that before too with some 597 00:41:40.730 --> 00:41:44.329 stuff that I'm not and that and it's been good. You know, it's 598 00:41:44.369 --> 00:41:46.360 not a bad transaction or anything that I do, but you're just yea like. 599 00:41:46.440 --> 00:41:50.880 Well, and I'm not. Didn't really do much like and, and 600 00:41:51.320 --> 00:41:54.599 I don't mean to be smirts the sex trait either, because I support that 601 00:41:54.760 --> 00:42:01.230 fully. So sorry to any hookers listening, but it just it. That's 602 00:42:01.269 --> 00:42:05.190 weird. But no, it is my thing. I fucking I watched documents, 603 00:42:05.590 --> 00:42:09.909 like I just watched a documentary on a font called Hell Vetica for like 604 00:42:09.989 --> 00:42:15.389 the third time. I'm just into shit like that. I Su Whoa cool. 605 00:42:15.099 --> 00:42:17.980 Yeah, no, that's cool. That's cool. That you can get. 606 00:42:19.380 --> 00:42:22.820 I I'm weird. Like I'm weird and like find like I'll get a 607 00:42:23.019 --> 00:42:27.900 moment where I just want to be creative and I'll just create, like I'll 608 00:42:27.940 --> 00:42:30.769 do kind of not like logos, but like I'll paint pictures, or I'll 609 00:42:30.769 --> 00:42:35.210 get on CANVA and I'll do fun things for like my facebook or, you 610 00:42:35.289 --> 00:42:37.010 know, maybe I feel like doing a video or something, so I'll happen 611 00:42:37.090 --> 00:42:39.650 on Youtube. Like that's the kind of thing that I do. You know, 612 00:42:39.730 --> 00:42:45.000 I just I do I feel like like content creation. So, like, 613 00:42:45.039 --> 00:42:46.000 I guess what I'm saying, like I feel like a similar in a 614 00:42:46.039 --> 00:42:49.039 sense, like I do have fun with it. Is like, yeah, 615 00:42:49.559 --> 00:42:52.440 it's like you got to keep your creative flow, yeah, the open. 616 00:42:52.519 --> 00:42:57.039 If you can't stifle it, there's no way it's going to come out some 617 00:42:57.159 --> 00:43:00.590 way. Like when I my kids were young, I would wreck things because, 618 00:43:00.750 --> 00:43:05.110 like, like my son came home and they are starting a pumpkin patch 619 00:43:05.389 --> 00:43:08.829 next to their classroom right and I'm like fuck yeah, we could get like 620 00:43:08.909 --> 00:43:14.019 a Webcam and you put like my Pumpkin Patchcom and we could have updates and 621 00:43:14.099 --> 00:43:20.500 then run screaming out of the room. Mom Dad's wreckon it so funny. 622 00:43:20.940 --> 00:43:22.340 I just don't into them, like yeah, it could be a thing and 623 00:43:22.500 --> 00:43:27.170 like yeah, so my mind everything could be a thing and it's so exhausting 624 00:43:27.250 --> 00:43:30.130 sometimes, but it keeps me, you know, structure keeps me doing things. 625 00:43:30.929 --> 00:43:34.170 HMM. Yeah, and you just get some sometimes you get like super 626 00:43:34.210 --> 00:43:36.610 duper excited about it. That's how I get. I'll get like so, 627 00:43:36.730 --> 00:43:39.969 so excited and like I have to do this thing, like you don't understand 628 00:43:40.050 --> 00:43:43.760 the test. That happen. Yeah, fuck, yeah, that's a trade 629 00:43:43.800 --> 00:43:47.159 of adhd is. We have an affinity for the novel. So anything new, 630 00:43:47.239 --> 00:43:50.360 it's like, yeah, fucking love the new, and it once it's 631 00:43:50.440 --> 00:43:52.760 not new, you kind of gets thrown cast aside a little bits, like 632 00:43:53.119 --> 00:43:57.590 I'm boring whatever. Yeah, but it's a rush for the new. I 633 00:43:57.750 --> 00:44:02.030 love it. Okay, so let's talk about the pros and cons of, 634 00:44:02.110 --> 00:44:10.059 quote unquote, coming out as crazy and what it really means to every individual, 635 00:44:10.059 --> 00:44:14.900 because it's so different each time. Right. HMM. So have you 636 00:44:15.940 --> 00:44:19.780 like on obviously on this podcast, you've come out as crazy? Who knows 637 00:44:19.820 --> 00:44:22.260 how many people going to hear this in your world, but like, for 638 00:44:22.380 --> 00:44:28.650 example, your fiance knows. But what about even like your family or your 639 00:44:28.769 --> 00:44:31.769 co workers or your old friends from school? How many people know what you've 640 00:44:31.809 --> 00:44:37.409 been going through, regardless of the validity of any label, how many actually 641 00:44:37.489 --> 00:44:39.280 know you've been going to Sele see a doctor and trying to work things out 642 00:44:43.760 --> 00:44:47.360 actually beside? Yeah, besides my fiance, he obviously knows everything, every 643 00:44:47.400 --> 00:44:55.070 single thing, and I'm my grandma, and it actually to like kind of 644 00:44:55.150 --> 00:45:00.309 on the side note on this conversation or this this question, I don't actually 645 00:45:00.750 --> 00:45:07.380 have a solid relationship with with my family. I actually only, you know, 