Bipolar Party: Bryan shares about his recent divorce and separation from his kids

WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.080 --> 00:00:15.310 It's only and now it's online Bible this stylecom emotions, Bible style. Bam, 2 00:00:16.309 --> 00:00:20.949 dog days of August rolling right along. I appreciate you. Thanks for 3 00:00:21.070 --> 00:00:25.539 being a new listener. I'm johnny emotions and this is the johnny emotions show. 4 00:00:26.219 --> 00:00:30.780 So I also run a different show called bipolar style, and part of 5 00:00:30.940 --> 00:00:34.740 that offshoot of that, I guess would be the fan club, so to 6 00:00:34.820 --> 00:00:39.210 speak, if you're using music industry terms. I started a slack channel. 7 00:00:39.649 --> 00:00:45.929 I pointed my domain name, bipolar Partycom to that slack channel and there are 8 00:00:46.009 --> 00:00:50.200 people there now that we talk and commiserate about our issues, our mental health 9 00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:57.320 issues specifically, and many of them wanted to share their voices through the podcast 10 00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:00.399 medium, which is awesome. So today we're going to be like a fly 11 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:07.590 on the wall at a bipolar party podcast where various people share about their different 12 00:01:07.909 --> 00:01:14.189 struggles they've been going through. This week this particular segment is Brian from North 13 00:01:14.269 --> 00:01:19.420 Carolina sharing some issues he's had regarding recent divorce and separation from his children. 14 00:01:19.939 --> 00:01:23.780 So I hope you enjoy it. There's another one coming up right after that 15 00:01:25.659 --> 00:01:30.019 and and then a Monday we'll get back to some regular rants and raves probably 16 00:01:30.340 --> 00:01:34.489 not so mental health related. Cool, cool. Hope you having a great 17 00:01:34.530 --> 00:01:38.290 weekend and I'll hit you on the back side of this episode. Joe, 18 00:01:40.209 --> 00:01:47.359 join the Party. ADD BIPOLAR PARTYCOM welcome back to the bipolar party. I'm 19 00:01:47.439 --> 00:01:53.319 here with Brian, holly and Becky and I'll let you each introduce yourselves and 20 00:01:53.480 --> 00:01:57.799 tell us a little bit about how your week was going and whether or not 21 00:01:57.920 --> 00:02:02.189 you would like to share more later. So let's start with Brian. Hey, 22 00:02:04.310 --> 00:02:13.710 my name's Brian, I'm my I had a pretty crappy week, but 23 00:02:13.990 --> 00:02:20.340 I would like to share later. Awesome. Thanks, Brian Holly, I 24 00:02:20.539 --> 00:02:24.699 had an okay week. It's been it's been getting back on my medication, 25 00:02:24.860 --> 00:02:29.500 so kind of just researching a lot of mental health stuff. So it's been 26 00:02:29.580 --> 00:02:34.210 a very eye opening week, but overall it's been okay. It's not a 27 00:02:34.289 --> 00:02:37.810 lot I need to share. Okay, we'll have some time if you want 28 00:02:37.810 --> 00:02:40.129 to share after after Brian's done, and see if becky wants to share. 29 00:02:40.210 --> 00:02:46.199 Thanks. Hey, Becky, what's up? Hey, I'm becky and my 30 00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:53.199 week is been kind of up and down and I will totally shared today. 31 00:02:53.240 --> 00:03:00.990 Awesome. If bicky's voice sounds familiar, Vicky hosts the podcast that B word, 32 00:03:00.229 --> 00:03:05.629 which focus is on bipolar and borderline and the beauty of being such a 33 00:03:05.949 --> 00:03:10.990 just a bitching person in general. I'm the fourth person in this square circle. 34 00:03:12.069 --> 00:03:15.780 My name is John. I've had a crappy week and I will share. 35 00:03:16.860 --> 00:03:21.300 So thanks. Let's get started. Let's start with you, Brian. 36 00:03:21.460 --> 00:03:28.129 What would you like to share today? Well, I've been divorced for about 37 00:03:28.169 --> 00:03:37.330 six months and it was a shot getting divorced. It was hard on me. 38 00:03:38.610 --> 00:03:45.199 But now I got a phone call it yesterday that my ex wife has 39 00:03:46.199 --> 00:03:52.319 got remarried two weeks ago and I didn't know that she was even dating anybody. 