Abandonment and Isolation, Bipolar Style

WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.120 --> 00:00:11.910 It's only and now it's online Bible. This stylecom join emotions with Bible style. 2 00:00:15.310 --> 00:00:21.500 You. Hey, it's me. Thanks for having me this episode. 3 00:00:22.420 --> 00:00:57.119 My bipolar episode today is about abandonment and isolation alone, so shout out to 4 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:03.390 the gorillas there. That song is titled Appropriately Enough. All alone. Love 5 00:01:03.469 --> 00:01:07.150 that song. So, yeah, today we're going to talk about abandonment. 6 00:01:07.950 --> 00:01:15.829 I'm recording live from my little studio in Rainy San Francisco. Got Some rainy 7 00:01:15.870 --> 00:01:21.459 weather and you might hear cars go by. Remember, I'm not going to 8 00:01:21.500 --> 00:01:25.540 keep repeating this every episode, but so, like if you're new and you 9 00:01:25.620 --> 00:01:30.500 hear noise in the background, that's kind of intentional. Couple episodes back I 10 00:01:30.579 --> 00:01:33.569 started talking about moving to a different office and then I moved to a new 11 00:01:33.650 --> 00:01:36.930 office and now I have a new studio. It's right where I wanted it 12 00:01:37.049 --> 00:01:40.489 to be in many ways. I'll talk about that later in the podcast. 13 00:01:40.849 --> 00:01:46.409 But yeah, so part of that is I'm like literally like if three stories, 14 00:01:46.450 --> 00:01:52.480 maybe forty feet above a busy intersection in the heart of downtown San Francisco. 15 00:01:52.519 --> 00:01:57.599 All right, cool, that said. Man, have you been? 16 00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:04.430 I know I'm pretty sporadic at putting out podcasts and I apologize, but you 17 00:02:04.590 --> 00:02:08.909 have bipolar disorder, presumably, so I think you get it and I thank 18 00:02:08.949 --> 00:02:14.270 you for that. So my head is kind of settled down. I'm not 19 00:02:14.349 --> 00:02:16.020 sure how to explain it. I've been in a mixed state, which is 20 00:02:17.419 --> 00:02:23.219 to the to the new folks, it's having its being depressed, actively depressed, 21 00:02:23.500 --> 00:02:28.979 having depression, clinical depression, at the same time as having features of 22 00:02:29.300 --> 00:02:32.650 mania which in it just feels like crazy. I don't know how to describe 23 00:02:32.650 --> 00:02:37.409 it any better. I felt like this when I first got diagnosed. You 24 00:02:37.569 --> 00:02:42.409 want to God, do I have to say trigger warning? I don't normally 25 00:02:42.409 --> 00:02:44.960 say trigger warning. That's kind of implied in a show like this. But 26 00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:50.639 so when I get in a mixed state is when I feel most at danger 27 00:02:50.719 --> 00:02:55.120 of myself because I'm still depressed, still sad, still not not just sad, 28 00:02:55.199 --> 00:02:58.909 had not. You know, don't confuse sadness with depression, but I'm 29 00:02:58.909 --> 00:03:02.949 also sad on top of being depressed, and I also have lots of energies 30 00:03:04.069 --> 00:03:07.509 and lots of creativity. So I'm if I, if I let that go 31 00:03:07.669 --> 00:03:13.139 the wrong direction, it leads to bad places really quickly. So anyway, 32 00:03:14.139 --> 00:03:19.099 trying to avoid that. But that's where I've been lately just Whoa, Whoa, 33 00:03:19.219 --> 00:03:25.139 whoa. However, the move has settled down, starting to find out 34 00:03:25.139 --> 00:03:30.569 more and more about my new job, which is a crazy ass job. 35 00:03:30.490 --> 00:03:34.530 So much I mean it's like the impossible job. It can never be done 36 00:03:35.289 --> 00:03:38.009 perfectly, which kind of sucks, but I'm also like one of the perfect 37 00:03:38.050 --> 00:03:42.680 people for this jobs. Takes a special person to do the work I'm doing 38 00:03:42.759 --> 00:03:46.919 and when I tell you what I do later, you'll get it anyway. 39 00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:53.680 So yeah, that's that's where I'm at San Francisco, explaining away the cars 40 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:58.349 going up the wet street and you're listening to a podcast that talks about this 41 00:03:58.430 --> 00:04:05.509 stuff. All Right, I will honor your time more effectively. So anyway, 42 00:04:05.550 --> 00:04:09.430 through my mix state, I'll actually I was going somewhere with the story. 43 00:04:09.750 --> 00:04:14.539 I just get sidetracked. So anyway I was I was going to thank 44 00:04:14.659 --> 00:04:20.019 some people, Tracy and Liz for the nice emails that emailed me. John 45 00:04:20.259 --> 00:04:29.050 at Bipolar stylecom and and you know write me thoughtful, thankful emails about the 46 00:04:29.129 --> 00:04:31.930 podcast, which totally shocked me. I forget. I look at the podcast 47 00:04:32.209 --> 00:04:36.649 statistics and there's a bunch of downloads, but they don't match up at all 48 00:04:36.730 --> 00:04:41.600 with my twitter followers, who are also really cool and active. But there's 49 00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:45.279 no correlation, apparently, very, very little. So sometimes I just get, 50 00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:46.800 you know, depressed, like I was a couple of weeks ago, 51 00:04:47.279 --> 00:04:51.990 and wonder what's it all about, why I might even doing this is it's 52 00:04:53.069 --> 00:04:59.829 ridiculous. And you know, my initial motivation is to just have an output 53 00:04:59.829 --> 00:05:04.149 to get, you know, express the vitriol and just get all the poison 54 00:05:04.230 --> 00:05:06.980 out of my system just by talking it out. I can't make it to 55 00:05:08.019 --> 00:05:12.660 an in person group every week, so this kind of helps and in a 56 00:05:12.740 --> 00:05:16.420 way this helps build a digital community as well, which is helpful to me 57 00:05:16.500 --> 00:05:20.449 because I tend to move a lot and I like to have some consistency. 