646 00:45:07.539 --> 00:45:12.780 talk to my grandmother technically, and I have my daughter, you know, 647 00:45:12.980 --> 00:45:16.219 so her and I are good. But, like friends, wise, 648 00:45:19.340 --> 00:45:23.329 I haven't really ever came out and told them what I struggle with on a 649 00:45:23.849 --> 00:45:28.809 daily basis. I've never I've never told my friends that. You know, 650 00:45:28.929 --> 00:45:30.889 like I wake up and I have days where I just I hate the like 651 00:45:30.889 --> 00:45:35.530 kind of like the conversation that I had with you. I don't, I 652 00:45:35.920 --> 00:45:37.599 don't open up about those things. I just kind of blame it on, 653 00:45:37.880 --> 00:45:42.679 you know, the excuses, like I'll say, Oh, you know, 654 00:45:42.800 --> 00:45:45.079 I'm sorry, like I couldn't get back with you because, you know, 655 00:45:45.280 --> 00:45:47.840 sue in this or something like that, because you don't want it. You 656 00:45:47.960 --> 00:45:52.989 don't want to admit that. I can't relate how many times I've had food 657 00:45:52.150 --> 00:45:57.510 poisoning before. You know, great and and it's so and then I and 658 00:45:57.590 --> 00:45:59.989 then I go back and I think like, Dang, am I a bad 659 00:46:00.110 --> 00:46:02.389 friend? You know what I mean? And then I start to like distance 660 00:46:02.469 --> 00:46:07.460 myself from my friends and stuff. So relationships have and I'll admit this. 661 00:46:07.780 --> 00:46:10.940 I'll admit it right now, since I've been telling everybody everything else. Anyways, 662 00:46:12.059 --> 00:46:15.059 you know I struggle. I struggle with relationships, I really do, 663 00:46:15.340 --> 00:46:22.090 and I don't purpose. Yeah, what's the hardest thing with keeping a relationship 664 00:46:22.170 --> 00:46:25.650 intact? And I'm assuming like friends, aside from your fiance and a child, 665 00:46:25.769 --> 00:46:28.969 but like, because there is a thing, especially with our peers, 666 00:46:29.050 --> 00:46:31.570 people our age, whether they're at work or old schoolmates or anything. It's 667 00:46:31.610 --> 00:46:36.599 just hard to keep those going. So what's your biggest challenge in the relationship 668 00:46:36.719 --> 00:46:43.000 thing? I think it's just the I think it's the communication part for sure, 669 00:46:43.159 --> 00:46:46.119 because, like I've been telling you, I don't like to admit the 670 00:46:46.309 --> 00:46:50.869 flaws that I have or things that I do wrong. So it's easier for 671 00:46:51.030 --> 00:46:53.510 me to just portray that, you know, like I might have a bad 672 00:46:53.590 --> 00:46:58.590 day or two, but I don't actually struggle with it every day. Yeah, 673 00:46:58.710 --> 00:47:00.230 you know, like the kind of person that would acknowledge that you were 674 00:47:00.269 --> 00:47:04.179 having a bad day. So I don't think. Yeah, you know what 675 00:47:04.219 --> 00:47:07.219 I mean, because I kind of feel the same way sometimes to I'll acknowledge 676 00:47:07.260 --> 00:47:10.099 I I just don't know when people can notice it. Honestly. Right, 677 00:47:10.219 --> 00:47:14.139 look, right, I'm just because I'm me. I'm just being me, 678 00:47:14.820 --> 00:47:19.130 going through my daytoday and yeah, some days I might appear way more toxic 679 00:47:19.250 --> 00:47:22.690 than others. But if people don't say hey, dude, what's up, 680 00:47:22.050 --> 00:47:28.050 then I just won't know and then eventually that silence will will gnaw at everybody 681 00:47:28.809 --> 00:47:34.760 and relationships will get tattered that way. HMM. Or, you know, 682 00:47:34.920 --> 00:47:37.199 like just going through like I was there, for example. You know, 683 00:47:37.320 --> 00:47:42.639 just a few years ago I was just going through this like, I don't 684 00:47:42.679 --> 00:47:49.510 I'm assuming you know what you would call like a really depressive episode, to 685 00:47:49.670 --> 00:47:52.110 where like I just didn't know what was what, I was drinking all the 686 00:47:52.230 --> 00:47:58.110 time, you know. Again, like I picked it back up and I 687 00:47:58.349 --> 00:48:01.260 just kind of blew my friends off like I had no good reason for it. 688 00:48:01.860 --> 00:48:05.659 I had, but I just picked up. I moved out, you 689 00:48:05.699 --> 00:48:07.699 know, moved out of their house. I didn't talk to him and it 690 00:48:07.860 --> 00:48:12.340 was all because of these internal things that I was trying to deal with. 691 00:48:12.539 --> 00:48:15.210 But I didn't want to tell them, you know, I didn't want to 692 00:48:15.489 --> 00:48:17.570 blame to them like what was going on, because I didn't know what was 693 00:48:17.650 --> 00:48:22.570 going on. You know, just, and I don't even like emitting this 694 00:48:22.690 --> 00:48:27.090 either, but you know, just talking to different guys that I don't need 695 