40 00:03:53.319 --> 00:04:03.069 And I know some people it might sound ridiculous that, but there's a 41 00:04:03.189 --> 00:04:13.099 morning process that you have to go through when you get divorced and I just 42 00:04:13.900 --> 00:04:18.699 it just hurt and I last night I felt like my life was over. 43 00:04:19.779 --> 00:04:31.009 I had suicidal thoughts. I I don't know, I just I want to 44 00:04:31.050 --> 00:04:36.250 cry now. You can cry as much as you want, Brian. Well, 45 00:04:36.930 --> 00:04:45.040 it's like my Med's won't let me. Yeah, just, but it 46 00:04:45.600 --> 00:04:56.069 does stop the hurt. That's all for now. Thanks, Brian. I'll 47 00:04:56.110 --> 00:04:59.829 respond, Brian, because, well, I've been through that situation. And 48 00:04:59.870 --> 00:05:03.990 although we didn't go through the quote unquote rules at the top of the session 49 00:05:03.990 --> 00:05:09.019 here to the listeners, basically we try to respond with what we call eye 50 00:05:09.060 --> 00:05:13.660 language, I. Statements. So I want to reflect back to Brian my 51 00:05:13.819 --> 00:05:16.379 experiences. I'm not going to try to fix his experiences, but in this 52 00:05:16.459 --> 00:05:21.250 case, Brian, we've talked about this on the slack channel offline together a 53 00:05:21.410 --> 00:05:27.970 bit, but I was divorced she's probably fifteen years ago and I've experienced a 54 00:05:28.009 --> 00:05:32.970 lot of the things you're going through right now. It's the remarried married part 55 00:05:33.129 --> 00:05:38.160 so quickly seemed like such a stab in the back to me because it seems, 56 00:05:38.600 --> 00:05:41.120 it just seemed like to me that nobody can fall in love in six 57 00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:44.720 months. That means you fucking plan this shit earlier and I'd been duped. 58 00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:47.639 That's what it felt like to me. It probably feels like that too many 59 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:51.389 people because you simply just don't I guess it's possible, I mean you could 60 00:05:51.389 --> 00:05:55.709 find somebody and fall in love in a day and then run off to feed 61 00:05:55.790 --> 00:05:59.670 you or something, but when, when you live a basic American life, 62 00:06:00.069 --> 00:06:02.870 wrapped up in your normal routine, it's hard to find somebody to fall in 63 00:06:02.949 --> 00:06:05.779 love with them. When somebody does it and gets married within a six month 64 00:06:05.819 --> 00:06:10.899 period, it just seems like there was some shenanigans happening beforehand. And of 65 00:06:11.019 --> 00:06:14.300 course, who are you to go tell the kids? Hey, your mom 66 00:06:14.459 --> 00:06:16.699 playing this. See, it was a trap. You know, they're little 67 00:06:16.699 --> 00:06:19.050 kids. They're not going to believe it. It's inappropriate to tell them, 68 00:06:19.129 --> 00:06:23.689 but you know it, dude, eventually they will find out everything. They're 69 00:06:23.689 --> 00:06:26.930 always going to be your kids. They're clearly old enough to know who their 70 00:06:27.009 --> 00:06:30.129 dad is. It doesn't matter who they live with. But I just remembered 71 00:06:31.329 --> 00:06:34.839 one of the frustrating things that I encountered was that, why aren't my kids 72 00:06:34.920 --> 00:06:38.759 sticking up for me? Why aren't they saying anything? These are my kids. 73 00:06:38.759 --> 00:06:41.680 I know they love me, I know I love them. But then, 74 00:06:41.800 --> 00:06:45.399 you know, someone finally reflected back to me that will dude. You 75 00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:47.790 move a lot. They can't stay with you. They have to stay with 76 00:06:47.870 --> 00:06:51.589 their mom. They're just trying to make their own lives as peaceful as possible. 77 00:06:51.870 --> 00:06:56.470 They're not going to bite the hand that feeds it. So as like, 78 00:06:56.629 --> 00:07:00.790 okay, okay. So that kind of satisfied my why aren't they sticking 79 00:07:00.829 --> 00:07:03.500 up for me? Bit and so it turned out to be true, like 80 00:07:03.660 --> 00:07:06.699 ten years later, like they're now off to college and doing those type of 81 00:07:06.740 --> 00:07:11.379 things, but we hang out frequently and they know all of the truth. 