58 00:05:20.490 --> 00:05:24.850 Yeah, it's been it's been a trip, but anyway. So, Tracy 59 00:05:25.050 --> 00:05:29.529 and Liz and Sean, you guys have all been super helpful, probably more 60 00:05:29.730 --> 00:05:32.850 helpful than you realized at the time. I ended up reading your emails. 61 00:05:33.250 --> 00:05:36.240 So, you know, big hugs to you guys, and thanks for the 62 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:41.959 email. I really appreciate that. I also want to give a huge, 63 00:05:41.959 --> 00:05:49.910 huge shout out to the people at Bipolar Party. All those people at bipolar 64 00:05:49.990 --> 00:05:56.790 PARTYCOM are fantastic. It's kind of like fight club for bipolar people. You 65 00:05:56.870 --> 00:06:00.910 don't really talk about what happens there at all and aside from me talking about 66 00:06:00.910 --> 00:06:02.670 it now, you don't really you know, it's not a thing a lot 67 00:06:02.709 --> 00:06:05.579 of people talk about, you know, because there's not a lot of people 68 00:06:05.620 --> 00:06:11.339 with bipolar disorder to begin with and the few of us that have it not 69 00:06:11.540 --> 00:06:14.339 meant to know about it. So you're welcome to go there. I'm trying 70 00:06:14.379 --> 00:06:16.939 to keep that a very safe place to communicate. It's not anonymous, but 71 00:06:17.100 --> 00:06:23.529 it is a private so we're not sharing anything in the main channels on the 72 00:06:23.569 --> 00:06:28.089 podcast. There's one specific channel for the PODCAST. So if you're in there 73 00:06:28.490 --> 00:06:31.089 and you want to say something or have an idea for the show, then 74 00:06:31.329 --> 00:06:34.959 jump on in. Yeah, would love to hear from you. How do 75 00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:43.199 you get there? Easy, go to bipolar PARTYCOM, not bipolar patty like 76 00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:54.750 your stassess. Oh Man, I'm not going to get over that. So 77 00:06:55.310 --> 00:07:00.310 yeah, bipolar PARTYCOM. Just go there, log in. If you're a 78 00:07:00.389 --> 00:07:05.500 slack user, you'll know what to do immediately. If you've never used slack, 79 00:07:06.180 --> 00:07:10.620 think of it as instant messenger. It just basically a new thing. 80 00:07:10.860 --> 00:07:15.250 Some millennials came around and rebranded instant messaging and now it's a thing. Oh, 81 00:07:15.370 --> 00:07:19.009 everybody uses slack, but yeah, I mean if you're old school, 82 00:07:19.009 --> 00:07:24.889 it's like instant messenger or Yahoo Messenger or whatever. Just we use slack for 83 00:07:25.050 --> 00:07:28.490 Bipolar Party. That's as simple as it. I carried around in my pocket 84 00:07:28.529 --> 00:07:31.800 and kind of we do peer to peer support on the go, whether it's 85 00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:35.439 on my phone or on my desktop or the laptop on the bus wherever. 86 00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:40.360 I'm just kidding, I don't use the laptop on the bus in this neighborhood. 87 00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:45.870 The point is, if you go to bipolar PARTYCOM and join us in 88 00:07:45.949 --> 00:07:49.029 our slack room, you'll have a connection to more and more people as it 89 00:07:49.110 --> 00:07:53.949 grows, especially people from overseas who are there late at night, which is 90 00:07:54.069 --> 00:07:57.430 awesome, because a lot of us are manic a lot of the time. 91 00:07:57.709 --> 00:08:00.660 In fact, to be in the group you really should have mania. It's 92 00:08:00.699 --> 00:08:03.660 not just for just uniqu depressive people. I get too many depressives around me 93 00:08:03.779 --> 00:08:09.379 and it brings me down. So Bipolar Party really is for people with both 94 00:08:09.740 --> 00:08:13.170 depression and mania. Don't just go up in there and dumping all your depression 95 00:08:13.250 --> 00:08:16.649 on us. Got It cool. Don't mean to be harsh, but there 96 00:08:16.689 --> 00:08:22.370 are plenty of depression only places. There are not many meet up groups for 97 00:08:22.490 --> 00:08:28.560 manic people. Feel me. It's funny that all kind of dovetails into today's 98 00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:35.039 quote unquote, topic about abandonment and isolation. So I didn't you know. 99 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:39.080 You it's hard to put the pieces together until after you've, you know, 100 00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:41.110 seen them all and turn them all over face up, if you put in 101 00:08:41.190 --> 00:08:45.470 a puzzle together. What I'm saying is you have to have lived through certain 102 00:08:45.549 --> 00:08:50.710 instances in life to look back on them to kind of figure out what things 103 00:08:50.750 --> 00:08:54.860 affected you and made you the person you are. So I've done a lot 104 00:08:54.899 --> 00:08:58.179 of brain research. I'm a brain research hobbyists for the last, you know, 105 00:08:58.500 --> 00:09:01.779 decade or so and just as a lay person, I like to be 106 00:09:01.820 --> 00:09:07.659 able to explain to other lay people how or we know what's wrong with my 107 00:09:07.779 --> 00:09:11.769 brain, because a lot of people think, oh, yeah, that's Johnny's 108 00:09:11.809 --> 00:09:15.009 he's awesome, just doesn't live up to his potential because one thing or another, 109 00:09:15.690 --> 00:09:18.570 and I'm not to endo labels, which this is why the show is 110 00:09:18.610 --> 00:09:22.730 called bipolar style and not bipolar disorder. Just, you know, it's a 111 00:09:22.769 --> 00:09:28.080 matter of preference that just feel there's some stigma attached to the word disorder. 