00:48:27.130 --> 00:48:29.840 to be talking to, you know what I mean, that don't do anything 696 00:48:29.920 --> 00:48:35.119 thing for me, and it just I don't know. And then I lost 697 00:48:35.119 --> 00:48:37.960 a lot of I lost a lot of people, you know, a lot 698 00:48:37.000 --> 00:48:40.320 of friends because of it. And then ice, like I said, now 699 00:48:42.829 --> 00:48:49.190 I'm to the point where I recognize so many things, probably because I'm older, 700 00:48:49.989 --> 00:48:52.429 of why I wasn't able to hold those relationships, and it was just 701 00:48:52.550 --> 00:48:57.860 because I wasn't, never honest about what was really going on. Yeah, 702 00:48:58.099 --> 00:49:02.300 yeah, that's true. I have this additional, additional insight. Ecauad the 703 00:49:02.380 --> 00:49:07.940 same kind of feeling and more it started to percolate to the surface later, 704 00:49:07.980 --> 00:49:12.130 I guess, during Covid and whatnot. Is I have this weird thing where 705 00:49:12.130 --> 00:49:15.489 I kind of, unless I can try to unless I could present the perfect 706 00:49:15.530 --> 00:49:17.769 me, or at least the best me, to people. I want to 707 00:49:17.809 --> 00:49:21.010 put that on hold. I'm like wait, wait, wait, I'm kind 708 00:49:21.050 --> 00:49:22.690 of fucked up right now. I don't want you to see me so fucked 709 00:49:22.730 --> 00:49:25.000 up. You know, you never get the best to me, and I 710 00:49:25.039 --> 00:49:29.960 feel bad about that. Like I'm if I could say that to my mom, 711 00:49:30.119 --> 00:49:32.280 my dad, my kids, every lover I've ever had. I don't 712 00:49:32.280 --> 00:49:37.840 feel they've ever got the best of me and I feel really shameful that that 713 00:49:38.469 --> 00:49:42.429 they didn't get the best of me and they may never get the best to 714 00:49:42.510 --> 00:49:45.030 me. And it's so fucked up because sometimes when I feel like I'm the 715 00:49:45.110 --> 00:49:49.710 best me I can be, there's absolutely nobody around to share it with. 716 00:49:50.869 --> 00:49:55.500 HMM. Now I feel the exact same way it like I in for example, 717 00:49:55.619 --> 00:49:59.780 like when I'm meditating, I'm calm and you know, stuff like that. 718 00:49:59.860 --> 00:50:01.780 I think to myself, why can I not be like this, you 719 00:50:01.900 --> 00:50:06.179 know, like it it's to everybody out in a daily basis, like why 720 00:50:06.219 --> 00:50:08.329 can I just be calm and in collective, you know, and then I'm 721 00:50:08.329 --> 00:50:14.170 hard on myself. Then you hard on and and I think that that's why 722 00:50:14.289 --> 00:50:20.329 messes it up. Do you think being labeled fucks with your head that way? 723 00:50:22.079 --> 00:50:24.840 Yeah, definitely. There's a kind of a question when people like people 724 00:50:24.840 --> 00:50:30.639 say, well, was your diagnosis help or a hindrance? And at first 725 00:50:30.719 --> 00:50:34.920 I thought it was helpful because it gave me, I guess, cover for 726 00:50:35.079 --> 00:50:37.389 my behavior. I'm like, Oh, well, there is a reason, 727 00:50:37.429 --> 00:50:40.550 there's a legitimate reason, and honestly, it helped me not be an addict 728 00:50:40.670 --> 00:50:45.590 because I realized part of my behavior was based on trying to and the suffering 729 00:50:45.989 --> 00:50:52.780 with with chemicals or whatever. So that was helpful. But I get really 730 00:50:52.860 --> 00:50:54.500 excited about shit. Right when I find out something new, I want to 731 00:50:54.539 --> 00:50:59.260 share it. Well, when one of the things you have is a mental 732 00:50:59.340 --> 00:51:04.769 disorder at the time, one of the symptoms of is poor judgment, and 733 00:51:04.849 --> 00:51:08.690 then you start sharing with everybody your mental disorder. Well, that's where I 734 00:51:08.730 --> 00:51:12.690 think I really made a mistake, like I wouldn't have shared it with half 735 00:51:12.809 --> 00:51:15.570 the people because I was sharing it with everybody. I do it now anonymously. 736 00:51:15.690 --> 00:51:17.920 That's why I don't really put my face all over the place and I 737 00:51:17.960 --> 00:51:22.239 don't use my real last name or anything. HMM, because I've still feel 738 00:51:22.239 --> 00:51:24.519 it's important for people to share, but man, you got to really be 739 00:51:24.599 --> 00:51:30.599 careful with who you share with. No, you do definitely, and that 740 00:51:30.760 --> 00:51:35.789 and that's another thing too, is that I think that a part of you 741 00:51:35.909 --> 00:51:37.710 know, whatever we're true, whatever we're, call our differences where. I'm 742 00:51:37.750 --> 00:51:40.590 going to call it that, our differences that we have in our brains. 