82 00:07:11.819 --> 00:07:15.170 So I hate to say, dude, things will get better in ten years, 83 00:07:15.730 --> 00:07:19.490 but I know they'll get better because I've seen it. And it's not 84 00:07:19.610 --> 00:07:23.170 just me. I've seen other because people used to tell me, like an 85 00:07:23.250 --> 00:07:26.850 older dudes would tell me this when I was back in your spot, and 86 00:07:27.050 --> 00:07:29.569 I didn't it wasn't that I didn't believe them, I just didn't care. 87 00:07:29.649 --> 00:07:33.240 I was so hopeless and so out of faith, out of everything, that 88 00:07:33.480 --> 00:07:35.879 just didn't matter to me. I just didn't want to live without my kids 89 00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:41.639 in my life, but the thought of them being alive on the planet and 90 00:07:41.759 --> 00:07:46.709 existing kept me waking up each day after that. So there's tons of dudes 91 00:07:46.790 --> 00:07:48.910 like us that are dad's that have been pulled away from our kids that feel 92 00:07:48.910 --> 00:07:51.470 the same way as you. So I have lots of empathy for you. 93 00:07:51.550 --> 00:07:55.310 Man, if I can give you a hug from California to North Carolina, 94 00:07:55.350 --> 00:08:03.500 I would. Yeah, that's a big hug. I swore to myself that 95 00:08:03.540 --> 00:08:09.740 I would keep my kids out of it and not bad mouth their mom or 96 00:08:09.339 --> 00:08:18.730 try to find out details on the marriage or, like, I have so 97 00:08:18.850 --> 00:08:28.920 many questions, like I want to I want to know things. You know, 98 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:33.360 you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I want to know. How 99 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:37.480 long did you how long did you a date? You know, where did 100 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:45.710 you meet? Where did you meet this person? I don't know. Just 101 00:08:45.870 --> 00:08:50.789 so many questions and I think I feel like when when you're in those situations, 102 00:08:50.789 --> 00:08:52.789 then you don't have those answers in your mind just goes to the responsible 103 00:08:52.870 --> 00:08:58.899 plays right, like your mind just goes to me, like the worst kid 104 00:09:00.139 --> 00:09:01.419 area, because it might not like it might not be that in cities. 105 00:09:01.460 --> 00:09:05.100 I'm I'm the exact same way, like I think worst case scenario all the 106 00:09:05.179 --> 00:09:07.860 time. And like John, like I think you're right, like you might 107 00:09:07.899 --> 00:09:11.529 be able to meet someone afterwards and fall in love really quickly, but that's 108 00:09:13.289 --> 00:09:16.049 that's kind of crazy. So you will want to know those answers so your 109 00:09:16.090 --> 00:09:22.730 mind doesn't just spin. Somebody brought up. Sorry, go ahead, Brian. 110 00:09:24.639 --> 00:09:37.799 Well, I feel jealous and I I don't know. I shouldn't feel 111 00:09:37.799 --> 00:09:43.269 jealous, like it makes me want to run out and find somebody. It's 112 00:09:43.309 --> 00:09:48.070 not that easy. It's hard. That is a good cure, though. 113 00:09:48.509 --> 00:09:50.710 As it turned out, when I first got divorced, my wife was the 114 00:09:50.750 --> 00:09:56.059 one that left. I still waited a year, consciously because I did not 115 00:09:56.299 --> 00:09:58.860 want a rebound relationship. I'm not that good at relationships anyway, so I 116 00:09:58.980 --> 00:10:03.460 didn't want the extra layer of well, what if this is just a rebound? 117 00:10:03.179 --> 00:10:07.370 So I waited and man, the moment I found somebody else to date, 118 00:10:07.409 --> 00:10:11.169 or little, I mean specifically it was having sex with somebody new. 119 00:10:11.690 --> 00:10:15.769 That was exciting, I'm like, Oh Shit, Oh what this is? 120 00:10:16.009 --> 00:10:18.330 Oh, never mind, I think I could do this divorce thing. And 121 00:10:18.450 --> 00:10:22.639 I'm not trying to be callous, but that really is how it how it 122 00:10:22.759 --> 00:10:24.879 worked like once, because I was not a cheater kind of person. I 123 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:28.799 wasn't into that. I just I like being with one person. It's too 124 00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:35.440 much to think about other relationships. But man, once I once literally