112 00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:35.639 Go figure all that. I digressed too much. Let me focus myself here 113 00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:43.629 again. So with the whole abandonment thing. When I first was a young 114 00:09:43.710 --> 00:09:48.629 kid, I was abandoned. I was at first, I felt abandon when 115 00:09:48.710 --> 00:09:54.100 my parents divorced, and then by the time I was fourteen I was actually 116 00:09:54.179 --> 00:09:58.100 abandoned because nobody else could deal with me. And you know, thinking back 117 00:09:58.139 --> 00:10:01.779 through all the you know, various times in my childhood where I very, 118 00:10:01.820 --> 00:10:07.409 very vivid memories, I recall very specific instances of me crying for no reason. 119 00:10:07.450 --> 00:10:09.409 And I know now. I mean I remember the circumstance now clearly as 120 00:10:09.409 --> 00:10:13.169 an adult, and I'm like, HMM, it's weird. Wonder why that 121 00:10:13.250 --> 00:10:16.129 wasn't ever checked out. Now I'm not placing any blame. I get along 122 00:10:16.169 --> 00:10:18.370 with my parents. It's just fine. Now we're not close, but it's 123 00:10:18.450 --> 00:10:22.399 because of after all those years of brain research, I found out how you 124 00:10:22.480 --> 00:10:26.320 know, your brain is basically like, say you collect a vinyl. You 125 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:30.360 know how vinyl works. Basically, the GROOVES are grooves are cut into your 126 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:35.399 record and that's the song that the record placed forevermore. You have to melt 127 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:39.590 it down and regroove it to play any other tune. Well, that's very 128 00:10:39.629 --> 00:10:45.750 similar to how the brain works. Now, the problem with being abandoned as 129 00:10:45.789 --> 00:10:50.700 a young kid is that your record grooves are playing a song that says, 130 00:10:50.740 --> 00:10:54.620 Hey, you suck, you're worthless, nobody wants you, nobody needs you, 131 00:10:54.980 --> 00:10:56.899 get the fuck out of here. And so, if that's the song 132 00:10:58.100 --> 00:11:01.539 you're hearing over and over again, why? Because you're not getting any help, 133 00:11:01.580 --> 00:11:05.250 you're not getting any therapy or not getting any medication. There's nothing going 134 00:11:05.409 --> 00:11:07.649 on for you because you are out of the loop. You just are not 135 00:11:07.769 --> 00:11:11.889 being cared for. You've been abandoned. Well, it kind of becomes a 136 00:11:11.929 --> 00:11:18.250 vicious cycle. You start to attract relationships that you swear are going to abandon 137 00:11:18.289 --> 00:11:22.159 you and you accuse them of I swear to going to abandon me one day 138 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:26.320 enough times and eventually they're like, oh, dude, shut the fuck up, 139 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:30.600 I'm leaving right so you kind of create this self fulfilling prophecy in a 140 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.029 way, and that you just become the person that you didn't want to become. 141 00:11:35.110 --> 00:11:37.149 You feel me. has this ever happened to you? I bet it 142 00:11:37.230 --> 00:11:45.470 has. And when you're abandoned, when you're young, you. I'm here. 143 00:11:45.669 --> 00:11:50.980 I'm only speaking on behalf of myself. Of course, it's my own 144 00:11:50.019 --> 00:11:54.100 experience. For some reason I speak in the terms of you. I came 145 00:11:54.259 --> 00:11:56.620 I had a sales background, so kind of project out, but I'm not 146 00:11:56.740 --> 00:12:01.649 talking about you particularly. Obviously I don't know you that well anyway. So 147 00:12:03.330 --> 00:12:05.570 let me just back up. But I hate being when people get Super Annal 148 00:12:05.610 --> 00:12:09.809 about the words you use. It just drives me crazy. It's conversational shortcut. 149 00:12:11.289 --> 00:12:16.720 You get what the Fuck I'm saying. Let me finish talking. And 150 00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:24.159 let's not underestimate the human need for attachments like the up. Let's consider the 151 00:12:24.320 --> 00:12:28.440 opposite of abandonment, attachment, right attachment to your family, to your friends, 152 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:35.350 to your loved one. So, in Maslow's famous hierarchy of needs, 153 00:12:35.950 --> 00:12:41.909 just below food and shelter is human attachment. It's like your attachment to your 154 00:12:41.990 --> 00:12:48.019 people. So what happens when you're detached is you lose all your bearings. 