743 00:51:43.110 --> 00:51:47.940 You know, just, I don't know, just thinking about trying to explain 744 00:51:49.059 --> 00:51:52.579 it to somebody, you almost feel stupid, you know, like you don't 745 00:51:52.619 --> 00:51:55.179 necessarily I don't want to say the word stupid, but yeah, no, 746 00:51:55.260 --> 00:51:58.900 I mean if you feel it, that's fine. No, they're not going 747 00:51:58.940 --> 00:52:00.980 to get it. Like I just feel like, okay, I know you're 748 00:52:00.019 --> 00:52:02.610 not going to get it, so why should I say here and explain it 749 00:52:02.730 --> 00:52:06.969 to you, because you're either going to say, Oh, you know, 750 00:52:07.090 --> 00:52:08.889 you're fine, like whatever, like move on, you know, because I've 751 00:52:08.889 --> 00:52:13.289 had people say that, or, you know, people get so into it, 752 00:52:13.369 --> 00:52:15.130 but they're like, oh my gosh, like do you think it's this, 753 00:52:15.289 --> 00:52:16.119 and do you have you tried this? And then you're like you don't 754 00:52:16.119 --> 00:52:20.159 want to hear it. Yeah, everybody wants to fix you. Like yeah, 755 00:52:20.199 --> 00:52:22.840 like the stubbornness. That's what I was trying to get at as how 756 00:52:22.000 --> 00:52:25.880 stubborn I am. I'm stupid, stubborn like and the maybe it's a woman 757 00:52:25.960 --> 00:52:29.360 thing, I don't know, but I have. I've literally been this way 758 00:52:29.400 --> 00:52:31.030 since I've been three years old. You can ask my grandma. Like, 759 00:52:31.429 --> 00:52:35.829 literally stubborn to the core and I hate it, you know. And that, 760 00:52:35.909 --> 00:52:38.429 I feel like, as a big part of the relationships too, is 761 00:52:38.550 --> 00:52:42.309 you know, with me expressing myself to people, is like, I don't 762 00:52:42.349 --> 00:52:44.619 want to hear what you have to say about it or tell me how to 763 00:52:44.860 --> 00:52:47.059 fix it or tell me to this. No, that's valid, though. 764 00:52:47.099 --> 00:52:51.900 I mean sometimes, yeah, we just want to be heard because, I 765 00:52:52.179 --> 00:52:54.579 mean if I can't, if I if a doctor wasn't able to fix it, 766 00:52:54.699 --> 00:52:58.969 if a dozen doctors weren't able to fix it and all these meds that 767 00:52:59.050 --> 00:53:01.050 I listed weren't able to fix it, I don't expect my best friend to 768 00:53:01.130 --> 00:53:05.130 fix it, or my mom or my kids or anything, but I do 769 00:53:05.289 --> 00:53:07.849 expect them to hear me out and listen and try to understand either. Then 770 00:53:07.889 --> 00:53:10.409 not even try that hard. Mean just pop open the internet once in a 771 00:53:10.409 --> 00:53:14.880 while and look up pick an ailment, you know, look into it and 772 00:53:15.039 --> 00:53:19.559 try to understand that that is real and it's not. It's not a gimmick 773 00:53:19.599 --> 00:53:21.599 or anything. What someone's going to have a gimmick? Like I got a 774 00:53:21.679 --> 00:53:24.360 mental disorder for fucking thirty years. Who? Who Do that? Doesn't make 775 00:53:24.400 --> 00:53:29.230 any sense, I know. And, yeah, and I and I don't 776 00:53:29.269 --> 00:53:31.349 like in like you when you were going back to when you said was it 777 00:53:31.550 --> 00:53:36.309 helpful back then? Yeah, I thought it was helpful. But like now, 778 00:53:36.829 --> 00:53:39.829 I tried, you everything I can to not even use the word bipolar, 779 00:53:39.989 --> 00:53:45.139 Adhd, hyperactive manic depress that, you know, I don't even want 780 00:53:45.139 --> 00:53:47.659 to use. And those words I don't I don't think. I go the 781 00:53:47.699 --> 00:53:52.460 other direction sometimes, like I use the sling for some of these terms and 782 00:53:52.699 --> 00:53:58.050 a people in the mental health field get angry at me because I'm using slang 783 00:53:58.170 --> 00:54:01.530 for a crazy or spas or things like this. Did you know in the 784 00:54:01.650 --> 00:54:07.369 UK the word spas is as offensive as the word cunt is in America? 785 00:54:07.369 --> 00:54:10.159 Oh Wow, no, I did not know that. But it's flipped because 786 00:54:10.159 --> 00:54:14.039 in the UK cunt isn't that fucking offensive? And like, we'll see the 787 00:54:14.079 --> 00:54:15.599 week. We just have a difference of opinion. I'm going to keep saying 788 00:54:15.639 --> 00:54:19.519 spas and I'm going to refrain from the sea word. As much as possible, 789 00:54:19.599 --> 00:54:22.599 except that example. So I mean the words are just fun. Some 790 00:54:23.199 --> 00:54:29.230 kind of like the homosexual community took back gay and fag and things like this. 791 00:54:29.429 --> 00:54:31.550 Right. We don't normally say them, but they're free to use them 792 00:54:32.110 --> 00:54:37.230 and all of the any kind of movement takes back their words, and I 793 00:54:37.309 --> 00:54:40.619 think it's fine for people with any kind of mental style to take back the 794 00:54:40.699 --> 00:54:45.500 words and use them as you as you feel. HMM. Yeah, no, 795 