found 125 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:37.789 somebody else to have sex with them, everything changed. But then I had 126 00:10:37.830 --> 00:10:41.470 to process other feelings of guilt, like Oh well, now I'm fucking this 127 00:10:41.590 --> 00:10:46.590 other person and and I'm picking up my kids tomorrow for the weekend, and 128 00:10:46.789 --> 00:10:52.139 it just there's different feelings. But breaking that jealousy feeling was important, but 129 00:10:52.379 --> 00:10:56.659 not not so important where I would just go chase it around, you know 130 00:10:56.740 --> 00:11:00.860 what I mean? HMM and Grat jet. The jealousy is valid. Dude, 131 00:11:00.899 --> 00:11:03.370 there's another person with your kids, because I kept thinking about that on 132 00:11:03.490 --> 00:11:07.090 my God art like would I be jealous if I had my kids, like 133 00:11:07.289 --> 00:11:11.370 if my wife just left me with some other dude and I still had my 134 00:11:11.409 --> 00:11:13.610 kids in my house and my car and the life that I had? What 135 00:11:13.730 --> 00:11:15.850 I'd be jealous? Man? I was like no, actually, I don't 136 00:11:15.850 --> 00:11:18.169 think so. It is the kids that I'm jealous about. It's like I'm 137 00:11:18.169 --> 00:11:20.759 jealous I'm missing out on the days and the weeks, in the months and 138 00:11:20.799 --> 00:11:26.200 years of my fucking kids lives for without explanation. And back to your point 139 00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:31.519 about why? Why? Why? I finally relieve the strain of that once. 140 00:11:31.799 --> 00:11:33.789 I think was like a person at my dbs, a group, who 141 00:11:33.870 --> 00:11:37.549 is like a monk, would call his Buddhist type person, and he said 142 00:11:37.590 --> 00:11:41.509 you don't ask why, just ask how. The answer is in the how. 143 00:11:43.750 --> 00:11:45.789 I'm like, Huh, well, that's much easier to find out, 144 00:11:45.789 --> 00:11:50.539 and because you can prevent in many ways the how from happening again, but 145 00:11:50.740 --> 00:11:56.340 you'll never be able to prevent somebody else's why from happening again. HMM. 146 00:11:58.860 --> 00:12:03.009 How are you feeling today anyways, like right now, because you mentioned you 147 00:12:03.090 --> 00:12:05.690 were feeling a bit suicidal last night. You feel like a little better? 148 00:12:05.730 --> 00:12:13.929 Yeah, I'm not. I'm not be on suicidal today. That's good, 149 00:12:15.009 --> 00:12:16.840 because it's hard to say. You sound, you know, reasonable in your 150 00:12:16.840 --> 00:12:20.360 voice and relative to the other times we've spoken, you sound upbeat, but 151 00:12:20.960 --> 00:12:26.159 I know I sound up beat most of the time and I've been fucking super 152 00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:30.590 miserable lately. So for anybody new to the mental health game, and if 153 00:12:30.590 --> 00:12:35.110 you hear people talking like this, sometimes we're actually very sick at the moment. 154 00:12:35.190 --> 00:12:37.629 We just don't sound like it because we're used to dealing with this and 155 00:12:37.750 --> 00:12:41.309 we have to put on this act when we go in public. So we 156 00:12:41.389 --> 00:12:45.659 can't really diminish anybody's feelings. And if someone says they're feeling suicidal, just 157 00:12:45.899 --> 00:12:50.460 take it seriously, like ask them how they're really feeling. Not Trying to 158 00:12:50.500 --> 00:12:52.659 patronize you right now, Brian, or anything, but that's serious and we 159 00:12:52.940 --> 00:12:56.980 care about you. So can I can I say a couple things in regards 160 00:12:58.019 --> 00:13:01.529 to what you said, of course, what you said about being jealous of 161 00:13:01.730 --> 00:13:07.210 your kids I don't know if I was right or wrong and saying this, 162 00:13:09.090 --> 00:13:16.399 but she didn't do it anyway, but I told her because I have three 163 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:20.919 girls, and I told her, I said, if you start dating somebody, 164 00:13:20.919 --> 00:13:22.960 I want to know about it, because I want to know if another 165 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:28.950 man's bent around my around my girls. Well, she didn't tell me and 166 00:13:28.149 --> 00:13:33.470 I might have been wrong and saying that, and now she's married and somebody 167 00:13:33.509 --> 00:13:37.149 else is living in the same house with my girls and it makes me jealous. 