155 00:12:48.059 --> 00:12:52.860 You don't have anything to latch onto. You've become like a ship floating in 156 00:12:52.980 --> 00:12:56.139 the sea without a map or rudder. You just kind of list listen. 157 00:12:56.259 --> 00:13:00.250 You don't know what to do. But when you have so many emotions as 158 00:13:00.289 --> 00:13:03.850 a bipolar person. It makes your head want to pop because, no, 159 00:13:05.330 --> 00:13:09.129 imagine if I can't even put together a metaphor for this, I guess it's 160 00:13:09.169 --> 00:13:13.080 the pirate ship with no sale, no rudder, stuck out at sea with 161 00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:16.440 lit bombs all over it. That's the that's the best I can do right 162 00:13:16.440 --> 00:13:20.320 now, but that's kind of what you feel like when you just set aside, 163 00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:24.639 you just abandoned out to the wind, just cast aside. And what's 164 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:30.909 kind of doubly fucked is I'm not saying it only happens with bipolar disorder, 165 00:13:31.029 --> 00:13:35.470 but if you have bipolar disorder and it's not diagnosed and you are abandoned, 166 00:13:37.230 --> 00:13:45.220 those feelings are multiplied by magnitude when done over time. I definitely think that's 167 00:13:45.220 --> 00:13:50.820 what contributed to my borderline personality disorder, which is another similar but different disorder. 168 00:13:52.059 --> 00:13:56.289 Currently there's talk by researchers that think it might be the same disorder, 169 00:13:56.730 --> 00:14:01.490 more like on a spectrum, but that's not been completely clarified or anything, 170 00:14:01.210 --> 00:14:07.570 but just consider that. So what I'm saying is that having extreme emotions by 171 00:14:07.649 --> 00:14:13.240 way of bipolar disorder put in a shitty situation, I think can cause plenty 172 00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:16.720 of other disorders. Again, I'm no scientist, I'm speaking from my own 173 00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:24.350 experience, but having bipolar disorder untreated, undiagnosed, then I end up having 174 00:14:24.070 --> 00:14:30.029 panic disorders, anxiety disorders, post traumatic stress from being kicked after kicked out 175 00:14:30.590 --> 00:14:33.070 of House after House after House after house. By the time I was in 176 00:14:33.190 --> 00:14:39.700 the twelve grade of high school, I'd been to twelve different schools and nobody 177 00:14:39.820 --> 00:14:43.299 thought to take me to the hospital to have my head checked out up into 178 00:14:43.379 --> 00:14:46.139 that point. The one time I went the doctor said to my mom, 179 00:14:46.299 --> 00:14:50.100 yeah, okay, I need to see you alone here next week and we 180 00:14:50.259 --> 00:14:56.730 never went back. So we'll never know at what point all of this could 181 00:14:56.730 --> 00:15:01.730 have been helped earlier. But what do you do? I guess. I 182 00:15:03.370 --> 00:15:05.850 guess the point of this podcast is what do you don't do? Maybe don't 183 00:15:05.889 --> 00:15:11.320 abandon people. That's it's so easy to say from a person who has been 184 00:15:11.399 --> 00:15:18.519 abandoned, but I guess in a lot of ways we may abandon others and 185 00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:22.990 just not realize it. So I'm trying to get kind of more deep into 186 00:15:22.029 --> 00:15:26.389 my thought, little more meditative and just try to flip it around. It's 187 00:15:26.429 --> 00:15:31.110 like, well, maybe it's calm and maybe it's because other people have perceived 188 00:15:31.190 --> 00:15:33.470 that I've abandoned them, and my fall back as always. Yeah, but 189 00:15:35.110 --> 00:15:39.580 I was sick and we all know now that I was sick then. So 190 00:15:39.779 --> 00:15:43.419 can't I get another pass? And the answers invariably no. Like all the 191 00:15:43.500 --> 00:15:48.539 bridges I've burned, they're burned. are still they're still burned. I see 192 00:15:48.580 --> 00:15:50.649 the people on the other side of the river waved to him. Hey, 193 00:15:52.450 --> 00:15:54.889 what's up? Fuck face, but you know, there's no going back. 194 00:15:56.169 --> 00:16:00.049 Those bridges are burned the way they've treated me. They've been forgiven, but 195 00:16:00.250 --> 00:16:03.769 I'd have no need for them in my life now, knowing the type of 196 00:16:03.889 --> 00:16:08.000 person they are, the type of person that was so boldly and blatantly abandoned 197 00:16:08.120 --> 00:16:11.919 in you turn your back on you in many cases stab you in the back. 198 00:16:11.960 --> 00:16:15.720 Why do you need a person like that in your life? It's funny 199 00:16:15.720 --> 00:16:18.830 in a lot of ways, you know, after practice over the years, 200 00:16:18.870 --> 00:16:22.070 I'm like, well, I'm just fucking saying the obvious. But I'm telling 201 00:16:22.149 --> 00:16:26.870 you, if you're newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and that diagnosis starts getting around 202 00:16:26.870 --> 00:16:30.909 your social circles, people are going to start treating you differently. Just here 203 00:16:30.950 --> 00:16:36.740 to remind you that that is on them. You're still normal. You know 204 00:16:36.779 --> 00:16:41.179 what I mean by by yesterday standards, before your diagnosis. If today's the 205 00:16:41.220 --> 00:16:45.419 first day you were diagnosed, honestly, you're the same person you were yesterday. 