00:54:45.699 --> 00:54:49.420 totally, because I I mean I'm a believer in words are I mean 796 00:54:50.500 --> 00:54:52.690 it's so hard to say this like nowadays, but like, if you really, 797 00:54:52.769 --> 00:54:57.090 really really think about it, like words are just words and you can 798 00:54:57.210 --> 00:55:00.130 use them. It's in the context and the way that you're carrying that word. 799 00:55:00.130 --> 00:55:02.969 Yeah, for sure to do. You know, like you can, 800 00:55:04.409 --> 00:55:07.679 like I can say you know, you're an Asshole, like or like you're 801 00:55:07.679 --> 00:55:10.320 an asshole. You know, I mean like you're so much you know, 802 00:55:10.480 --> 00:55:14.719 just like just that, like they're just so much differently in the words they 803 00:55:15.679 --> 00:55:20.079 write in contacts, because I live in Oklahoma now and if when you're talking 804 00:55:20.119 --> 00:55:23.309 to some people and they say they you know clearly that they mean black people 805 00:55:23.630 --> 00:55:28.269 and they're fucking racist. You know what I mean, so words are like 806 00:55:28.389 --> 00:55:30.710 knives. They could be used to butter your toast or stab somebody in the 807 00:55:30.829 --> 00:55:35.670 heart. Words can hold the power, but the person saying them is where 808 00:55:35.670 --> 00:55:39.179 the power comes from. So, as people who you know experience these differences, 809 00:55:39.219 --> 00:55:43.900 I think it's important that we take back the labels and say things how 810 00:55:43.940 --> 00:55:49.699 we wish. Yeah, definitely. This show originally was called bipolar style, 811 00:55:51.010 --> 00:55:53.570 because there I'm like, is it a disorder? I don't know. Aside 812 00:55:53.610 --> 00:55:58.289 from sitting in my closet in the dark when I'm super depressed and cry my 813 00:55:58.329 --> 00:56:00.929 eyes out, the other parts not so bad. It kind of helps me 814 00:56:01.050 --> 00:56:07.159 functioning get over the lowness of the depression. So it's almost in balance. 815 00:56:07.320 --> 00:56:10.239 Balanced, I guess, is the way I'm saying. So the ups and 816 00:56:10.360 --> 00:56:14.119 downs, the highs and lows, if you were to stretch them out over 817 00:56:14.239 --> 00:56:17.199 time, equal one flat line. So I live life a little more high 818 00:56:17.199 --> 00:56:21.269 and loath than a flat line. But you know, look at the EKG 819 00:56:21.429 --> 00:56:24.190 machine. If you're flat lined, you're dead. That's a good way. 820 00:56:24.230 --> 00:56:29.349 That's definitely a good comparison. Up and down, up and down, a 821 00:56:29.389 --> 00:56:31.030 little bit up and here of the yeah, well, it's fun to think 822 00:56:31.070 --> 00:56:34.780 of that way. It's like, yeah, you normal people are just living 823 00:56:34.820 --> 00:56:40.780 a flat line life, bordering exactly exactly. But another thing I was going 824 00:56:40.780 --> 00:56:47.170 to say too, is I did come out to old boss of mine. 825 00:56:49.449 --> 00:56:52.730 I am actually self employed now, but I came out to an old boss 826 00:56:52.730 --> 00:56:57.090 of mine about being, you know, I use the label like I'm bipolar, 827 00:56:57.289 --> 00:57:00.050 and this is what I struggle with. Because she she came to me 828 00:57:00.250 --> 00:57:02.239 and she was like, I noticed that you're starting, like things are starting 829 00:57:02.280 --> 00:57:06.199 to get tough for you, and I notice you're coming in later and, 830 00:57:06.800 --> 00:57:09.559 you know, like you're taking advantage of like leaving earlier and things like that. 831 00:57:09.880 --> 00:57:14.079 And so I had to talk and I just started crying. I was 832 00:57:14.119 --> 00:57:15.670 like, well, now I have to say something because I just started crying. 833 00:57:15.710 --> 00:57:20.710 I wasn't talking and I just started burst sing out in tears and I 834 00:57:20.909 --> 00:57:24.630 just was like, you know, I struggle with just all of these emotions 835 00:57:24.670 --> 00:57:28.829 and I just came out and I told her and like, in that moment 836 00:57:28.829 --> 00:57:32.619 I felt like it wasn't necessarily because I felt comfortable. I think is because 837 00:57:32.619 --> 00:57:36.780 I thought I wasn't lose my job right, you know what I mean? 838 00:57:37.059 --> 00:57:40.059 So and in and I don't know if you know this and I'm sure you 839 00:57:40.219 --> 00:57:44.849 probably do, but like in applications they will ask you if you struggle with 840 00:57:44.969 --> 00:57:49.130 the mental what I would do they say in the application instead of a mental 841 00:57:49.250 --> 00:57:52.969 disability or something like that. Yeah, like something like that, and they 842 00:57:52.170 --> 00:57:55.610 will they will put, you know, they put my polar and things like 843 00:57:55.650 --> 00:57:59.280 that on there, and I'm like and it's like, yeah, I'm gonna 844 00:57:59.320 --> 00:58:01.719 admit this now, sure, of course, right up fry, right, 845 00:58:01.880 --> 00:58:05.760 and that kind of like and when I saw that, because you know, 846 00:58:05.880 --> 00:58:07.639 I've was in and out. I've worked since I've been fifteen, you know, 847 00:58:07.719 --> 00:58:12.199 so I know what job applications look like. An overtime. It changed, 848 00:58:12.800 --> 00:58:15.670 and I'm thinking of myself, like why are you asking people this? 849 00:58:15.710 --> 00:58:17.269 Yeah, and they ask it's like, well, this doesn't really count. 