168 00:13:39.070 --> 00:13:41.620 It makes me feel like, oh, they got a new daddy, 169 00:13:43.580 --> 00:13:48.779 you know. Yeah, and sure se's probably better than I am. NOPE, 170 00:13:50.179 --> 00:13:54.539 Andy, they do not love him more, do they don't even know 171 00:13:54.700 --> 00:13:58.409 the guy that much. Yeah, you are. You are in their DNA 172 00:14:01.169 --> 00:14:03.450 right since day once, since they popped out. There's the smell, the 173 00:14:03.889 --> 00:14:07.850 aura, all of that stuff. You're their dad, dude. You Jealousy 174 00:14:09.289 --> 00:14:13.399 is valid. I'm not sure asking a woman to inform you of her dating 175 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:18.919 choices. Is Everything work out? I felt the same way. I felt 176 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:22.679 like I had a right to know what was going on. Apparently the courts 177 00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:26.429 don't care about our right so to think. We know, we should know 178 00:14:26.590 --> 00:14:30.629 those things. But yeah, the everything you're saying is so valid we should 179 00:14:30.669 --> 00:14:35.190 just do a whole podcast series about dad's with mental illnesses being separated from their 180 00:14:35.230 --> 00:14:39.980 kids. That's that's how pervasive it is. It's horrible. Sure, yeah, 181 00:14:41.620 --> 00:14:43.820 sorry, sorry, women, didn't mean to leave you out of the 182 00:14:43.899 --> 00:14:50.379 conversation right there. It's fine, man, that it's just so tough here, 183 00:14:50.740 --> 00:14:54.210 Brian, just add a little levity to that. So I eventually came 184 00:14:54.250 --> 00:14:58.409 around to the idea like, okay, fine, but my ex had started 185 00:14:58.450 --> 00:15:03.330 dating my best friend from work. It's not it would been a plan from 186 00:15:03.409 --> 00:15:07.879 like a year and a half or two years prior. Put all the pieces 187 00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:11.399 together and like, you guys suck ass. So I'm trying to take the 188 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:15.039 high road, right, and the high road is bumpy as hell. The 189 00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:18.720 high road is the toughest fucking road to take, man. So they, 190 00:15:18.080 --> 00:15:22.230 you know, snarkily sent me an invite to their wedding, you know, 191 00:15:22.429 --> 00:15:24.029 and I'm like, you know what, far right, I'm fucking going to 192 00:15:24.110 --> 00:15:28.149 your wedding and you know what, I'm bringing my twenty year old girlfriend with 193 00:15:28.309 --> 00:15:31.070 me. How about that? I was like thirty five and I found a 194 00:15:31.110 --> 00:15:33.830 twenty year old girlfriend on craigslist. So we're like, yeah, we're fucking 195 00:15:33.870 --> 00:15:39.379 going. So and they had a Goddamn a kiss cover band play at their 196 00:15:39.419 --> 00:15:43.259 wedding. I'm like, this is absurd. Am I on a real life 197 00:15:43.299 --> 00:15:45.820 or is this a set up? What the fuck is that going on in 198 00:15:45.940 --> 00:15:48.820 here? And then they invited my mom. What do you think my mom 199 00:15:48.059 --> 00:15:54.970 said? He guesses. Instead, my mom sat at the bride's table with 200 00:15:56.330 --> 00:16:00.009 no family and her new husband's family. Oh, and I'm and then the 201 00:16:00.210 --> 00:16:03.009 aunt, the sister, gets up and gives a speech, dude, in 202 00:16:03.129 --> 00:16:07.919 front of three hundred people. Well, I'm glad that Tony is now here 203 00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:11.919 to take care of the kids, because they haven't always had a man in 204 00:16:11.960 --> 00:16:15.200 their life. And I'm like, I'm sitting right fucking here, ha ha 205 00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:18.830 ha, dude, I've been through a lot with that bullshit. I mean, 206 00:16:18.870 --> 00:16:22.990 I you, I would be one of the guys cheering for Oj I 207 00:16:23.149 --> 00:16:26.389 was so mad back of the day. I'm like, are you fucking kidding 208 00:16:26.470 --> 00:16:29.470 me? And like