206 00:16:45.460 --> 00:16:48.009 A LOT OF PEOPLE GET clarity out of their diagnosis and I hope, 207 00:16:48.049 --> 00:16:52.289 if you're new to this, that it helped gain some clarity. You're not 208 00:16:52.409 --> 00:16:55.809 just an asshole. You have a disease that makes you appear to be in 209 00:16:55.929 --> 00:16:59.090 that way. Sorry to tell you that that's the that's the symptoms, but 210 00:16:59.769 --> 00:17:03.639 anyway, you have it, but now you don't. And you know I'm 211 00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:06.440 not trying to make light of it. I just do because I've dealt with 212 00:17:06.480 --> 00:17:10.640 it for so long I have no other way to to address it. I 213 00:17:10.759 --> 00:17:15.599 love the old Elvis Costello Line. I used to be disgusted and now I 214 00:17:15.750 --> 00:17:26.390 try to be amused, try to that's that's often how I'd look at life 215 00:17:26.430 --> 00:17:30.900 these days. But the abandonment thing, it just it doesn't go away. 216 00:17:30.180 --> 00:17:33.819 So so in my case, for example, I was abandoned in my mind. 217 00:17:33.900 --> 00:17:36.940 I felt like I was kicked out, which I was. You know, 218 00:17:37.180 --> 00:17:38.220 my parents kicked me out, my grandparents. I had nowhere to live. 219 00:17:38.539 --> 00:17:41.500 And I had to. I couch surf and sleep behind my drum set 220 00:17:41.579 --> 00:17:45.490 in people's garages and things like that. I don't know if that qualifies as 221 00:17:45.569 --> 00:17:49.930 homeless, but it sure felt untethered from society. So that kind of gray 222 00:17:51.130 --> 00:17:53.170 kind of carved that path at that was the groove in my record. Man, 223 00:17:53.690 --> 00:17:59.599 things got squared away when I'm at a lady, great, stable life. 224 00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:03.480 I ended up living a kind of ideal leave it to beaver life. 225 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:07.880 You know what I'm saying. It's in America. There was an old timey 226 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:11.680 show from the black and white TV days where everything was just perfect. In 227 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:15.069 fact, the House I stayed in with the wife look just like that house. 228 00:18:15.869 --> 00:18:22.549 We had kids, the whole thing, and then something happened. Then 229 00:18:22.670 --> 00:18:27.740 she divorced me. That was fucked. Now again, it fit with the 230 00:18:27.819 --> 00:18:32.220 pattern in my head that, oh wait, that's fine, that's normal. 231 00:18:32.299 --> 00:18:36.900 I expect this because I am disposable. I'm a disposable human. I fucking 232 00:18:36.980 --> 00:18:40.859 bought a website called disposable dad's back in the day, like I just got. 233 00:18:41.019 --> 00:18:42.410 I was going to start a club of like all of the men that 234 00:18:42.529 --> 00:18:48.609 had been thrown out. Then I found out about the quote unquote and men's 235 00:18:48.650 --> 00:18:52.849 rights activists and I figured that my idea was sounded too close to that, 236 00:18:52.250 --> 00:18:55.839 because the idea was not the same at all. It all had to do 237 00:18:55.920 --> 00:19:00.119 with abandonment. I don't I think men's rights activists and activism has more to 238 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:04.039 do with anger and resentment against women, turning them down then what I'm talking 239 00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:10.150 about as a disposable dad, for one, you know it's an alliteration and 240 00:19:10.349 --> 00:19:14.509 with the marketing background, the DD sound. You know, disposable Dad'scom. 241 00:19:14.710 --> 00:19:18.349 Hey, I was going to have a club again because I was abandoned and 242 00:19:18.470 --> 00:19:22.430 it was trying to find my tribe. Here's the thing. You're not a 243 00:19:22.549 --> 00:19:27.180 disposable dad long enough to sustain a club that would help other disposable dads. 244 00:19:27.900 --> 00:19:33.619 Eventually you go out, you get laid again, you start seeing your kids, 245 00:19:33.019 --> 00:19:37.779 you get your work back on schedule. You know, everything works itself 246 00:19:37.779 --> 00:19:41.970 out and you don't have energy to be the disposable dad and your self esteem 247 00:19:41.009 --> 00:19:45.410 increases and then you just don't even think of yourself that way anymore. But 248 00:19:45.529 --> 00:19:49.009 there are definitely dudes around the planet right now that feel like they're disposable dad. 249 00:19:49.210 --> 00:19:55.160 So cheers to all you disposable DADS. Especially if you've got a mental 250 00:19:55.319 --> 00:20:00.839 disorder like bipolar style. The idea for doing this whole bit about abandonment, 251 00:20:02.079 --> 00:20:03.880 because kind of got over it, although I mean it is my fucking song. 252 00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:07.789 The grooves of abandonment are written in my record. But you know, 253 00:20:07.910 --> 00:20:11.430 you learned to live with it. It's painful. But I had to go 254 00:20:11.549 --> 00:20:15.910 to court recently to deal with some family court matters, which is always a 255 00:20:15.950 --> 00:20:19.789 blast, gotta love that, and it brought back a lot of those old 256 00:20:19.829 --> 00:20:26.420 feelings of abandonment. But what it really struck me and gave me a new 257 00:20:26.500 --> 00:20:30.980 sense of abandonment was how fucking callous those court people are. The commissioner, 258 00:20:32.180 --> 00:20:36.369 like the wanter be judge there, who she was, okay, but the 259 00:20:36.490 --> 00:20:38.289 fucking public guy, whoever, I don't know it is that exact title, 260 00:20:38.369 --> 00:20:42.170 is the guy who thinks he's being noble by going after dudes who have no 261 00:20:42.289 --> 00:20:47.769 money. That guy, that motherfucker right there. So I try. I 262 00:20:47.849 --> 00:20:49.160 was poking around the court a while to try to find out, like, 263 00:20:49.480 --> 00:20:53.839 who helps the mentally disabled through court cases? And the long and short of 264 00:20:53.880 --> 00:20:59.279 it is, and that's particular jurisdiction, nobody. Nobody helps the mentally disabled. 