850 00:58:17.309 --> 00:58:20.789 We don't keep track of this stuff, but we're going to ask are you 851 00:58:20.989 --> 00:58:22.750 bipolar? Are you an Indian? Are you this? And like what? 852 00:58:23.030 --> 00:58:28.099 Who the fuck wants to know? Right, and I did right exactly. 853 00:58:28.260 --> 00:58:30.900 So I'm just like thinking to myself, like who is going to get this 854 00:58:30.019 --> 00:58:35.059 information and who wants to know if I'm if I struggle, you know, 855 00:58:35.260 --> 00:58:37.420 with what people, if you're asking me this question, you must think it 856 00:58:37.539 --> 00:58:40.809 matters, right, it must matter to you I have this or not. 857 00:58:42.369 --> 00:58:45.489 So then I got kind of judgmental in the workforce, thinking like I don't 858 00:58:45.489 --> 00:58:49.409 want to work for anybody because I'm going to have to admit that I have 859 00:58:49.570 --> 00:58:51.969 something. Do I have to admit it, you know. And this is 860 00:58:52.010 --> 00:58:55.039 where the cons come in. That's why I'm saying I cons, because people, 861 00:58:55.599 --> 00:59:00.480 there's, I know there's thousands, millions of other people that struggle. 862 00:59:00.519 --> 00:59:02.880 I mean, maybe not millions, but you know thousands of people that struggle 863 00:59:02.920 --> 00:59:07.079 with these same things. Not Exact same they don't have the same story, 864 00:59:07.639 --> 00:59:09.349 you know, but they feel that same type of way. Looking at a 865 00:59:09.389 --> 00:59:14.110 job application, like are you, like, are you fucking serious, like 866 00:59:14.190 --> 00:59:16.190 right, really tell you this? Yeah, like and then, and then 867 00:59:16.230 --> 00:59:21.030 you get emotional about it, like I don't even want to admit to anybody. 868 00:59:21.710 --> 00:59:25.059 So especially. Okay, let's dig just a one step deeper on the 869 00:59:25.099 --> 00:59:30.940 bipolar disorder specifically, because that was probably the most damaging and most controversial diagnosis 870 00:59:30.980 --> 00:59:36.420 I've ever had in my life. All right, shared that. Like I 871 00:59:36.460 --> 00:59:38.889 said, I was excited. I found an answer. It's okay, everybody, 872 00:59:38.889 --> 00:59:43.929 I'm not an asshole. It just have bipolar disorder. So apparently everyone's 873 00:59:43.969 --> 00:59:47.090 like, yeah, we figured fucking asshole look great. Thanks for your support 874 00:59:47.610 --> 00:59:51.889 anyway. So I left town and went left from San Francisco to Los Angeles, 875 00:59:52.250 --> 00:59:57.159 where I went to work for okay, millennial run company, super cool, 876 00:59:57.320 --> 00:60:00.880 loved it. Texa Tech Company, like we built software and we had 877 00:60:01.039 --> 00:60:05.920 no conference tables anywhere in the office. Was All about community and sitting and 878 00:60:06.039 --> 00:60:09.949 exposing your souls. So my dumb ass of course, says, Hey, 879 00:60:10.070 --> 00:60:15.150 yeah, I have bipolar disorder. Just found out. Skip to do I 880 00:60:15.829 --> 00:60:17.710 I just tell this to fucking room of fifteen people I just started work with 881 00:60:17.909 --> 00:60:22.500 right and my supervisors and the CEO of the company and all the Shit. 882 00:60:23.500 --> 00:60:29.260 Well later then, if you ever fuck up at work, it's just so 883 00:60:29.619 --> 00:60:32.260 easily dismissed up. Oh it's the bipolar disorder. It's like, no, 884 00:60:32.579 --> 00:60:36.650 Buntherfucker, it's like you didn't train me on that one thing I asked five 885 00:60:36.690 --> 00:60:39.250 times to be trained on. It's the bipolar disorder. Oh now he's acting 886 00:60:39.289 --> 00:60:44.210 up as the bipolar disorder. Or now this, now he's calling in sick, 887 00:60:44.250 --> 00:60:45.210 and now that must be the bipole. So you know, you just 888 00:60:45.329 --> 00:60:51.239 become everything becomes your fucking diagnosis. That's where I'm like, now, let's 889 00:60:51.280 --> 00:60:53.039 not do that again. If you know what I mean, they would have, 890 00:60:53.159 --> 00:60:58.000 everybody would have thought of different things if or maybe got to the root 891 00:60:58.079 --> 00:61:00.719 of the problem, if fifteen different people thought of me fifteen different ways. 892 00:61:00.760 --> 00:61:06.630 But the moment I gave them that Ammo, the bipolar disorder label, instantly 893 00:61:06.670 --> 00:61:09.429 all fifteen could come to a consensus that, oh, he must be fucked 894 00:61:09.469 --> 00:61:13.590 up because of the bipolar disorder, which you know, may or may not 895 00:61:13.710 --> 00:61:17.940 be true. HMM, no, exactly. Or you know that the on 896 00:61:19.099 --> 00:61:22.219 that side. And then on the flip side, to of kind of how 897 00:61:22.300 --> 00:61:27.219 we were talking about when you just you blame it on the bipolar yourself, 898 00:61:27.820 --> 00:61:30.300 you know, like Oh yeah, like you know, and then you start 899 00:61:30.340 --> 00:61:32.289 to think, you start to think that. That's what happened to me was 900 00:61:32.329 --> 00:61:35.769 I started to just be like, oh well, let's just because of this, 901 00:61:35.929 --> 00:61:37.769 so I guess I just have to deal with it, you know, 902 00:61:37.849 --> 00:61:40.489 I mean like our oh I guess I'm acting like this because of that. 903 00:61:42.090 --> 00:61:45.289 But now for you to say, you know, to hear other people say 904 00:61:45.289 --> 00:61:50.000 it like that, that just makes it ten times even more difficult to get 905 00:61:50.119 --> 00:61:52.679 yourself off of that thought that you don't have. You know that you shouldn't 906 00:61:52.719 --> 00:61:57.320 have that label or you shouldn't eat. For sure, you like it like 907 00:61:57.559 --> 00:62:01.110 in the end, does having the label do more help or do more hurt? 908 00:62:01.150 --> 00:62:06.949 M So it I believe it does more hurt. I really do. 909 00:62:07.309 --> 00:62:09.989 I mean probably just from the experience that I've had. It hasn't. It 910 00:62:10.150 --> 00:62:15.030 hasn't helped me. Here's here's the other thing too. So it also depends 911 00:62:15.070 --> 00:62:20.099 even in your social circles what you have. So I did an episode recently 912 00:62:20.260 --> 00:62:22.780 on what I call this safety net that many people don't have. And here's 913 00:62:22.820 --> 00:62:28.179 why I like consider a net is a bunch of ropes connected where they crossed 914 00:62:28.260 --> 00:62:30.610 by little fixtures, will call them nodes, right, to keep them separated 915 00:62:30.690 --> 00:62:36.010 as a net. So each of those little nodes is a person in your 916 00:62:36.090 --> 00:62:38.489 social life, your family, your friends, are co workers, and then 917 00:62:38.530 --> 00:62:42.570 there's just a bunch of role playing around. Well, most of the people 918 00:62:42.650 --> 00:62:45.679 I know the rope is not connected to the nodes in any kind of safety 919 00:62:45.719 --> 00:62:50.559 net, right. So if you're falling, the people you know will not 920 00:62:50.679 --> 00:62:53.000 come together. They don't even know each other in most cases. Like your 921 00:62:53.119 --> 00:62:55.960 CO worker won't call your brother, your sister, your fat I mean there's 922 00:62:57.000 --> 00:63:00.230 obviously ethical lines, but still amongst your friends, they don't talk amongst each 923 00:63:00.230 --> 00:63:04.949 other. If they all say you got fifty facebook friends, for example, 924 00:63:05.550 --> 00:63:07.469 and all of them know you're hurting, but none of them talk to each 925 00:63:07.469 --> 00:63:14.980 other, you don't really have a net. Yep. Conversely, if you 926 00:63:15.059 --> 00:63:20.579 tell people about your diagnosis after you hit the ground and almost died, sometimes 927 00:63:20.659 --> 00:63:23.139 that net will almost become like a capture net. They will. You'll be 928 00:63:23.260 --> 00:63:27.570 held back. Now, instead of that net ever being your safety net, 929 00:63:27.929 --> 00:63:30.690 now you're stuck in it because people of now they've got you where they want 930 00:63:30.690 --> 00:63:35.769 you. Oh, he's mentally ill. Cool, I can easily categorize that 931 00:63:35.929 --> 00:63:38.889 person in my mind move on with my life and well, I hope he 932 00:63:39.050 --> 00:63:45.639 I hope the best form, but I can't help him. Oh my gosh. 933 00:63:45.079 --> 00:63:49.480 And that know, and when you were and you said when you met 934 00:63:49.599 --> 00:63:53.719 mentioned family. You know, that's another thing that that's exactly how it works 935 00:63:53.840 --> 00:63:59.590 to like you can not be really okay. Just for example, right now, 936 00:63:59.670 --> 00:64:01.349 I just know this is what would happen. So right now, you 937 00:64:01.429 --> 00:64:03.670 know, things are, you know, going okay in my life. I 938 00:64:03.789 --> 00:64:08.030 have selt you know what I mean. I have some pist really positive things 939 00:64:08.110 --> 00:64:10.659 going. You know, I really don't have a lot to complain about. 940 00:64:10.820 --> 00:64:13.900 Yeah, that always acknowledge the blessings, for sure, right, right. 