I you know, he might have did it, but 209 00:16:29.549 --> 00:16:33.220 I don't care. Sometimes you just get that fucking points like, Oh my 210 00:16:33.299 --> 00:16:36.740 God, you guys are going to make me kill somebody. So I never 211 00:16:36.860 --> 00:16:38.980 ended up doing it, fortunately. And then I started channel all that energy 212 00:16:40.100 --> 00:16:41.580 inward and then I want to kill myself because I'm like, well, fuck 213 00:16:41.620 --> 00:16:47.490 if, if they effectively replaced me and surgically removed all the pictures of me 214 00:16:47.529 --> 00:16:51.610 from their house, I'm just I'm pointless, I'm useless, I'm just a 215 00:16:51.769 --> 00:17:00.690 paycheck, and I think, I think I'm gonna I like what you said 216 00:17:00.730 --> 00:17:07.400 about what's your Buddhist friends said. Don't think of the why, I think 217 00:17:07.480 --> 00:17:12.000 of the how. Yeah, and that's so. I don't you know what 218 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:18.430 the how are? The mistakes I made or and or just things that happened. 219 00:17:19.069 --> 00:17:22.549 They might think that not everything that happened is your fault, Dude. 220 00:17:22.589 --> 00:17:26.150 Right, mistakes can be made on every side of the equation, and that's 221 00:17:26.349 --> 00:17:33.339 that's some good star warship right there. Y's Yoda. I think star wars 222 00:17:33.339 --> 00:17:41.099 is mostly ripped off of rights religious literature. But yeah, going back to 223 00:17:41.220 --> 00:17:45.809 dating again. No offense, holly, but I want to turn. I 224 00:17:45.930 --> 00:17:51.369 want to trade my ex wife and for two four, two twenty year olds. 225 00:17:56.529 --> 00:18:00.200 That would cure your current feeling, for sure. They would change you 226 00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:03.359 gain. I'll tell you what. All right, man, if did you 227 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:07.519 few, you get enough? What's that? That's a damn good band aid 228 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:11.599 for the situation. Yeah, yeah, I'm done. I appreciate your share, 229 00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:17.910 Dude. It's bold and brave and even a days just share those kind 230 00:18:17.910 --> 00:18:19.349 of things with the public. And you know that this goes out to the 231 00:18:19.470 --> 00:18:25.910 public and you could use a pseudonym, a screen name or something else, 232 00:18:25.990 --> 00:18:30.299 but you use your real name, Brian, so that's awesome. You're brave, 233 00:18:30.299 --> 00:18:33.819 dude. I appreciate you. Thanks for sharing. I'm an open book. 234 00:18:33.059 --> 00:18:37.500 Yeah, man, Brian's going to start his own podcast shortly called bipolar 235 00:18:37.980 --> 00:18:41.730 belief. Yes, we'll track him and promote I meant. I meant to 236 00:18:41.849 --> 00:18:53.289 try to try to do a test recording this weekend, but this happened and 237 00:18:53.849 --> 00:19:00.200 I've been, you know, process. I just I just shared everything I've 238 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:03.079 been feeling. So I can't. I can't do it. You'll ye, 239 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:07.839 understandably. Yeah, and you'll feel better in a couple hours to just having 240 00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:11.869 that weightlifted off, knowing that it's out into the world that you have support, 241 00:19:11.029 --> 00:19:15.029 that we believe you, you're validated. It means a lot when you 242 00:19:15.069 --> 00:19:18.349 go out to the world feeling like that. HMM, that's cool, man. 243 00:19:18.470 --> 00:19:22.549 Thanks. Brian's like the East Coast Conservative version of me. It's kind 244 00:19:22.589 --> 00:19:25.180 of neat and you can see how well we get along. We don't argue 245 00:19:25.299 --> 00:19:30.099 politics or anything like that. HMM, cool man. Okay, so, 246 00:19:30.819 --> 00:19:33.220 Becky, you said you definitely had a share. You want to go? 247 00:19:34.380 --> 00:19:38.210 Did I say I definitely had a share? Well, let's check the instant 248 00:19:38.250 --> 00:19:47.529 replay. My Week is then kind of up and down and I will totally 249 00:19:47.609 --> 00:19:57.400 share. Today sees joys. Excuse me,