265 00:20:59.319 --> 00:21:02.319 So I thought there might be a like an American with disabilities act, 266 00:21:02.680 --> 00:21:07.069 kind of law that helped us. Nope. Thought there might be some disability 267 00:21:07.109 --> 00:21:11.309 organizations. Nope. There's like one like disability dot org, but that's just 268 00:21:11.470 --> 00:21:15.390 a fucking law firm, you know, like ambulance chasers. NOPE, whatever. 269 00:21:15.509 --> 00:21:18.500 I don't know if their ambulance chasers or not, but whatever. Get 270 00:21:18.539 --> 00:21:22.339 what I meant? If you go to something like disability dot org, you 271 00:21:22.380 --> 00:21:27.660 don't expect a for profit law firm. What else? I looked high and 272 00:21:27.700 --> 00:21:32.930 low, basically, and ultimately there was no help. So again I not 273 00:21:33.049 --> 00:21:37.930 only had the kind of refreshed abandonment issues from when I was divorced, I 274 00:21:38.089 --> 00:21:42.569 have new abandonment issues from a system that just doesn't give a fuck. Like 275 00:21:42.769 --> 00:21:45.970 four years and years, they just they just don't care. Not only that, 276 00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:52.079 they are actively opposing you, they're aggressive, their assertive towards you and 277 00:21:52.759 --> 00:21:57.039 it's hate to say it, but in this particular place it's still dudes anyway. 278 00:21:57.119 --> 00:22:02.269 Not My point. My point is back to abandonment and isolation and which 279 00:22:02.430 --> 00:22:04.990 kind of fast forwards to where I work now. It's not too jumpy as 280 00:22:06.029 --> 00:22:07.670 it well, what the fuck we got to get out of here. Got 281 00:22:07.750 --> 00:22:12.430 It, got to keep steppy. So okay, the whole isolation thing. 282 00:22:12.549 --> 00:22:17.539 So my new job? I am I have a position. I'M A director. 283 00:22:17.579 --> 00:22:19.099 Can you believe they hired me as a director? I'M A director at 284 00:22:19.180 --> 00:22:26.660 a nonprofit that runs housing for disabled vets and Basically Street people, homeless people 285 00:22:26.660 --> 00:22:32.730 that are coming off the streets that have some form of disability. Basically, 286 00:22:32.890 --> 00:22:37.890 this is like the last chance saloon housing for the people on the lowest of 287 00:22:38.089 --> 00:22:45.079 low rungs in American society. So I see firsthand every day. I've got 288 00:22:45.119 --> 00:22:48.400 a hundred and sixty rooms here. You know what it looks like? It 289 00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:55.079 looks like I have a hundred and sixty boxes with unwanted, abandoned humans isolated 290 00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:59.269 in them. I'm not sure the best way to convey their stories, but 291 00:22:59.670 --> 00:23:03.670 I guarantee you they are super compelling. I sit in the lobby and talk 292 00:23:03.710 --> 00:23:07.190 to these folks, but mostly listen to these folks and it is amazing where 293 00:23:07.190 --> 00:23:14.339 they came from, what they came from and what they've become, which is 294 00:23:14.660 --> 00:23:19.380 a constant reminder that no matter what your station in life, you could always 295 00:23:19.380 --> 00:23:23.700 drop to the bottom, whether it's a you know, a physical disability or 296 00:23:23.740 --> 00:23:27.650 a mental disability. So I guess this part of the show would be a 297 00:23:27.730 --> 00:23:32.769 good part for you to play for your parents or your family or your spouse 298 00:23:32.809 --> 00:23:37.529 or your partners who don't believe that you have bipolar disorder, because left untreated 299 00:23:38.009 --> 00:23:42.319 and worse, abandoned, you could end up like one of these people in 300 00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:48.440 these little boxes. Unfortunately, I'm blessed. Apparently I've earned it. Work 301 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:51.480 for whatever you want to say, but I have a nice apartment, which 302 00:23:51.559 --> 00:23:56.069 feels really weird. I have a nice apartment in the building where all these 303 00:23:56.109 --> 00:24:03.470 little tiny roach infested boxes are gross. Anyway, no roaches in my place. 304 00:24:04.029 --> 00:24:11.259 You get my point, though, stressful. So basically, I run 305 00:24:11.339 --> 00:24:17.059 the building and there's a couple of social workers here, completely overwhelmed. Everything's 306 00:24:17.140 --> 00:24:19.539 broken, there's no money to fix anything. I got to do some kind 307 00:24:19.539 --> 00:24:22.099 of documentary on this place, but I don't even know where to start. 308 00:24:22.099 --> 00:24:26.609 It's overwhelming. So I'll share a tidbits about my role as the Director of 309 00:24:26.730 --> 00:24:32.130 this nonprofit, as a housing place in San Francisco as we go along. 