941 00:64:14.340 --> 00:64:16.579 But if I have, but I you know, we do have those moments, 942 00:64:16.659 --> 00:64:19.380 sometimes weeks, where we hit rock bottom for a minute and we just 943 00:64:19.500 --> 00:64:23.420 gotta you know, we really have to work hard to pick ourselves back up. 944 00:64:23.820 --> 00:64:26.929 But if I was to have this moment where, like I really lost 945 00:64:26.969 --> 00:64:29.690 it, you know, I lost it and I had to go to the 946 00:64:29.769 --> 00:64:32.610 hospital and I was medicated, guess who would be at my front door? 947 00:64:32.809 --> 00:64:36.849 My entire family, you know what I mean, like my Stepmom, my 948 00:64:36.929 --> 00:64:40.199 dad, you know what I mean, to be there to me, to 949 00:64:40.239 --> 00:64:42.719 be like, oh my gosh, you know, this whole time you were 950 00:64:42.800 --> 00:64:45.159 just struggling with this and you know, you know what I'm saying it. 951 00:64:45.239 --> 00:64:49.679 I yeah, that's awesome. I knew that existed somewhere. Yeah, and 952 00:64:50.480 --> 00:64:55.269 you know. So, so, basically, you know and and like you 953 00:64:55.389 --> 00:64:59.269 have this but like, but at the same time, you know, they 954 00:64:59.469 --> 00:65:03.230 don't like right now, like struggling with these little things that I do have. 955 00:65:03.630 --> 00:65:05.949 You know, they're like, oh well, you're just acting like this 956 00:65:06.139 --> 00:65:10.420 person. You're acting like your mom. Did you take your meds? Yeah, 957 00:65:10.460 --> 00:65:14.900 yeah, exactly, that's what day. Yeah, so it's just, 958 00:65:15.019 --> 00:65:18.579 I don't know, it's just it's so hard because, like, I feel 959 00:65:18.619 --> 00:65:23.329 like coming out and having that label and then telling, you know, telling 960 00:65:23.409 --> 00:65:27.329 your family, especially, like, let's go on this a little bit. 961 00:65:27.369 --> 00:65:30.369 You know, if you're depending on who your family is and how your family 962 00:65:30.809 --> 00:65:33.849 you know, how you were brought up. Like some people would really feel 963 00:65:33.889 --> 00:65:39.679 extremely uncomfortable telling their parents that they suffer from a mental disorder. And I'm 964 00:65:39.679 --> 00:65:43.280 talking you know, they expect better out of you. Yes, they expect 965 00:65:43.400 --> 00:65:46.159 you to be this person or be this great basketball player. You know, 966 00:65:46.239 --> 00:65:50.150 I'm just throwing self out there. But most other cultures to like America is 967 00:65:50.309 --> 00:65:57.190 unique and it's yes, in that will acknowledge it more, but other countries 968 00:65:57.230 --> 00:66:03.190 don't, like India, the Asian countries in particular, African countries, this 969 00:66:03.190 --> 00:66:08.380 is all like very stigmatized. You do not acknowledge mental illness. That is 970 00:66:08.460 --> 00:66:11.980 purely a weakness. It's not the mental illness, you're just having a fucking 971 00:66:12.059 --> 00:66:15.739 bad day. Get over wake up tomorrow and Change Your Life. MMM, 972 00:66:15.099 --> 00:66:17.380 they don't there. I don't want to say they don't believe in it, 973 00:66:17.460 --> 00:66:21.570 but they don't really acknowledge it. Yeah, and that go ahead. It's 974 00:66:21.610 --> 00:66:26.090 not a it's not a denial of science thing. It's a very entrenched in 975 00:66:26.130 --> 00:66:30.289 the culture thing, much like in the way that in Japan, Japanese culture, 976 00:66:30.050 --> 00:66:33.960 they don't aspire to be happy. The condition of happiness is not a 977 00:66:34.079 --> 00:66:38.480 thing to them. MM. So much in the same way of all the 978 00:66:38.599 --> 00:66:43.159 different parts of the world. The condition of being mentally ill is just your 979 00:66:43.199 --> 00:66:46.190 thinking wrong, think differently. Yeah, right, but that, you know, 980 00:66:46.309 --> 00:66:49.590 it's great as crazy that you bring that up, because that's something about, 981 00:66:50.710 --> 00:66:55.590 you know, with the when you use a Hindu religion in particular, 982 00:66:56.030 --> 00:67:00.309 you know they don't. It's not about like you're never going to get to 983 00:67:00.670 --> 00:67:02.980 a happiness. It's always like your you know what I mean, you your 984 00:67:03.019 --> 00:67:06.380 whole life like you don't. You're not trying to search for happiness, you're 985 00:67:06.420 --> 00:67:11.739 just supposed to be, you know, in the moment, every single like 986 00:67:12.019 --> 00:67:14.659 second of your life. Putting much like that, they try to tell you, 987 00:67:14.820 --> 00:67:18.690 like it's not about being happy every day, it's about being in each 988 00:67:18.849 --> 00:67:24.090 and every single moment of every part of your day and never, you know, 989 00:67:24.250 --> 00:67:34.400 going back on on your your path, and now back to the wall. 990 -->