310 00:24:32.490 --> 00:24:37.009 If that's interesting to you, I just whatever. Sometimes you'll get stressed from 311 00:24:37.049 --> 00:24:44.079 my voice or here sense frustration. Clearly it's not you, it's it's my 312 00:24:44.119 --> 00:24:48.160 job. It's trying to do the impossible. So I'm not even sure where 313 00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:52.519 to start getting all these hundred and sixty people out of isolation. We have 314 00:24:52.599 --> 00:24:56.990 a lobby putting down some jazz concerts once a month. I'm going to get 315 00:24:56.990 --> 00:25:00.029 some comedians in here. It should be great. We're doing some cool things 316 00:25:00.190 --> 00:25:04.630 now, but still it's like this. Yeah, it's just like broke down 317 00:25:04.710 --> 00:25:07.539 palace or something. I don't is that a thing? Broke Down Palace? 318 00:25:07.579 --> 00:25:14.980 Yeah, well, look up Saro hotels. In America. They have a 319 00:25:15.059 --> 00:25:18.420 thing called sroro hotel. It's kind of like a hostile. It's basically a 320 00:25:18.500 --> 00:25:22.690 lot of rooms are there's no cooking. It's basically like a hostil, you 321 00:25:22.769 --> 00:25:26.769 know, there's no cooking, there's community bathrooms and you have a very small 322 00:25:26.849 --> 00:25:30.289 room with the bed and, you know, dresser and that sort of thing. 323 00:25:30.490 --> 00:25:33.490 But it's kind of trippy. But anyway, I could see if you're 324 00:25:33.529 --> 00:25:36.960 an international traveler, that's all you need. You want it cheap and quick 325 00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:41.039 and in and out. But these are old people at the end of their 326 00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:45.319 lives, stuffed into these little boxes. They can hardly move out. I 327 00:25:45.440 --> 00:25:48.799 mean just because they're so they're not ambulatory, they can't move like they got 328 00:25:48.839 --> 00:25:52.589 walkers and wheelchairs so that it's so sad. I don't know how to deal 329 00:25:52.630 --> 00:25:56.509 with that. If you've ever worked in that community, let's share notes. 330 00:25:56.789 --> 00:26:00.829 Go over to bipolar party. We can have a side conversation. But man, 331 00:26:02.029 --> 00:26:06.579 sorry, sorry to ramble on about my job. Honey, tell me 332 00:26:06.700 --> 00:26:12.220 about your day. HMM, it's great, no kidding. Oh, I 333 00:26:12.339 --> 00:26:18.130 know, I hate her. Yeah, okay, and enough of that. 334 00:26:18.970 --> 00:26:22.609 So, yeah, thanks for checking this out. I just wanted to kind 335 00:26:22.609 --> 00:26:27.769 of crack the egg open on abandonment and isolation and just remind people how serious 336 00:26:27.890 --> 00:26:33.279 those grooves you're cutting into your record are if you're abandoning anybody. So now 337 00:26:33.319 --> 00:26:37.279 I'm hyper vigilant on making sure people know, hey, I'm still here for 338 00:26:37.400 --> 00:26:38.839 you. I can't maybe I can't do much. You know, I'm sick 339 00:26:38.960 --> 00:26:44.039 sometimes, like sometimes I can't do anything, but I'm always there in heart 340 00:26:44.119 --> 00:26:47.349 and spirit and I'll get on the Internet if I'm if I can whatever, 341 00:26:48.950 --> 00:26:51.230 but I'm I just want to let people know, hey, I'm not abandoning 342 00:26:51.430 --> 00:26:53.869 you, I'm still here and I wish people would do the same for me. 343 00:26:55.509 --> 00:26:56.829 Like a recent sting. I'll leave you with this. So, as 344 00:26:56.869 --> 00:27:02.539 a as a grown up now who thinks he's over his abandonment issues, here's 345 00:27:02.619 --> 00:27:04.660 one thing that stung me and it stung me last year too when it happened 346 00:27:04.700 --> 00:27:08.180 as well. So maybe it's happened to you, but we'll see. Yeah, 347 00:27:08.180 --> 00:27:12.940 let me explain. So I live in downtown San Francisco and if you 348 00:27:14.059 --> 00:27:18.730 live in any downtown Area New York City or Dallas or New Orleans or wherever, 349 00:27:19.369 --> 00:27:22.609 then you know there's a downtown part and then at a certain point you're 350 00:27:22.650 --> 00:27:27.450 in the suburbs, usually about as far as the local commute train or something 351 00:27:27.490 --> 00:27:33.000 else can go out several miles out. In the bay area the local commute 352 00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:37.039 train goes probably twenty miles out and goes pretty far out, and so there's 353 00:27:37.079 --> 00:27:41.000 tons of people who live in quote Unquote Bay area. So wherever you live, 354 00:27:41.359 --> 00:27:45.549 you've got a central city and then you've got people that live in the 355 00:27:45.630 --> 00:27:48.269 outskirts. You know, it's basically done. To explain it. So of 356 00:27:48.470 --> 00:27:52.589 all of my people that have grown up with I'm the only one that ventured 357 00:27:52.630 --> 00:27:56.230 to the city early in life, maybe because I had no place else to 358 00:27:56.269 --> 00:28:00.740 go, but I ended up coming out there and I like it and I've 359 00:28:00.779 --> 00:28:03.299 worked my way up to the point now where I have a place to stay 360 00:28:03.660 --> 00:28:06.980 and I have a guest from and I have, you know, crazy stories 361 00:28:07.019 --> 00:28:11.539 to watch and experience. I would expect. Well, maybe this is the 362 00:28:11.579 --> 00:28:17.890 problem. Maybe I've heard that expectations are the Human Achilles heel. It's a 363 00:28:18.009 --> 00:28:21.490 that that's kind of a weird thing. Don't expect anything and you'll feel much 364 00:28:21.529 --> 00:28:25.569 better. That's too Buddhist for me. Man, I have expectations of people 365 00:28:25.970 --> 00:28:29.839 and in the case of my friends, it happened last year when one of 366 00:28:29.839 --> 00:28:32.839 my best friends, I would call him like my brother, he hadn't been 367 00:28:32.839 --> 00:28:34.319 talking to me for like a year and a half. I'm like, dude, 368 00:28:34.319 --> 00:28:37.240 he wasn't like avoiding he was kind of avoiding me, but not like 369 00:28:37.519 --> 00:28:41.119 we didn't have a fight or anything. So just like dude, what the 370 00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:45.150 fuck? And he apparently you just hooked up with the chick and getting all 371 00:28:45.150 --> 00:28:48.710 up into her head and everything right. So they come all the way from 372 00:28:48.710 --> 00:28:52.589 the suburbs right down town to the city, right, but in fact there's 373 00:28:52.589 --> 00:28:56.940 a park, golden gate park, and I just happened to be riding my 374 00:28:56.019 --> 00:29:00.500 bike up through the park and who the fuck is over by the bandstand? 375 00:29:02.339 --> 00:29:04.740 There's my buddy and like, dude, what the fuck? You come all 376 00:29:04.779 --> 00:29:08.019 the way out here and you don't call me? You don't like he's with 377 00:29:08.140 --> 00:29:11.450 his girlfriend, by the way. You didn't call, didn't let me know, 378 00:29:11.730 --> 00:29:15.450 didn't text nothing. So he was going to blow in and out of 379 00:29:15.569 --> 00:29:22.769 town without including me anything. Now I know you're thinking they're is dozens of 380 00:29:22.809 --> 00:29:26.000 reasons why he probably did not call you. For one, you're fucking maniac. 381 00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:30.240 Why would you want a triple date with the maniac? I got you, 382 00:29:30.440 --> 00:29:33.359 I feel it doesn't matter. It still hurts my feelings. And then 383 00:29:33.400 --> 00:29:36.759 it happened again. Another guy, the only like. There's like three dudes 384 00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:40.190 who are like close enough to be my brothers. Another one, the second 385 00:29:40.269 --> 00:29:44.829 one, did the same thing a couple weeks ago. Came out here, 386 00:29:45.630 --> 00:29:49.710 took the train right in, right down the street from my place, didn't 387 00:29:49.710 --> 00:29:52.740 call me, didn't text me, didn't do shit, didn't say hi, 388 00:29:53.539 --> 00:30:00.099 nothing. So again, tons of reasons, I'm sure, but again again, 389 00:30:00.140 --> 00:30:03.619 I don't care if fucking hurts my feelings. So that's that's how hyper 390 00:30:03.700 --> 00:30:08.450 sensitive I am to abandonment now. All right, so I think I'm starting 391 00:30:08.450 --> 00:30:11.049 to sound like a maniac now, so I'm going to cut it off. 392 00:30:11.450 --> 00:30:17.210 Well, I can still breathe. Take it down a notch. Yeah, 393 00:30:17.210 --> 00:30:18.930 I really like I said in the beginning, I really appreciate you. I'm 394 00:30:19.130 --> 00:30:25.200 actually listening and downloading. One day I will connect better the downloads with the 395 00:30:25.240 --> 00:30:27.519 twitter audience. So I guess what I'm saying. If you listen to this, 396 00:30:29.240 --> 00:30:30.880 maybe try out twitter. Go check out twitter. Go to twitter, 397 00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:34.519 go to bipolar style, find it there and have a conversation with us. 398 00:30:34.519 --> 00:30:40.990 There's a really strong mental health support group there. In fact, pick your 399 00:30:41.069 --> 00:30:44.029 pick your mental illness, whatever you got, there's a support group for it 400 00:30:44.150 --> 00:30:48.390 on twitter. Really robust. Highly recommend that. If you are bipolar, 401 00:30:48.589 --> 00:30:55.299 that it is, if you have depression mixed with a mania, please come 402 00:30:55.339 --> 00:31:00.539 over to bipolar PARTYCOM and hang out with us. They're again it's a private 403 00:31:00.579 --> 00:31:03.609 it's not anonymous, but it's private. We don't share what we talked about 404 00:31:03.609 --> 00:31:07.609 outside of the group. It's way better than twitter for sharing, you know, 405 00:31:07.730 --> 00:31:11.210 getting bigger things off of your chests and feeling a sense of support. 406 00:31:12.009 --> 00:31:18.720 Oh and, dude, subscribe, like go to spotify or itunes or whatever 407 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:23.039 and somewhere on the little interface is a button that says subscribe. Then you'll 408 00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:27.839 get notified when I put up podcast episodes. Some thinking about doing a more 409 00:31:27.920 --> 00:31:32.559 frequently, like maybe ten minute ones every day, something, I don't know. 410 00:31:32.599 --> 00:31:36.589 Let me know what you think, like the daily mania or some shit 411 00:31:36.670 --> 00:31:40.990 like that. Or just get up and talk and start a conversation about stuff, 412 00:31:41.750 --> 00:31:45.670 mostly about mental health, sometimes about politics, sometimes about pop culture, 413 00:31:45.670 --> 00:31:53.420 a lot of times about bipolar. Have you had enough? Well, why 414 00:31:53.460 --> 00:31:57.539 didn't you take off your earphones yet? Oh, I know you wanted to 415 00:31:57.579 --> 00:32:01.410 hear your staff do the outro. All right. Well, here it is. 416 00:32:04.289 --> 00:32:12.529 Style on it. Cheese as five following on twitter. Joy, excuse 417 00:32:12.769 --> me,